Wow, this is going to be a doozey of a post. I am in recovery from alcohol(coming up on two years). I have actually always been against drugs and alcohol. Then I started to drink when I turned 25(due to being given a drink without knowing there was alcohol in it and being off to the races).
I grew up around drugs and alcohol my whole life. I also grew up with DARE and Just Say No To Drugs. So, even though I was around drugs and alcohol, I was told that I could not even think about doing them. Seeing the effects that drugs and alcohol had on the people around me, I didn’t want to even attempt it. I didn’t see the point. My parents were huge cigarette smokers too and even though I tried one once, it just didn’t make sense to me.
After my Mom passed from COPD(due to smoking), my family told me to start living my life. So I hung out with people who partied and just drank water and then cranberry juice. Once I stepped my toes in the pool of alcohol, everything clicked. I never fit in when I was out partying but the alcohol helped me to forget that for the most part. Until it made me remember everything else.
I am a very sensitive person(literally) and I’m super hyper without coffee(that’s one reason why I don’t drink coffee and I hate the taste). So the alcohol tapped every part of my sensitivity. I would go straight from being loud and wacky to sleepy and blacking out. So even though my drinking career was short lived, it was still long enough for me to remember and not want to go back.
Also, while drinking I accepted scraps from tons of guys who drank and did drugs. Looking back on certain quasi-relationships, when I am asked if I would have been with those people if I were not drinking, I say absolutely not. I was sober in my last relationship but I didn’t have very much emotional sobriety. I thought that once a person professed his love for me(which has only happened twice in my life) that it would be enough to overcome any and everything. I didn’t listen to my intuition(even though it was ringing loudly). Now I know that saying you love someone and loving someone are two different things. I also made it clear to that person that I was not having kids with someone who wasn’t sober(because that would have been repeating my life all over again).
Once I stopped partying, my people, places, and things changed dramatically. All of my party friends still party and when I am in a really good mood(aka can ignore the jabs about my non-drinking) I can see people and have fun with my cranberry juice. I wish people could see that I’m still me just better sober.
I like to think that I have a lot of fun in recovery. Being sober allows me to have sober thoughts in all areas of my life. Even though I am an uber romantic, I know that I can evaluate who I let into my life with both eyes open. Usually because I am so sensitive, as soon as someone says something that irks me to my core, I shut down and politely remove myself from their presence.
Drugs are a no brainer for me now. No matter how hot or how fine an addict might be, in my eyes, an addict will always be an addict. As a result, I cannot let myself get too close. I believe that while drugs may make a person think that they feel out of this world, they slowly eat away at the brain. I truly believe that. So my ideal partner would not use drugs or alcohol.
In the meantime I just live my life one day at a time and try to be the best me I can. Sober.