Disco balls

Hey friends, I hope this finds you well. Just wanted to give some thoughts in this new Birthday year. I thought I was going to do a numbered list(I probably will at some point). I actually celebrate my birthday all month.

A few days before my birthday, I was chatting with family about where I’m at in life. Well, they were quite upset at some of the things I said(I’m going through housing and job issues at the moment,no relationship). My family went on to do a retrospective about my life and said they think the reason why I struggle so much is because I have autism(asperger’s). Well, I broke down and cried. In fact, I almost cry every day thinking about it.

I wasn’t super surprised because years ago,Wired mag did a autism piece and had a self evaluation. I checked off most of the boxes. I’ve learned about autism through my teaching experience and even taught students on the spectrum.

So I did some googling and other deep dives. I got comfortable because well, I should know myself. But when I’ve started to discuss it with friends, everyone says no,and then they admit they don’t know anyone on the spectrum. When I retook the Wired test,I barely scored but I took a few others and scored higher. That’s probably because I have a whole degree in masking.

Once I get on my feet or once I get to law school(oh yeah,I’m also studying for the LSAT), my plan is to see a doctor. Do I have all the answers, no. Am I learning, yes. Everyone on the spectrum looks different. It will be nice to have a piece to my puzzle. It’s also nice to know that all of the stuff I’ve thought about myself is true(validated).

For instance, I have sensory issues and my communication is different from most. I have hyper-empathy. I hate criticism depending on how it’s delivered.

I’m kind of sad too because I’m thinking about the relationship piece. I spent a long time thinking my family hated me(because they can be so critical) but the reality is they’ve just been worried about me.

If you think you or someone you know might be on the autism spectrum, get some resources for how to talk to them and have a conversation. They may have been wanting to talk to you too.

I’m thankful for all of my friends who put up with me for so long and still wanted to be my friend. I’m sorry for all of the friends I’ve lost.

Soul Ties or Nah?

These past few days has been a swirl in the social media streets regarding a sermon by a popular Evangelical minister named Mike Todd. Mike Todd preaches numerous sermon series about relationships and specifically to Christian singles. The sermon that I’m referring to is regarding soul ties.

If you have grown up in youth group, you’ve heard about soul ties. The discussion is usually emphasized with the toothpaste or tape visualization. It definitely preaches but it doesn’t work for young people.

The reason why soul ties preaches is due to it singing a familiar refrain of “Your sin is the reason for your failing in a mountain of areas”. It’s preached so often to young people and singles that you would think the church owns stock in toothpaste and tape.

Here’s the problem with soul ties, while, yes there are numerous scriptures we can cite to refer back to(1Cor 6:16, 1Sam 18:1, Gen 2:24), the context is off. In addition, most of the folk who are raging against the evils of soul ties, do indeed have their own that they need to wrestle with.

In all of the condemnation of soul ties, I have never heard someone from the pulpit discuss their own and the grace God freely gave to set them free. A good Twitter friend also mentioned that if we are discussing soul ties, what does that mean for all of us who are sexual assault survivors. Surely, a survivor is not to have a permanent albatross of abuse to keep them condemned.

If you or someone you know is struggling with guilt or shame related to soul ties(and the resulting condemnation from pulpits), I hope that you know that God’s mercy and grace are so much greater and it’s okay to find a new place of worship.

Be blessed

Quarantine bae, Quarantine bae, whereart thou?

I know that my last post ended with me being done with the apps but I attempted a few more times. I was always optimistic but the results were all the same. No dice.

Before we started to hunker down, people were talking about getting a quarantine bae and of course I was down. Unfortunately, no one was actually interested in not meeting face to face(right before the apps had to come out and say “Hey! Don’t meet up!”). I tried to go along to get along and it was weird to say the least.

I did chat with a few guys and one who I thought had some potential wanted to meet up. I finally agreed and when the time came, I realized *surprise* he didn’t want to talk. In fact, we didn’t have much conversation because he only wanted to have sex. I didn’t.

