Author Archives: Gemma B.

About Gemma B.

A place where I share thoughts on this journey called life.

Thoughts About Online Dating

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So I had sworn off online dating in 2018. But once I moved, I started to reconsider. I’m praying about it. I have moments where I’m optimistic but when I think about all of the drama I’ve gone through, the optimism dissipates.

If I do jump in, I plan on being smart about it and being much more discerning. Friends were telling me to be more optimistic but I think it’s important to be realistic. When I say be realistic I mean being realistic about myself. I know I can be a piece of work and I know that I am not everyone’s cup of tea.

I also feel like I’m at an age where I’m not as desperate as I used to be. For the most part I have made peace with what will be.

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2018 Ready To Run

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So this year, in an epic year of all epic years, I decided to run a 50 miler. I know, I know. But here’s the thing, all of my friends have run one. Also, the training plan is uber similar to a 50k plan. Also it gives me an excuse to run all of the distances that I haven’t been able to in a while either due to life or recovery(from leg stuff).

I haven’t been training on purpose in a bit(especially after the accident) but a week or two ago, I was really going through some stuff and I went for a nice 8 mile run and felt much better, that was when I realized that I needed to get myself in gear and I wrote out my training plan. I also have a strength plan(mostly body weight stuff at the moment).

The funny thing about this new training plan is that Monday is a rest day. Other than that, most of it is just the usually mix of distance and speed. I don’t really do a lot of speed stuff but maybe that will change in the upcoming months.

Happy Running

 

2018 The Journey Continues

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Greetings from 2018! I mean we are almost one month down.

For months I told myself that I would write some blog posts(because at the time I had so much swirling around in my head) and what would you know, I never wrote them.I have no excuses because just in case you had not heard, I graduated in December of 2017 whoop! Which was pretty awesome and definitely makes the journey worth it.

As I was working on my dissertation, I made more of an effort on the job hunt. I applied far and wide and to all kinds of positions. Out of a ton of applications, I managed to snag a few interviews(I was excited about all of them). Then, I was selected for my dream job(if you looked at the job description, my name was all over it) and now I am winding things down and wrapping up loose ends in order to take the next steps in the journey.

None of this would be possible without all of my friends and family both online and in real life. Support matters no matter where it comes from. All of the laughs and tears result in adding to a life that I can be proud of.

I even had a come to Jesus moment with Sgt. Pepper and I boldly told him that it is best for us to hold on to the good memories we had and not move forward(whoo, I even looked at myself like levels).

I’m still thinking of how exactly I am going to write my memoir. A friend just told me about creative non-fiction. So, I definitely have some ideas swirling in that direction. I think that it will turn out the way it should turn out when it will turn out.

I have to get a bunch of research ideas down, so that I don’t forget them.  A great professor said to have a research box(kind of like a prayer box) where every time you read a paper and a question comes to you, you write it down and put it in the box(or in my case, box, spreadsheet, and blog lol).

So here’s to a continuation of the journey!

 

Academic site

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Hey blog readers,

Just wanted to update you on my academic and professional updates. I now have a professional page that you can check out at:

https://jewelbarnettphd.wordpress.com

 

Thank you!

2017 Online Dating (The Struggle Continues)

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Hey blog readers,

As many of the faithful readers know, this is not my first rodeo when it comes to online dating. It can kind of be like a fun house at times where I am just running to get to the end.

I have a lot of friends who have found much success and happiness through online dating. So after hearing about some good news from a highly respected friend, I reached out to her and she suggested, you guessed it, online dating. So I decided to create new profiles. These profiles are okay and pretty light(in my opinion).

Immediately, guys wanted me to come over to their homes that night(which I politely declined). One guy politely asked for a date days in advance(which I agreed to). This afternoon I spoke to another friend who is online dating and she gave me some tips. It is okay to have standards and be honest about what you are looking for(since I am not looking for anything casual, I can’t put short term relationship on my profile).

