Category Archives: Online Dating

Headspace

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This weekend was wild. It was filled with adventure but at the end of the day, I was still left with me. I recently started back online dating. I’m doing a better job of filtering. It’s like a spidey sense of sorts.The first date was with a guy who looks just like one of my friends. The conversation flowed as much as it could in an overcrowded spot. He asked great questions. Nice guy. At the end, he said we should hang out again. Cool.

The next day, tons of guys are interacting with me and texting me. It’s a circus. Then the sky parts and in walks Mr. Darcy. I’m a huge Jane Austen fan. So we end up talking about books and Mr. Darcy hates Jane Austen! I’m shocked because he is literally Mr. Darcy.

Well, Mr. Darcy and I are too matched. Have you ever met someone who could check off all of the boxes? That’s Mr.Darcy. The problem is he knew it. So all of my insecurities just flooded to the surface. I think it happened after Mr. Darcy said I deserved respect. Well, I just lost it(on the inside). So I resigned myself to not being good enough for Mr. Darcy.

Now, you would say “What are you even talking about?”. Well, let me explain. Mr. Darcy is great(I am too on paper). But in reality, I am flawed, needy, and broken. I am so broken that even though I put on a very good face, at the end of the day, I am trash and all of my exes can probably vouch for that.

See, here’s what I do, I try to be and give another person all of the good that I can muster from any corner of myself, and they don’t want it because it is deeply flawed. Then, I realize oh yes, that’s why no one wants me and I am back to my default, rinse and repeat.

Then I woke up and had an existential crisis on the way to work. I cried all the way to work. Because it’s easier to do that instead of just seeing it for what it is and just saying hey, it’s just not the time. I realized that I can’t be mad at the men who catcall me on the street hundreds of times per day because they don’t know me, they just see a part of me and that’s it. I can’t be mad at the men who are online dating and message me just to hookup because they don’t know me and they just see a part of me that seems pleasing at the time and I do better when I just don’t respond. I can’t be mad at my exes because they realized that in fact, no I was not enough for them because they only saw a few parts of me that were enough and I didn’t have enough of anything else to hide my true self.

At the end of the day, I can only be mad at myself. Because I am everything that no one will ever want. I am too loud, too smart, too crass, too fat, too not quite pretty, too you just fill in the blank. I can always work on myself but there are parts of me that won’t ever change. What’s left is what I have to live with. Do I hate myself? Not quite, let’s say I love 90-95% of myself and wish I could get rid of 5-10%.

My friends picked me up and said I am enough. So I have to act like I am enough. And that is challenging. That’s why it is easier to be single because I can ignore the parts of me that I hate. I don’t have to compare myself to all of the other people who manage to find someone.

So, that’s what I’ve been up to.

Fin

 

 

 

Taking Advice And Giving Up

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Hey blog readers,

Sorry I haven’t made time to blog, I really wanted to but other things got in the way like trying to figure out how to maneuver around guys in online dating. So last night after posting one of my latest exchanges with a guy on Tinder, a friend kindly suggested that I needed to just stop and that I was a fool. Well, I woke up to that message this morning and I had to agree. Maybe I have a tendency to get stuck on stupid and the only thing that I can change in the equation is me, so I deleted my online profiles(I know this is like deletion #879654).

We all know how tough it is to meet people now a days(especially if you are too *you fill in the blank* as I am). If I am not getting the results that I would like, no matter how obvious or easy it would be to put the blame on these guys who don’t know me at all, I have to put the blame on myself. So, since I do like to take responsibility for myself, why not remove myself from the situation.

I know that my friends are tired of hearing me rant about it so I’m done. Ecclesiastes states that there is nothing new under the sun. So for anyone who knows me, they know that this is not a new event in my life. I don’t even know why I still manage to get surprised. Also, I didn’t go in with huge expectations, I just don’t think its healthy for me to be in situations that aren’t healthy for me.

Today I managed to go for a run. I was in a good mood until I got my peer review feedback. My paper was shredded. It really hurt. One of the reviewers offered supportive, constructive feedback and the other reviewer offered personal attacks even saying that my paper evidenced no scholarship whatsoever. So, I talked to my professor to figure out if I needed to completely redo my analysis. He was really caught off guard and asked what prompted this idea. I told him what had happened and it was so ironic because I had just read an article(which I reblogged about writing). Basically I have to only apply those comments to my paper and not take them personal. So I think what I will do is add some different models to my discussion and compared them. Thank goodness I have a few days to work on it.

