Category Archives: Love

Close Encounters

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Have you ever had someone come into your life for just a moment but stay in your heart forever?

Once upon a time, I was an awkward girl in Bible college. Bible college was a bubble in every sense of the word but it was just enough for someone just out of high school. It was a lilly pad of sorts.

Well, enter an angel with the bluest eyes and the coolest hair, without much of a care in the world. That angel’s name was Josh and let me tell you. *Whoo*. Takes a moment to collect myself. Josh was definitely an angel because he saw through all of me, deep down to my inmost being, and he wasn’t scared. We came into each other’s lives at a time where everything just made a little more sense. We had great conversations. We shared our hearts. We believed the future was bright.

Although we weren’t in each other’s lives for very long, we both left a mark on the other’s heart and I will always thank God for giving me time with Josh. Even though Josh has passed, his memory will live on forever and I’m grateful that I can hold his joy in my heart.

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2018 The Saga of Online Dating

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As you may or may not know, I got my feet wet in the online dating pool again. Although I have been online dating off and on over the years, I maintained my optimism due to so many friends who managed to find success across sites. I joined Match.com for the first time and rejoined Bumble. I decided to do this for the summer and see what came of it. It also served as a distraction from my ex who made an unusual reappearance in my life before I moved and a few weeks after. I think we both know that we would not be anything(its been too long and we still don’t see things on the same page).

My thoughts on both sites:

Match.com: Match has a lot of great qualities. Unfortunately, the matches are hit or miss. The site gives me Plenty of Fish vibes with a slightly newer interface. As of now, over 750 guys have viewed my profile but I don’t think even twenty guys have sent me a message. I did not renew my subscription(which will end in August).

Bumble: Bumble is a great site. Unfortunately, many of the matches seem fake. I appreciate the fact that the woman can initiate the conversation. Sadly, many men treat it as if it is Tinder and my initial conversations do not give off Tinder vibes.

A friend did look at my profile and suggested that I get professional pictures done but I do not think it is worth it(because I am not that kind of person). A lot of guys on Bumble do use professional head shots and I swipe left because they just look so fake.  So far I only had to report one person for being completely inappropriate and the site took care of it.

I haven’t went on any dates yet but I did have a few offers(I was supposed to have a date over the weekend, but the guy messed that up, another guy hasn’t set a date yet, and another guy made plans for this week), so we shall see.

Overall, guys like my profile and conversation but not enough to parlay into a date. So we shall see what the rest of the summer holds,

Thoughts About Online Dating

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So I had sworn off online dating in 2018. But once I moved, I started to reconsider. I’m praying about it. I have moments where I’m optimistic but when I think about all of the drama I’ve gone through, the optimism dissipates.

If I do jump in, I plan on being smart about it and being much more discerning. Friends were telling me to be more optimistic but I think it’s important to be realistic. When I say be realistic I mean being realistic about myself. I know I can be a piece of work and I know that I am not everyone’s cup of tea.

I also feel like I’m at an age where I’m not as desperate as I used to be. For the most part I have made peace with what will be.

2017 Online Dating (The Struggle Continues)

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Hey blog readers,

As many of the faithful readers know, this is not my first rodeo when it comes to online dating. It can kind of be like a fun house at times where I am just running to get to the end.

I have a lot of friends who have found much success and happiness through online dating. So after hearing about some good news from a highly respected friend, I reached out to her and she suggested, you guessed it, online dating. So I decided to create new profiles. These profiles are okay and pretty light(in my opinion).

Immediately, guys wanted me to come over to their homes that night(which I politely declined). One guy politely asked for a date days in advance(which I agreed to). This afternoon I spoke to another friend who is online dating and she gave me some tips. It is okay to have standards and be honest about what you are looking for(since I am not looking for anything casual, I can’t put short term relationship on my profile).