So, this morning a guy messaged me and we had basically an introductory convo. Well, after a few back and forths, he mentioned that he was only looking for something casual because he had just gotten out of a long term relationship. I feel like this is the line that most guys who are online dating give to me, so I told him, that was what I was expecting(because I hear it so often) and that I was just looking to date. So, of course, I mention this to my friends online. Well, when I brought it up to my friend who is online dating, she said, no, not all men were looking for something casual. That in fact, some men are looking to settle down. She said that the only men who contact her, are those who are looking to settle down. So, while my friend clearly made me change my mind, the guy messaged me and mentioned some other “criteria” that he was in search of, which I did not fit, so alas, there was no match.

I can’t see women’s profiles but men’s profiles range from empty to unicorn status(meaning they are looking for someone who doesn’t exist or someone who isn’t single). The response time is interesting as well. Some will reply quickly, some take a bit of time, and others not at all(I guess that is the name of the game). So, my goal this time around, is to see just how long I can last(3 months, 6 months, 1 year?) because usually I bail after a week(or after Sgt. Pepper’s profile pops up). Now, years ago, I think the longest I had profiles up was 6 months or so(don’t quote me).

Now you might be asking, “But didn’t you denounce online dating?”, and the answer is “Why, yes, yes I did”. But here’s why I can’t completely let go of it(for now), I am not meeting people in every day life and no one is introducing me or setting me up with people in every day life. So, I really don’t have many options. Now am I open to meeting someone in every day life? Absolutely.

Life is just like a roller coaster and sometimes all we can do is hold on for the ride.

 

2017 The Road To Dissertation Defense

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Hey blog readers,

I just realized that I had not provided any dissertation updates. In April of 2017, I successfully defended my research proposal. Since then, I have been writing and editing in order to craft my dissertation into something substantial. First and foremost, it has to be readable. That means, I have to make all of my thoughts make sense.

While I am attempting to do that, life continues to happen. Nothing too spectacular, just the normal busyness of life with some added anxiety of the job market. I am applying to a number of places. I re-dyed my hair so that it would be one color(well, let’s just say my hair laughed a lot). Overall, it sort of is the same shade.

I am also training for a marathon with a friend long-distance(this will be her first marathon) and I hope to be healthy enough to cross the finish line. This past year(along with recovering from the car accident), I have been dealing with a lot of calf tightness. It has forced me to walk a lot and do other exercises. At this point, it manages to alert me during part of the first mile and then diminishes. It is so annoying.

 

Acceptance By Any Means

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I am really good at a lot of things. But acceptance really isn’t one of them. In recovery we say “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”. What if serenity is elusive?

It has been two years since one of my oldest friendships ended(and it feels like ten years) and all I can think and feel is the core of me is garbage. My friend accepted all of me, even my core of garbage until she couldn’t anymore. Today I wonder how long she suffered under my garbage. I reached out to some friends for sage advice. I mentioned my mistakes and how I have tried to reach out over the past two years and you know what they said? They said that I have to stop. I have to let her go. I have to let her be in her serenity. And while I don’t have a deep grasp on serenity, I have to give that to her. The thing is, I can give that to her. I can give that to her and accept my garbage. Because at the end of the day, it’s just my garbage.

Who cares what I miss. I should have thought of that at the time, what I would miss, what I would lose, what I would not become but I couldn’t see it because I was blinded by my own garbage. I am a trash person and my core will be trash. The garbage is not to be celebrated, but it is to be learned from. So going forward, I have to continue to learn from my mistakes big and small. I also have to show more gratitude for those who choose to be in my life garbage and all. I am very thankful for them and I probably wouldn’t be able to even look half way decent if it weren’t for the great people that are in my life in these moments. Yes, you win some and you lose some. I definitely lost. That’s also the story of my life, I have lost a lot. But being a loser doesn’t give me the right to treat anyone badly. So I attempt to walk forward not adding harm to others. Some days are quite easier than others.

Let us walk toward serenity by any means.