I agreed to make out(I was fine with that) which was decent. Afterwards we had an interesting conversation about my bookshelves. That’s how you know I don’t have people over because I’m always surprised when people make comments about my books lol.

Anyway, we parted ways with the old refrain of “I’ll call you tomorrow” and no kiss goodbye. I can always tell what a guy thinks about me based on our goodbye. The next day(or a few days later, I forget), I texted him. I basically said what I was looking for and he said “I don’t give a shit.”. Whew. That woke me up.

It was in that moment and an unrequited crush later that no matter how hard I try to run towards love(or some semblance of it), love is running away from me like it owes me money. Love is running away from me so hard and I have no idea why.

A few months back a good friend(that I fell in love with) politely let me know that we weren’t going to be anything more than friends(they had been gently telling me for a long time but I pretended not to hear, my heart listened). It was easy to accept because if we are being honest, no one has ever loved me. But, it still hurt nonetheless because I thought for sure that for once, I could be enough. I wanted to be enough so bad. But sadly, I had to remember that I just wouldn’t be. I wasn’t mad, just sad.

I had a friend do a card reading for me and even she was shocked at what the cards said about me and love. Which made me delete the apps for the fifty-eleventh time. It also made me think about unrequited love. Maybe I wrap myself in unrequited love because it’s comfortable like my favorite blanket and I only know it’s real when I’m rejected.

I developed a crush on an old friend and it’s so bad. I don’t even know if what happens can even be classified as conversation. So each day I try to say less and less. Maybe they like the attention because they surely don’t like me as much of anything. The dynamic is off(I know it is). I try so hard to shrink myself into something or someone else that they might like but I don’t know because they won’t have the conversation. I know that’s weird. Some days I do okay but most days it’s just a fail.

So when I’m not pining away for someone who could care less, I’m wondering what it all even means.

Thanks for reading!

1000 Swipes

I meant to write this post months ago but as time went on the only thing I managed to do was think about it over and over. Today, I decided that I would take the time and write it. I know that I may seem like the queen of quitting online dating but I have to explain what took me over the edge.

Earlier in the year I was on a few different sites and decided to swipe left or right on 1000 profiles. Toward the end of that madness, someone got in touch with me and asked me out on a date. We had a few conversations and I agreed.

Our first date was great. I really enjoyed our conversation. My date asked me on a second date a few days later and I agreed. Our second date was quirky and fun and that led to my date asking for a third. Well, I was excited about the third date until he mentioned Netflix and Chill. I don’t do Netflix and Chill. My standard response is that I have my own Netflix. When I am pressed for more information, I explain that I had bad experiences in the past and as a result, prefer to get to know a person before I entertain Netflix and Chill. Most guys don’t actually want to hear that. My date was one of those guys. He actually got mad that I would not agree which made me get mad that he was pressing me. So, I stopped talking to him.

I took a break for a few months and then thought I would give it the old college try. What I found was actually worse than I had remembered. Guys were being really inappropriate in first messages and sending unsolicited pics over sites that weren’t Tinder and I was just over it.

So, I waved my white flag and surrendered to online dating failure. In that time I learned a few lessons. The first lesson I learned was to listen to my first mind because it does not steer me wrong. The second lesson I learned is that while many find love through online dating, that just won’t be my story. It doesn’t make me any less excited for them and it doesn’t make me any less of a hopeless romantic at heart. The third lesson I learned is that even though I have been online dating on and off for over ten years, I should have waved my white flag a long time ago. All of those starts and stops were just me trying to deny the truth of my experience and I wasted a lot of time in the process.

The only downside to not online dating is that I am not meeting more people(which was my goal from the beginning) and unfortunately I am back at square one but I have to believe that is for a reason. As much as I want some things to be different, things aren’t different for reasons that have nothing to do with me.

Cheers to the dating journey.

Can We Start the Conversation?

Great insight into how we have meaningful conversations from my friend Scott.