So, this morning a guy messaged me and we had basically an introductory convo. Well, after a few back and forths, he mentioned that he was only looking for something casual because he had just gotten out of a long term relationship. I feel like this is the line that most guys who are online dating give to me, so I told him, that was what I was expecting(because I hear it so often) and that I was just looking to date. So, of course, I mention this to my friends online. Well, when I brought it up to my friend who is online dating, she said, no, not all men were looking for something casual. That in fact, some men are looking to settle down. She said that the only men who contact her, are those who are looking to settle down. So, while my friend clearly made me change my mind, the guy messaged me and mentioned some other “criteria” that he was in search of, which I did not fit, so alas, there was no match.

I can’t see women’s profiles but men’s profiles range from empty to unicorn status(meaning they are looking for someone who doesn’t exist or someone who isn’t single). The response time is interesting as well. Some will reply quickly, some take a bit of time, and others not at all(I guess that is the name of the game). So, my goal this time around, is to see just how long I can last(3 months, 6 months, 1 year?) because usually I bail after a week(or after Sgt. Pepper’s profile pops up). Now, years ago, I think the longest I had profiles up was 6 months or so(don’t quote me).

Now you might be asking, “But didn’t you denounce online dating?”, and the answer is “Why, yes, yes I did”. But here’s why I can’t completely let go of it(for now), I am not meeting people in every day life and no one is introducing me or setting me up with people in every day life. So, I really don’t have many options. Now am I open to meeting someone in every day life? Absolutely.

Life is just like a roller coaster and sometimes all we can do is hold on for the ride.

 

Headspace

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This weekend was wild. It was filled with adventure but at the end of the day, I was still left with me. I recently started back online dating. I’m doing a better job of filtering. It’s like a spidey sense of sorts.The first date was with a guy who looks just like one of my friends. The conversation flowed as much as it could in an overcrowded spot. He asked great questions. Nice guy. At the end, he said we should hang out again. Cool.

The next day, tons of guys are interacting with me and texting me. It’s a circus. Then the sky parts and in walks Mr. Darcy. I’m a huge Jane Austen fan. So we end up talking about books and Mr. Darcy hates Jane Austen! I’m shocked because he is literally Mr. Darcy.

Well, Mr. Darcy and I are too matched. Have you ever met someone who could check off all of the boxes? That’s Mr.Darcy. The problem is he knew it. So all of my insecurities just flooded to the surface. I think it happened after Mr. Darcy said I deserved respect. Well, I just lost it(on the inside). So I resigned myself to not being good enough for Mr. Darcy.

Now, you would say “What are you even talking about?”. Well, let me explain. Mr. Darcy is great(I am too on paper). But in reality, I am flawed, needy, and broken. I am so broken that even though I put on a very good face, at the end of the day, I am trash and all of my exes can probably vouch for that.

See, here’s what I do, I try to be and give another person all of the good that I can muster from any corner of myself, and they don’t want it because it is deeply flawed. Then, I realize oh yes, that’s why no one wants me and I am back to my default, rinse and repeat.

Then I woke up and had an existential crisis on the way to work. I cried all the way to work. Because it’s easier to do that instead of just seeing it for what it is and just saying hey, it’s just not the time. I realized that I can’t be mad at the men who catcall me on the street hundreds of times per day because they don’t know me, they just see a part of me and that’s it. I can’t be mad at the men who are online dating and message me just to hookup because they don’t know me and they just see a part of me that seems pleasing at the time and I do better when I just don’t respond. I can’t be mad at my exes because they realized that in fact, no I was not enough for them because they only saw a few parts of me that were enough and I didn’t have enough of anything else to hide my true self.

At the end of the day, I can only be mad at myself. Because I am everything that no one will ever want. I am too loud, too smart, too crass, too fat, too not quite pretty, too you just fill in the blank. I can always work on myself but there are parts of me that won’t ever change. What’s left is what I have to live with. Do I hate myself? Not quite, let’s say I love 90-95% of myself and wish I could get rid of 5-10%.

My friends picked me up and said I am enough. So I have to act like I am enough. And that is challenging. That’s why it is easier to be single because I can ignore the parts of me that I hate. I don’t have to compare myself to all of the other people who manage to find someone.