So rant over.

Shalom

Namaste

Focusing on Prayer

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Yesterday The Single Woman(TSW) posted a prayer on Twitter. It was as follows: God, please protect my heart, show me anything I need to see, and remove anyone from my life who doesn’t belong there. Amen. Short and simple and to the point. In the new year I always try to refocus on what God may be trying to tell me or trying to do in my life(because sometimes I am not as aware or tuned in). One way to be able to focus is to have as minimal distraction as possible especially from energy drainers or people who just aren’t moving forward with me.

Over the holidays my family gifted me with some much needed prayer journals. I also ordered a couple of devotionals(I really like devotionals to help keep me on track when I just can’t think of what I need to focus on for quiet time). I know that I have a few devotionals in my storage but I will have to get to them when I can.

Anyway, yesterday’s devotional reading discussed God’s pursuit of us(like what were the moments in your life where you knew that God was pursuing you). I feel like God has been pursuing me since my conception. No matter how far I think I have gotten away from the Lord, He is always there waiting for me and loving me just as much as before. Because His love never fails(*cue the worship song* “Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me”). That is such an awesome concept and how so do we need to extend this love to ourselves and others. Sometimes I spend so much energy beating myself up or putting myself down that it seems as if I am beyond loveable but in reality God’s love is more powerful than any noise I can imagine.

So I am taking simple steps to breathe and connect with the source of my strength. That is what helps guide me through the wonderful, interesting journey called life. When I think about the moments and breathe in and out, things seem to work out just the way they are supposed to.

Today’s devotional discussed the things that we put up that block us in essence from the sunlight of the spirit. Those times when we tell God that we know more than He does and we can do it all on our own. That was huge for me. Given the right moment, I can use anything and everything to keep me from hearing what God is actually saying. Its pride and ego plain and simple. Those moments when I think anything and everything else is more important than stopping, praying and reading the Word in order to find out what my next step should be or how I should actually handle a situation. I also use those handy moments of perfectionism and judgement that make me think that I am all powerful and that I am the best thing ever when in reality, I am only who and where I am because of God’s generous grace and mercy. These reminders help to reduce my ego and reframe my thoughts to God and His will. Do I have all of the answers for how and why God works in our lives and in the world around us, no but thank goodness I don’t have to either. Prayer is a huge reducer of ego, it is a time in space where we say “I don’t run anything, I am nothing without you”. This also extends to the grace that we have to show others.

Am I bitter and sad at my stumbling attempts at having a relationship sure. But I have no reason to be bitter towards those guys who didn’t want to have a relationship with me because it just wasn’t meant to be. I have to extend grace to them by praying for them and just quietly disappearing from the situations that I have found myself in so that I can regroup and move on. It is so much easier to move on when I don’t have a ton of emotions and heart invested due to unrealistic expectations. I am still a work in progress but atleast I am working the kinks out through prayer 🙂

So here’s to new growth in the new year!

Shalom

Namaste

You’re Special AKA When The Universe Says Try Again

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Hello beloved blog readers. You guys really are the best. You continue to check out my ramblings, the good, the bad, and the in between. So, I decided that I was going to do my best to not complain this year(or see how long I could go) and in the spirit of not being a quitter, let me spin this into the most positive post I can.

See I had a long, winding conversation with a person who so eloquently complimented me and let me down all at the same time. Oh, no I am not complaining I am just showing you that this is further proof that I am not meant to date. I am not meant to have a happily ever after. There will be no prince charming for me because Prince Charming has vanished. Where he went, no one knows.

All I know is that I am tired. I am worn, and weak, and tired. The only thing I am going to be dating is a book and running. Those two things never seem to let me down. They are consistent. They can withstand my moods and they understand. I don’t understand the whys or hows of why I screwed my life up so badly but it has come to this. I have been through too much in my life to waste anyone’s time let alone my own. So, since it all starts and ends with yours truly, let me take responsibility for myself and just continue to do what I need to do.

I just realized that even though I thought that I could manage to have time for another person, let alone another person that I thought I would be interested in, alas I do not. I don’t have time for the mental olympics involved to try and attempt to be normal while getting to know someone. That ship sailed a long time ago.

