Tag Archives: Single

It Takes What It Takes-Reflection

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     The Women’s Conference at church was awesome. The speakers were great and I really learned a lot. There was a lot to take in. I was so inspired and ready to take on the world. I was able to finish up my last assignments for the semester. I started to get a little excited about graduation. 

     I know I have wobbled in my thoughts on online dating. I have asked tons of friends. I have read tons of articles. I have had a lot of feedback. Then I decided to see what God had to say about it. I started to draw back a bit when I had the idea of reconnecting with my ex. Then I realized I was excited about the idea of him. I wasn’t excited about the reality of him.

     Even though he apologized, there really wasn’t anything else there. I mean I discussed with him how much I continued to hate online dating and he seemed to have no problem with it. Then I just started to feel those same old feelings that I used to have come back. There is something about him that I don’t trust and he didn’t do anything to even acknowledge it or attempt to change it.

     When you tell someone in recovery that you would take care of them if they chose to drink, that is not a term of endearment, it is a sign that you don’t understand the person’s journey. Of course I mentioned it. You know the feeling you get when someone is lying to you and you just aren’t in their face to give them a huge side eye. Yeah, that is what my gut is telling me. 

     What some people don’t seem to realize is I have probably been through an encyclopedia of bad dates/relates/crap so I know all of the elements that made a not gonna happen tornado. So yes, if a miracle happens and he does take me out this weekend, I will have an open mind and open eyes. If it doesn’t happen, I will not be surprised. My thought today was why would someone take an ex back. I mean I practically did an empty chair on myself. I drank three cups of tea today(I am finding that tea brings much clarity). All I could think was why would he want to be in my face(since he had me but didn’t do anything with me) and then why would I really want to be in his. 

     So the ex is in the same boat as all of the other guys who I interacted with, who just aren’t quite stepping up to the plate. I like to think that I am not asking for too much in a relationship but I am. I am asking for a lot because I have a lot to add to the equation. So today, after letting him know how he could contact me(which he already knew), I deleted my accounts. I feel like a weight has been lifted. 

     So now I am going to focus on what is ahead of me and do my best to leave everything in God’s hands. He knows exactly what my journey looks like. Nothing that I do surprises Him. I also know that God would not want me to just put myself around people who can’t see my good qualities and can only think about what I am no longer giving. 

     I have a big appointment tomorrow. I’m not nervous, just wouldn’t mind doing anything else. So if you pray for me, please add extra prayers tomorrow. Yesterday I had some awesome avocado tacos and today I made some that were even better. So tomorrow I have more avocado tacos to look forward too. 

     I took a dating readiness quiz and I got a yellow light(proceed with caution). I like to think that I am ready to date and build a relationship but maybe I’m not. I have to be open to that idea. I know that I can be weird. I won’t stop praying about it though. I like to think I have come a long way, but maybe relationship wise I haven’t. So I have to pray that I get healthier and wiser in order to be a good partner for someone instead of an afterthought. Yes, I have no problem taking the blame for my mistakes. At the same time, if you were in my shoes, I am sure you would have ended things even sooner. Yes, I do realize that I am terribly impatient. But its like the saying goes, don’t pee on my leg and tell me its raining.

     In other news, I went to a Christian fashion show and it was a blast. The only bad part was my knees weren’t covered, so every time someone walked past me or was introduced to me, the first thing they looked at were my knees. Yes, the holy side eye is a harsh experience. In fact I mentioned it because some ladies were talking about the dress standards. I made the point that yes people do need to have conversations about it instead of just the usual side eye and gossip behind their backs. The fashions were fantastic though. It definitely made me think about my old wardrobe and some of the really cute skirts that I miss. 

Shalom

Namaste

Being Single Is Hard Aka I Don’t Wish It On Anyone

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     I know some of you may be saying to yourselves that you already know that. I think I am at this point where I have to learn a hard lesson and as much as I try to avoid it, it won’t let me go around it. When I talk to older people, they tell me how young I am and they cannot believe that I am single. When I talk to younger people, they cannot believe how old I am and they wonder why I am single. When I talk to people my own age, they just shake their heads at nod at the sad state of affairs. 

     I read an article today that said in dating its not about looking for another person, its about looking for yourself. It was a good article. But here is my issue, I know who I am. I just can’t seem to be completely content as a single person. Which is probably surprising since I have been single longer than I have ever been in a relationship. I just realized that I don’t date well. It makes no sense that I want a relationship more than air sometimes but I don’t even know how to have one. 