So, that’s what I’ve been up to.

Fin

 

 

 

2016When God Says No

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Hey blog readers. Hope you are doing well. I am actually doing pretty well(that’s an understatement) but I want to discuss a few things that are on my mind. Let’s just say that 98% of life is going well for me right now. It’s the other 2% that I am still processing.

So, I know that I talk a lot about mi vida loca particularly when it comes to guys and relationships. What I am about to say, just pile it on top of the loca hot mess pile called Gemma’s love life(aka no life). Let me tell you a story. It’s true. Names are being protected to spare the guilty. Okay, so here it goes. A long time ago(over a year ago), I met someone. Let’s call that someone Mr. Fire. Just go with it. Mr. Fire is nice, charming, handsome, and would potentially fit the list of good on paper. Mr. Fire asks me for my number, which I give to him. Mr. Fire calls me. Mr. Fire texts me. Mr. Fire emails me. Mr. Fire always checks for me. Mr. Fire takes me out to a bookstore where we have interesting conversation because that’s what you do with Mr. Fire. Let’s fast foward to a more recent time. A friend mentions, Oh, Mr. Fire is married. I’m like Oh, okay. That’s interesting because Mr. Fire has never 1)worn a wedding ring 2)spoke of a wife 3)mentioned being married and this is why Mr. Fire is Mr. Fire.

Let’s just say this is where God steps in. Because in recovery we talk about God doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves. Well, God showed up and out. It was finally revealed that yes indeed Mr. Fire is married(with kids) and that’s how you know God speaks through people. So, what did I do? I deleted Mr. Fire out of my phone and tried not to explode when everyone that I mentioned it to, put the onus on me and what I did or didn’t do. Because apparently, men can do no wrong, even when they are dead wrong and everything will always be my fault. For the record, I never did anything tawdry with Mr. Fire.

In another weird turn of events, an old acquaintance(like someone I know of) saw me and asked me about my ex(because people who remember us together only know how to ask me about him for some reason). Well, he said that my ex is back and closer than before. So I have been trying not to freak out(I’ve been praying about it) because my head is like “Yep, he wants to kill me”. People close to me have told me that maybe he has changed(which is possible). But I just don’t even want to see him.

I got Mandy Hale’s new book and she talks about not dating for a year(which is something that I keep telling God about or rather He keeps telling me that that is basically the situation). I’m not sad about it, I just wish that I could just be completely turned off(if that makes sense). Like, no crushes, no nothing.

Thanks for reading

 

2016 The Year Of Being Open To Life

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Hey blog readers and viewers. I hope you are having a great new year so far. I know I am. I told God and the universe that I wanted to be open and a lot of good things have come my way.
     I had two interesting job interviews this week. I hope to hear a good word soon. Classes started back in my doctoral program. I don’t think I have been more excited about a semester. Anxiety aside, things are looking up. People are showing interest in my research. I’m getting amazing feedback and that’s great fuel to keep writing.
     I renewed my gym membership so now I have to go. I’m going swimming tomorrow. I have been getting in some good workouts.
     I met someone. I know it’s early but it is so interesting. We are getting to know each other. We spend time talking. He seems to be into me. Which is surprising. I already laid down the law. He knows where I stand. So even though things feel great, I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think he is intrigued because I’m not looking to hookup. I’m also very honest.
     We are using SAS this semester and I had to get another laptop and amazingly found one for just my price and all I need. I’m calling it an early birthday/dissertation gift.
     I feel like I’m in a really good place at the moment and that’s great. One funny thing is that now that I found someone to be interested in, all of these other people that I was interested in before have all made a point to reach out to me. One day I was thinking about how many guys may still have my number in their phones. I know that’s an odd thought.
     But whatever happens, it’s nice to have someone to think fondly of and know that someone is thinking about me too.
Well I better try and get some sleep.
May your tomorrow bring even more joy than today 🙂