Tag Archives: Recovery

The Blood Lent Day 20

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    Father, we are so thankful for Your redeeming grace that exceeds our sin and our guilt. This is possible because of the blood of Jesus which was poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.  Where our sin increased, Your grace increased all the more.  Your refuge for our sin-filled souls took place at the cross of Calvary where Jesus shed His precious blood so that we might find forgiveness for our sins. This salvation is marvelous; it is matchless and it is infinitely greater than the animal blood sacrifice that took away sins for only a season. Christ’s redeeming blood sacrifice frees us from the penalty of sin in this life and for all eternity. We thank You, Jesus, for freely shedding Your blood on our behalf and it is in Your name that we pray.  Amen.

     The blood that Christ shed on the cross for us,it the payment for all that we did and will do in our imperfection. The more I spend time thinking about Christ’s sacrifice, I realize that I truly can never be equal or would ever be able to do the same. Only by Christ’s sacrifice, can I walk in freedom today. 

     Today I started my day with the daily reading from the Twenty Four Hours book and some worship music. I love music. I believe it goes down deep into the soul, kind of like the Holy Spirit. I remember when I was young and we were told to get rid of all of our secular music in church. I actually did that a few times in my life. I think it is good to have a balance in our lives. Now that I am older, I definitely understand the reason why it is important to have positive, uplifting music in our lives. How can I expect to get peace in my spirit when I am listening to vulgar, disrespectful words? So I am trying to do a better job of having more balance in my music choices. 

     Then I went to a couple of meetings that were really encouraging. Being in the fellowship makes me realize its not all about me, its about all of us. One of the old timers who really helped me when I had a few weeks sober asked me where the people I came in with were, I said that they had relapsed or died. Addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful and if you believe that you don’t know anyone who is struggling, you aren’t looking hard enough. 

     After one of the meetings a guy came up to me and started flirting with me. I was shocked but attempted to listen to what he was saying anyway. He told me that we had met a year ago and that he had offered me a ride but I had said no. I said, yeah that sounds about right. Then I remembered. He told me that I smelled good. I replied that that is what happens when you get sober, you start showering. So just picture me, with a bag of fifteen library books(not that hot). I asked him if he had a sponsor. He said that he was looking for one. I know what you are going to say. He asked me if I was available. I laughed and said no, but I had some really great guys I could introduce him to. So I did. I introduced him to a few good sober guys.

     That’s really all I can do for people who are new in recovery. He will have a year soon. Now I have no clue why guys with under a year gravitate towards me. I just tell them all to see me when they get a year. I pray for them all. I think it is so neat when people are able to meet other people in recovery. When people are working strong programs, it is a beautiful thing. So yes, even though I am single and saved and perpetually always looking for the next person to be in a relationship with, I know that I want God’s best for me. That means whatever I have to sacrifice, like my ego and pride, I am willing to do it because I want God’s best(in the way He intends) like a thirsty man wants water. 

     I mean God has brought me this far. Through so much misguided self-will run riot. So now that I am actually listening, how can I even hint at thinking that He can’t handle this? Because the last thing I need is veering off course for something or someone that God did not tell me to choose. 

     Then when I went to the library to return my fifteen books only to get a new set of fifteen, I realized, maybe its easier to just have books in my corner. Because books are safe and won’t destroy my life the way a bad relationship could. I also thought, who could understand my need to read? Not very many people. So yeah, I still need a lot of prayer. I mean sometimes I wonder if I am even half of the person that God intends me to be. I always think there is so much more that I can do. 

     Well, I hope you have a great day!

Keep me in your prayers as you are in mine. 

Namaste

     

      

Silent Lent Day 19

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Lord, thank-you for silent suffering that brings our hidden sins to light, and the harms of sin to naught, and that turns the hurts of sin to joy. We praise you for freely given costly grace! Amen.

I’m thanking Jesus for His suffering for me. I am always mindful of it. I just remember grace and mercy. When I focus on the sacrifice Jesus made for me, I can’t help but be humbled. Today I went to three meetings(one was an AA and Al-Anon mix, the second was Al-Anon, and the third was one of my favorite AA meetings). All of the meetings related to the third step and focusing on our relationship with God. 