Scott Aldrich

For fifteen years, God has blessed with me with tremendous opportunities to teach our youth, to help mold, inspire, and lead our children to become the innovators, and creators, and leaders of tomorrow. To be confident, to be self-sufficient, to become their best selves. To be good people. It is a job that never stops demanding more of me, never stops challenging me, and never stops rewarding me. Not a day goes by that I don’t question my methods or wish for one more chance to reach this kid or teach something a little better for a struggling learner. But I also lay my head on the pillow many nights, completely spent, yet incredibly fulfilled. Teaching is one of those careers that can consume every fiber of your being if you let it. I may be a teacher, but I am forever a learner, first and foremost. I am still…

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When Social Policy Isn’t A Turn On

Last night I had a date(why yes it was with someone I met online). My date had asked if I wanted to meet for drinks or dinner and I suggested we meet up for drinks and then take it from there(less pressure). I was excited, we were both looking forward to meeting.

So when I finally meet up(after my Uber driver did not know where to go and I had to walk to the place), I find my date at a table. The restaurant is really nice. I sit down and check out the menu. We exchange pleasantries and then my date spends the rest of our time together talking. Not talking about just anything but talking about social policy.

Now don’t get me wrong, I do love a good social policy discussion but only when it involves how to improve or change existing social policy. My date had some rather interesting(but not surprising) views about social policy. But he didn’t really frame the conversation in a way that would have provided for back and forth banter it was more like insight into just how little people actually think about social policy(even though they are often the ones to implement it).

For instance, my date said that one reason for the ills of the Black community was due to their love of fried chicken(narrator: indeed it is not). So I flipped it back on him and asked him how he would like it if we told his community that we would take away their cultural food ways (narrator: indeed he did not). So let’s just say I drank a lot of water and listened. Until I could not listen any more.

Needless to say, online dating is hard. Dating is hard. But it is what one has to do in order to make an effort to find love.

The date also gave me insight into why a lot of social policy indeed doesn’t work, because those who have the ability to change and improve existing policy seek to change the cultures of the communities that are in need to help instead of actually working to eliminate the real issues that negatively impact these communities aka systemic and institutional racism.

My date also gave me insight into how men set up their online dating profiles. It turns out the reason why many of them choose not to put effort into their profiles is due to the belief that people only care about their pics and that no one indeed reads profiles.

I asked my date if he was indeed looking to date and he mentioned that he was but he also brought up how he approaches it as a kind of networking of sorts. I don;t know what to think about that because on the one hand, it is important to meet different people to find out who you would be a good match with but on the other hand, I don’t want to approach a date with an agenda either. I don’t know, maybe I am a tad basic in that regard.

What is funny about that is most of my interactions with men on online dating sites involves them asking me if I have actually read their profiles(because in weird passive aggressive language written in odd font, they actually tell me what their kinks are and shame on me for not reading the multiple paragraph intros that they curate). This is then followed by me wishing them well. Listen, I have no problem with kinks(they are your business) but if I am not on an explicit kink site, I believe that should be a discussion had in person and/or behind closed doors). Don’t get me wrong, I am a fan of stimulating conversation but stimulating just might be in the eye(or ear) of the beholder.

So here I am attempting to see how long I will be able to swim in the online dating waters this go round. I want to be able to say that I gave it a shot but each attempt seems to end up with the round about same result.

We shall see what is to become of these online dating adventures.

 

 

 

 

 

When Life Gets Lifey

Hey blog readers,

I know you are probably wondering where I have been and how it is super weird that I haven’t been blogging even though I was supposed to blog through November. I know, I was wondering too. I always have the best intentions to take time to blog and then time passes and I go to sleep.

Well, a lot has been going on in my world. I had started a new job back in the spring and while I was going through the ups and downs of learning a new job, I was recently terminated. It threw me for a loop because not only is it right before the holidays, but now I have to figure out what my next move is because I will not have a place to stay.

Have  I experienced homelessness before, yes, but the difference was that I was in a place where all of my social capital exists(so things weren’t so bad). Also, it just plain doesn’t feel great. So many people are wondering what my next move will be but I actually don’t have a clue.