I am alive and that is all I can say about today.

Shalom

Namaste

Living Big

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     Hey beautiful blog readers. I hope you had a wonderful MLK day. I’ve been thinking a lot about life and legacy and honoring those who have gone before.
     I took it easy today. I tried to soak in each moment that I was given. I tried to be kind to the world.
     The online dating world is still an adventure. I was supposed to go on a date but it was politely postponed for later on in the week. Yes, I’m excited on the inside. Yes, I’m trying to play it cool on the outside. So you know what that means,  more prayer. Also, I’m not going to let myself settle. I will probably give more details as life unfolds. Here’s something nice: “Your laugh makes me smile”. See isn’t that nice.
     I finished reading Zach Sobiech’s story. What a wonderful example of life lived to the fullest. So I want to be more purposeful in all that I do. Also requires more prayer.
     My first 25k is this weekend. I’m excited and a little nervous. I hope it goes well. Life is more fun when lived fully.
   Shalom!
    Namaste

What A Week

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Classes started with a bang this week. My classes are going to be really interesting. One of my classes is International Migration and my professor promptly let us know that we will be looking at economic migration and policy. We are also going to look at the bigger picture of what has happened and what is happening. So my area of focus this semester will be international migration and food insecurity.

Someone who I considered a friend has a huge issue with me and blew up my Facebook yesterday. It was extremely embarrassing because even though I have no problem talking to people about my recovery, not everyone on my Facebook friends list knows that I am in recovery, so I have to spend a lot of time explaining stuff. Not a big deal just a tad annoying at times. I un-friended the person because we were never truly friends. I actually was a good friend to her and only wish her the best.

One of my dearest friends told me to check out a Ted talk about online dating which was really good. The presenter was Amy Webb. She hacked a few dating sites and was able to find love. I don’t really have time to totally hack dating sites let alone one dating site. So we talked about not having extremely high expectations and just leaving the door open. So I will do my best not to blog about it as much(aka only when something truly odd or great happens).

I am so excited, my ancestry DNA kit is on its way. I can’t wait to find out what it reveals. It will be interesting to see what discoveries are gleaned. I am a huge ancestry and history buff and I think it will help with my genealogy work. I have traced both sides of my family in the past(so to be able to fill in some gaps will be great).

My foot has been hurting a tad(on the top) and that will probably require its own post lol. I can walk and I am taking care of it(I will do a little more with it this weekend).

Here’s to the weekend 🙂

Shalom

Namaste

Wide Awake

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     So today was really stressful for me. I found out that I did my methods section wrong so I had to try and do that and also finish my homework.  I got the rough draft turned in and my homework turned in. I went to class and then right before class was over I realized my results were off because I forgot to delete a line of code and in essence had no men in my tables. Also, I didn’t add any tables to my homework.
     This all came to me at 0130. So I’m wide awake. I prayed. I said some affirmations but no luck, still up.
     So then my brain extended the anxiety to every other part of my life. I realized that I had a conversation with a friend who wasn’t listening to me because I think I was talking out of delusion. I just realized that no matter how many dates I go on, things will never work out because I will always be me. I have made so many mistakes in my life that my chance for happiness left a long time ago. It is only when I am honest with myself that I remember. That’s also a testament to how I try to not remember.
     When I’m honest with myself,  that’s why I’m always trying to reinvent myself because I live with this false idea that if I’m a better version of me everything else will magically be erased and I will finally be where I think that I should be.
     I know what it means to fail and that’s why I hate failure so much. But what do you do when it seems like all you do is fail? I know people say sleep on it but that’s hard when you can’t sleep.
     I know that God knows what I am going through but it feels so painful sometimes. I hate feeling my feelings. Sometimes it just feels like the pain magnifies. It just leaves me feeling like is this all that I amount to.
     I’m going to email my professor tomorrow at a decent time. He’s a genius so he already knows but I’m hoping for a smidgen of compassion. Literally the only thing we have left is our paper.
     I’m deleting my online dating profiles because they are pointless for me. I’m just one of those unlucky at love people and that’s okay.  It’s better that I come to grips with that reality now instead of dragging others on my awkward train.
       To my friends,  you know who you are, you deserve all of the good that is coming your way. Stay open and enjoy the journey.
Shalom
Namaste