I saw the guy I was supposed to hang out with last week. He looked great. I gave him a few big hugs. He said that he wanted to work on things. I asked him how much recovery time he had. He’s still working on it, so I told him to see me when he has a year. Then I realized that I will be really busy by that time. So it is best to just leave things where they are. 

A good friend told me to pray for God to show me what to do and how things will work out. I thought I was doing that but I can definitely pray harder. The third step prayer involves us asking for God’s will to be done in our lives and not our own. I do want God’s perfect will to be done in my life, because I know my life will be better off for it. I can only mess things up when I try to take control. 

I downloaded a note app thing and out of five things I only managed to cross out one lol. I still can’t believe that I almost didn’t leave the house today because I thought it was too cold. That is what jackets are for. I listened a lot and learned a lot today. I am really proud of myself. 

I am going to read some of my big book tonight before bed. I love how I see God and recovery in everything now. It’s so interesting how much greater life can be sober. A few people asked me how my talk went last night and I just said ok. I think I kept it short and sweet. It truly is amazing how God can work in my life when I let Him. 

I talked to my friend and I think we got things worked out(we are praying for each other). I have to keep reminding myself that just because I don’t have something major to worry about doesn’t mean I have to find stuff to worry about. That’s not my job. 

Thank you for praying for me. I’m praying for you too. 

Namaste

Humbled Lent Day 18

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     Today was pretty interesting. I was able to run for the first time in a week.  I then walked not to jinx it. I missed running.
     I was excited to speak tonight,  so I went to the mall to find something cute. Well when I looked at my budget, I went home. So much for that.
     I took a cab because I thought I was going to be late and I was a half hour early. Time managed to go by quickly. I had an idea of what I was going to share.
     Then I was given some unexpected information. I could not believe it. I’m still thinking about it.
     The meeting was small and informal. I shared. I don’t know how I did.  I was given a standing ovation. I think I kept it short. I tried to stay positive.  I told them to do their best to wait for a relationship.  I told them that I had been right where they were.
    I was able to talk to different people afterwards.  Then I headed to the bus stop where I had to wait in the dark for an hour because the bus ran late.
      I guess my brain is preoccupied.  I’m making a judgement in my head about a situation. I’m going to ask my question so I can get it over with, but I don’t know if I’m going to believe the answer.
So on that note. I’m off to bed.
Namaste

Grateful For Another Day

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“I call heaven and earth to witness this day against you that I have set before you life and death, the blessings and the curses, therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live” Deuteronomy 30:19

     My day started off a tad frazzled. I was still thinking about class last night. Last night we discussed suicide risk assessment. Some of my classmates were a tad nervous to do it. I had practice doing it last semester. I know that it is serious and important so I have no problem doing it. 

    I began my day by eating a chocolate brownie and drinking a hot chocolate. I also ate some fresh strawberries. So in my mind it was totally balancing out. I wrote in a notebook my thoughts about suicide and my own dark nights of the soul. I took a lot of deep breathes. I said the Serenity Prayer. I told myself some positive self talk. 

     My day flowed and then I found out that a good friend in recovery had died. Today was her birthday. I was stunned. Every time a person dies, it hits me hard. I had planned to go eat some tacos for lunch/dinner. Well, that plan changed.So I had a huge salad, some risotto, and a chocolate lava cake. Yep, I did that. I was sad and could not stop thinking about my friend. Of course my stomach let me know how terrible my choices were. 

    I called my sponsor. I headed to a meeting. Where I met with a lot of good friends. The meeting was good. I made the mistake of flirting with a guy who *cough* has a girlfriend. I didn’t know but I figured as much. So I was already crying for my friend and it just led me to cry for myself. 

    I had the opportunity to attend a new meeting with a friend. As soon as I got there, I saw some cute guys and stuck out my hand to say hello and they looked at me crazy because drum roll, they already knew me. In fact I met like six people who knew me from when I was new in recovery. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. All I could do was blush and say weird things like “blah, bleep, boop”. People even remembered my big book(I hadn’t had it with me). It was really nice to be around great friends and know that people have me in their thoughts and prayers(as I do them). 