As a result, it makes it hard for me to even think about anything else(like all of the coding I have been working on or my paper edits). As I expressed my termination on social media(literally a one line statement), I received a lot of thoughts from friends and associates. A lot of people said that I shouldn’t talk about that kind of thing on social media where employers will find out. I don’t know how I feel about that but I did delete said post. The issue for me is now, when people see my social media, it won’t be completely me because it will only express happy or positive content and moving forward that will probably be sporadic if best(because I can’t post to social media if I don’t have a phone or internet).

I guess I will just have to buckle up and see where this ride called life takes me.

Peace

Close Encounters

Have you ever had someone come into your life for just a moment but stay in your heart forever?

Once upon a time, I was an awkward girl in Bible college. Bible college was a bubble in every sense of the word but it was just enough for someone just out of high school. It was a lilly pad of sorts.

Well, enter an angel with the bluest eyes and the coolest hair, without much of a care in the world. That angel’s name was Josh and let me tell you. *Whoo*. Takes a moment to collect myself. Josh was definitely an angel because he saw through all of me, deep down to my inmost being, and he wasn’t scared. We came into each other’s lives at a time where everything just made a little more sense. We had great conversations. We shared our hearts. We believed the future was bright.

Although we weren’t in each other’s lives for very long, we both left a mark on the other’s heart and I will always thank God for giving me time with Josh. Even though Josh has passed, his memory will live on forever and I’m grateful that I can hold his joy in my heart.

Beautiful Forever

What if you could have something that was beautiful forever? A piece of art that would last the test of time?

That is what I think about when I think about tattoos. I don’t actually have any because I am afraid of needles but I do think they are beautiful when done well.The worst thing is when people get tattoos that they regret. Especially when they don’t have the means to get them removed.

I have a lot of friends and family with tattoos. I’ve also dated a lot of guys with tattoos. So here’s to the brave ones who get them.

 

Thick Thoughts On Life

I had the pleasure of reading an upcoming memoir/collection of essays by Dr. Tressie McMillan Cottom, whose previous work Lower Ed is a great treatise on the state of for profit colleges and how students navigate the various entries into education. The opportunity to read Thick was provided by NetGalley. If you haven’t had a chance to follow Dr. McMillan Cottom on Twitter, I would advise you to do so otherwise, you can find her work in a wide variety of public spaces.

In Thick, Dr. McMillan Cottom guides the reader through the thick lived experience that will resonate with many readers. Her voice is indeed thick like a nice glass of sweet tea that your aunt or grandmother would make with just enough sugar to make you feel like you could definitely have a second glass.

I was hooked by Thick after reading a few pages because the experiences described resonated with me deeply. The further I read, the more I was pushed to affirm myself and my own lived experiences. Each chapter was indeed thick in truth and wisdom.

I cannot wait to purchase a copy of Thick. As I read, I realized that each sentence would stay with me, in fact many sections are written on my heart but I need to have them highlighted just to bring them to memory.

One of the most compelling parts of Thick is how it gives the reader(particularly Black women) not only permission to be who you are unapologetically but it pushes you to not stop, it affirms you to say “Yes, you have been right all along and you have to keep going”.

Thick is not a quick read, rather it is a jolt of electricity to the heart that seeks to let you know that your voice matters no matter what you may face each day. While it touches on the truth that so many Black women have endured since the beginning of time, it does offer a new way of walking into our excellence.

In addition, Thick offers gems for various moods or seasons that you may find yourself in. It caused my deepest emotions to burst forth in a life affirming way. There were sections that made me howl with laughter and there were sections that made me weep in a way that only someone who feels seen can ever reach.

Although Dr. McMillan Cottom is a thinker, I would also put her in a category of preacher due to the life affirming words that she offers forth into the world and the refrain that serves as the hook to this swan song which puts freedom in our hands. The larger takeaway becomes what are you going to do after you fix your feet?

*I did not receive any compensation to offer this book review*