     In a lot of areas of my life I am deeply insecure and I think online dating/dating in general only magnifies that. So since I am such a “feeling” person, I think I need to listen. Why is it important for me to be in a relationship? Because I think being in a relationship will mean that I am loveable and that someone cares about me. I think that if I were married then I could have a family(of my own). But the longer I am single(soon it will be at the year and a half mark), the harder it gets. 

     So, I am telling myself to give the online dating thing some time(I don’t even know how long) but gosh it is painful. It is painful when you go on a date and think that you click with someone and they are not thinking about if they are clicking with you. It is painful trying to filter through hundreds and thousands of profiles at a time. It is painful when guy after guy tells you how sexy you are and asks you what you are wearing. It is painful when forty plus guys can message you and not know how to have a decent conversation.

     I asked a friend if a person could give up expectations cold turkey. I figured since I am so good at giving up stuff, that I could also give up expectations but I don’t quite know how to do that. I also figured that maybe I am just friend material. I seem to be a good friend to others so maybe I just need to focus on being a good friend. Its so ironic to me because I thought for sure I had learned my lesson in how to treat someone and here I am repeating the same patterns. 

     So, I am pretty sure that the lesson I have to learn is embracing my singleness. I remember when I was a teen they taught us about the gift of singleness in church and none of us wanted to have it. I don’t want to have it now but it seems like this is my reality. How can I say that I want a relationship when my actions just drive people away? 

     Some of my friends mentioned that it is important to date more than one person at a time. But how can you do that if you are not being asked out? Yesterday my date mentioned the circle of influence vs. the circle of concern to me. I think it may be time to focus on just what is in front of me. Yes, I know that I went on a date yesterday. I should be happy about that. But I’m not. 

     I was talking to a few of my trusted guy friends and I asked them why guys would talk about personal or emotional stuff and then wonder why the girl is taking it all in as serious. The guys said that some guys like to do that just to get a reaction. I think this is horrible and I fall for it every time. 

     I also don’t want to be like the drowning man who is asking God for help and when he gets to heaven God tells him all of the things he sent to rescue the man. I feel like I am back in high school again when I had crushes on tons of guys who were so out of my league it was like they were on another planet. 

     I am not sure that I know what the answer is but I know that I can continue to pray about it. Maybe some people do just come into our lives for a season and we just have to express thanks for that season. 

Shalom

     

Awkward Moments

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     So yesterday was Valentine’s Day or as singles refer to it Singles Awareness Day. I treated myself and got two adorable cards from friends. Some of my friends encouraged me to try my hand yet again at online dating. So of course I dived right back in. I know what I had blogged about. But I thought that I could try a different angle and learn from it. 

     So a guy asked me if I wanted to meet up for coffee today. I agreed. When I arrived at the coffee shop(a little early), I saw some good friends. I went over to talk to them. We had a nice conversation. Then my date comes to the coffee shop and I go inside to meet him. We decide to sit outside. As my friends walk by to leave they say out loud “He’s cute”. My date smiled and we had a great time. 

     He had mentioned going to check out some guitars. So we went to a guitar shop and he tested a few out. He even taught me a song(I was kind of embarrassed though). After we left the shop, he asked me if I was hungry and we went to get some food. He mentioned checking out another guitar shop.

     So we went to the guitar shop and I noticed it had flutes there. I went and drooled over the flutes and then looked at some music.  We went into the guitar room and I left to go to the restroom. When I came back, I bought the music book(it was in a bag with the receipt). We left the store and upon leaving the clerk asked to see my receipt. I think I rolled my eyes because my date said “They do that to everyone, do you think they did it because you are black?” and of course I said yes. So we went to the car and I put the music away. He handed me a rubix cube(awesome but not because alas I still don’t know how to solve one). Well, he explained to me how to solve it(while he solved it). I thought that was so cool. We went back to the guitar store and as we left, he showed the clerk his receipt(she didn’t ask for it because *cough* he had a freaking guitar). 

    So on the ride home we talked about what had happened. He asked me if my reaction to the clerk was instinctual. I said yes it was. That kind of thing doesn’t happen to me often(mostly because I always have my receipt at the ready or in my hand). We talked about gratitude. He also made me laugh(a lot). At the end of our interesting date, he gave me a hug(and not a kiss). So even though I had a great time. All I could think about was “Wow, he didn’t kiss me”. 

     So just to recap, yes my toes are back in the online dating waters. I am deleting jerks as soon as I can spot them and I am keeping an open mind. PS I tried to call irl friends but no one answered(in case you are shocked when you read this). 

Shalom

    

TheSW30(9) Your favorite weird/quirky behavior

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Wow! I can’t limit my weird behavior to one thing. I’m weird. So pretty much everything that I do is weird. 