     Both meetings were great and I definitely learned a lot. It made me wonder, the same way we do a suicide risk assessment, why don’t we do a relapse risk assessment? Could that be a way to help others who were struggling with their addiction? I know that addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful but couldn’t the same be said of suicide/the path to suicide?

     This is just further proof that the more I think I have answers, the more I have to have faith and trust because my answers may not even be close to the truth. God has such huge plans for all of us. It just made me stop and think. My mind was literally blown away. I literally have to take each moment for what it is and what it has to offer. 

     A lot of things have potential to come together for me. I can’t rush any of them, I know that. So I am forced to take things step by step and exercise my faith. I also want to make an effort to be nicer to people because I am a snarky, sarcastic, you know what. I just realized that doesn’t help me or the other person. It is a truly lose lose situation. 

     Now while I know that I don’t have all the answers, I know that God does.That means I have a hope and a future. That also means that God didn’t bring me this far for me to fail. So even though I am scared(because its the unknown). I can take small steps in the right direction in order to feel a bit better. 

    Regarding the hot guy with a girlfriend, that just means I need to keep my big mouth shut. I wish I could have a permanent thought in my head “Thou shalt not ask guys out” and “Thou shalt not be aggressive with guys”. I think I am one step closer to learning my lesson. 

     Regarding my registration situation, so totally out of my hands its not even funny. All I can do is take the steps in front of me to complete this semester. Such as going to class, getting my internship hours, and doing my assignments. Yep, that sounds like enough. 

     So here’s to more deep breathing and acceptance

Namaste

 

Stop, Breathe, Pray

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     Today I stopped and took in each moment. I keep breathing and even took deep breathes when needed. I prayed this morning. These are some of the things that I was able to do in order to listen and learn from the world around me. I read my devotional this morning.

     The devotional used Isaiah 41:10, 13 “Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice…For I the Lord your God hold your right hand; I am the Lord, Who says to you. Fear not; I will help you!. 

     The awesome thing about prayer is that we can do it silently or out loud(it all gets heard). My ultimate prayer is that God’s will be done in my life and that I get out of my own way. I am trying to slow down so that I can learn what I need to learn. This can be a challenge for an impatient person. It is worth it, so I try not to be so hard on myself. 

     Today I still didn’t feel well(I was able to run today so a little better than yesterday). I wish I could figure out what I ate to make myself sick. The up side is that it is making me more mindful of what I do eat. So for breakfast I had pineapple and nuts, for lunch I had a veggie spinach wrap and some sun chips, an apple, and for dinner I had some melon, six cubes of dark chocolate(71% cacao), and ginger tea. 

     I told Thai guy that I needed to pass on dinner(because I would only be having a salad) and he decided to reschedule. I can’t say I don’t know what is going to happen there because I had mentioned to him that I don’t drink. But I just told him that I am in recovery. So this may work. He had mentioned that he wasn’t hot enough for me(then I had to reflect on how much of a jerk I am for giving hot guys a pass and scrutinizing not as hot guys, I hate that I do that).

      A guy that I barely know(friend of friends) asked me for my number(and I tried to let him down gently). Then an old buddy wanted to go running this weekend. I agreed, but then when I could feel how geeked he was, I asked another friend to join us(who probably can’t make it). So, I have all of these opportunities to show kindness to others.

     The other day, I went to see some friends in recovery and one of my old-timer friends gave me a huge lecture. I felt bad about it. I talked to my sponsor. She told me not to get complacent in my recovery. So I have to put time in my schedule for meetings. I feel like when I didn’t have a lot of responsibilities it was easy for me to be all consumed with my recovery. Now I’m busy and some days I’m just trying to breathe to keep my head above water. 

     I placed a hold on a bunch of Black Feminist writings at the library and I was able to pick them up today. I am reading poems by Gwendolyn Brooks and she sure is powerful. What an inspiration and reflection of life. So I look forward to learning a lot and expanding my knowledge base. 

     Sometimes I have to just stop and sit in my gratitude. I am thankful for all of my blessings and all of the great people that I have in my life. I am learning to be grateful for my lessons. I know that I am not perfect but it is nice to know that I am trying to make progress. It also doesn’t hurt that the weather is getting better. I think the sun makes everything better. 

Here’s to life and gratitude 🙂

Shalom