1. I dance to loud music alone in my room

2. I talk to animals

3. I love to be domestic(laundry, cleaning, cooking, baking etc.)

4. All of my sneakers have to have pink laces(because pink is my favorite color)

5. I love unsweet tea of all flavors

6. I can be a bit of a know it all(because I literally have a lot of things in my head)

7. I wear socks to bed

8. I keep tons of blankets on my bed(I can never be too warm)

9. I don’t like to be alone(except when I run or do homework)

10. I love to call my friends and ask them mundane questions like “What are you eating?” because I love food. 

11. I turn up the volume on foreign films 🙂

12. I make conversation with people wherever I go

13. I love to take notes(so I can remember stuff)

14. I have kept a journal since I was seven

Ok, I think that’s probably enough for now lol

Let your weird/quirky flag fly 🙂

TSW30(7) Where You Are Vs. Where You Thought You Would Be

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Well, where I am now is I am a grad student(again). I am single(again). I am trying to write a book(again). I am running a marathon(fourth one).
Where I thought I would be, oh I thought I would teach forever(nope). I thought I would be married and have kids, a house, a dog and a cat(not even close). A lot of people say that it is important to look at the new plan that your life is following. I feel like my new plan is the wildest roller coaster I have ever been on(I hate roller coasters). I have to take the time to focus on the small things in my life(like the great apple I neglected that is yummy). Otherwise my roller coaster goes off track fast.
I am grateful for my old and new friends who help me see that I will be ok. I am thankful for all of the small seeds that have been planted in my life. I am grateful for my health and marathons(they give me life).
So I hope to walk in gratitude today 🙂

TSW30(4) Your Biggest Fear As A Single

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Well, of course my biggest fear as a single is not getting married and starting a family. So what I do in order to not feed my fear all of the time is stay grateful for what I do have. I have today. I can find joy in my friends, family, and nature.
When I was younger I worked with kids whenever I was asked in order to help feed my fears. Kids are great. They have a lot to teach us. So I cherish the moments that I have to spend with them.
One of the reasons why I loved teaching was the joy that helping children gave me. I also thought that I could be like Matilda’s teacher Miss Honey(in my dreams).
So now that my life has changed its course, I have new dreams and spend more time focusing on them. Also, because I love animals so much I have made peace with being a cat lady 🙂

TSW30(2)-Describe A Moment/Day When Being Single Really Sucked

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Oh does it really just have to be one moment/day? It sucks all of the time. I will do my best to go down the line. These are my opinions but I have a suspicion that other singles may feel the same way. 

Being single sucks when you see many of your friends in awesome relationships, getting engaged, getting married, having babies, living life as a family. Because when you are single, its just you. The Bible says that man was not meant to be alone, and in theory that is why community is emphasized. But in some areas,the community as a whole is unwelcoming to singles. A lot of times when people are in relationships, they forget what it was like to be single. 

Being single sucks when you are fresh out of a relationship, or anytime people ask you about your ex, or assume that you and your ex are still together. Now, don’t get me wrong, I answer everyone with a big smile and a laugh but in one week my ex and I will have been over for a year. That is twelve months, shoot that is a full three hundred and sixty-five days and to have people in real life and online think that I am still in a relationship rips daggers into me. Because I am super single. I am so single a dollar bill has nothing on me. 

Being single sucks when people tell you things like “It will happen”, “There is a great guy out there for you”, “You just need to be nice”, “You just need to go out” “You just need to _______”. The truth is none of us knows where our next partner is. I promise you Mr. Next has not been beating down my door(real or imagined). How do I know? Because I have went on one date in the past three hundred and sixty-five days and Mr. Wrong didn’t cut it. 

Being single sucks because I do feel empty inside. I feel like I’m still not good enough for a good guy. I feel like I’ve wasted my life. I feel like my happy ever after isn’t going to happen. These are the moments when being single sucks. Being single sucks when you don’t have kids because you don’t have your own family. You don’t get to experience all of those joys that people have when they have kids. Being single sucks when you go to weddings and you don’t catch the bouquet(yes, that is a thing). Being single sucks because you don’t have someone to share this journey called life with. Being single sucks because you create all of these what if scenarios in your mind with past relationships and then you snap to reality and realize they were just fantasy. 

So yes, even though I usually have a smile on my face, or I literally laugh out loud, my general consensus is that being single sucks. Now I think if I had a tad more money and was really independent, I would be out there creating my own adventures(still in my dreams). In the meantime I continue to pray for my future partner and throw myself into my goals or a good book because its just easier that way.