Tag Archives: Relationships

1000 Swipes

Standard

I meant to write this post months ago but as time went on the only thing I managed to do was think about it over and over. Today, I decided that I would take the time and write it. I know that I may seem like the queen of quitting online dating but I have to explain what took me over the edge.

Earlier in the year I was on a few different sites and decided to swipe left or right on 1000 profiles. Toward the end of that madness, someone got in touch with me and asked me out on a date. We had a few conversations and I agreed.

Our first date was great. I really enjoyed our conversation. My date asked me on a second date a few days later and I agreed. Our second date was quirky and fun and that led to my date asking for a third. Well, I was excited about the third date until he mentioned Netflix and Chill. I don’t do Netflix and Chill. My standard response is that I have my own Netflix. When I am pressed for more information, I explain that I had bad experiences in the past and as a result, prefer to get to know a person before I entertain Netflix and Chill. Most guys don’t actually want to hear that. My date was one of those guys. He actually got mad that I would not agree which made me get mad that he was pressing me. So, I stopped talking to him.

I took a break for a few months and then thought I would give it the old college try. What I found was actually worse than I had remembered. Guys were being really inappropriate in first messages and sending unsolicited pics over sites that weren’t Tinder and I was just over it.

So, I waved my white flag and surrendered to online dating failure. In that time I learned a few lessons. The first lesson I learned was to listen to my first mind because it does not steer me wrong. The second lesson I learned is that while many find love through online dating, that just won’t be my story. It doesn’t make me any less excited for them and it doesn’t make me any less of a hopeless romantic at heart. The third lesson I learned is that even though I have been online dating on and off for over ten years, I should have waved my white flag a long time ago. All of those starts and stops were just me trying to deny the truth of my experience and I wasted a lot of time in the process.

The only downside to not online dating is that I am not meeting more people(which was my goal from the beginning) and unfortunately I am back at square one but I have to believe that is for a reason. As much as I want some things to be different, things aren’t different for reasons that have nothing to do with me.

Cheers to the dating journey.

Advertisements

When Social Policy Isn’t A Turn On

Standard

Last night I had a date(why yes it was with someone I met online). My date had asked if I wanted to meet for drinks or dinner and I suggested we meet up for drinks and then take it from there(less pressure). I was excited, we were both looking forward to meeting.

So when I finally meet up(after my Uber driver did not know where to go and I had to walk to the place), I find my date at a table. The restaurant is really nice. I sit down and check out the menu. We exchange pleasantries and then my date spends the rest of our time together talking. Not talking about just anything but talking about social policy.

Now don’t get me wrong, I do love a good social policy discussion but only when it involves how to improve or change existing social policy. My date had some rather interesting(but not surprising) views about social policy. But he didn’t really frame the conversation in a way that would have provided for back and forth banter it was more like insight into just how little people actually think about social policy(even though they are often the ones to implement it).

For instance, my date said that one reason for the ills of the Black community was due to their love of fried chicken(narrator: indeed it is not). So I flipped it back on him and asked him how he would like it if we told his community that we would take away their cultural food ways (narrator: indeed he did not). So let’s just say I drank a lot of water and listened. Until I could not listen any more.

Needless to say, online dating is hard. Dating is hard. But it is what one has to do in order to make an effort to find love.

The date also gave me insight into why a lot of social policy indeed doesn’t work, because those who have the ability to change and improve existing policy seek to change the cultures of the communities that are in need to help instead of actually working to eliminate the real issues that negatively impact these communities aka systemic and institutional racism.

My date also gave me insight into how men set up their online dating profiles. It turns out the reason why many of them choose not to put effort into their profiles is due to the belief that people only care about their pics and that no one indeed reads profiles.

I asked my date if he was indeed looking to date and he mentioned that he was but he also brought up how he approaches it as a kind of networking of sorts. I don;t know what to think about that because on the one hand, it is important to meet different people to find out who you would be a good match with but on the other hand, I don’t want to approach a date with an agenda either. I don’t know, maybe I am a tad basic in that regard.

What is funny about that is most of my interactions with men on online dating sites involves them asking me if I have actually read their profiles(because in weird passive aggressive language written in odd font, they actually tell me what their kinks are and shame on me for not reading the multiple paragraph intros that they curate). This is then followed by me wishing them well. Listen, I have no problem with kinks(they are your business) but if I am not on an explicit kink site, I believe that should be a discussion had in person and/or behind closed doors). Don’t get me wrong, I am a fan of stimulating conversation but stimulating just might be in the eye(or ear) of the beholder.

So here I am attempting to see how long I will be able to swim in the online dating waters this go round. I want to be able to say that I gave it a shot but each attempt seems to end up with the round about same result.

We shall see what is to become of these online dating adventures.

 

 

 

 

 

Anatomy Of A Bad Date/Waving The White Flag

Standard

     I went on a date last night. I had planned to write this post last night, but my mind was spinning and I was too tired. I planned on writing it earlier today but my mind was still spinning and I did a bunch of nothing to avoid writing it. Then something happened when I was just breathing and enjoying a moment, so I had to write this. 

     So, you all know that I had recently started online dating again(yes, I have stopped again I think for good this time). The person that I was going to give another shot to, lets just say his inaction renders him invisible and I am going to act like I am busy if for some reason he does manage to appear this weekend. But this post is not about him. Shocker I know. 

     Ok, here we go. I just took my day vitamins to postpone writing a sentence. Ugh So yesterday morning a guy that I had exchanged numbers with online texted me. No big deal. He mentioned that he had closed his profile after some crazy messages. I replied that was ok because I had deleted mine as well. He said that he wanted to meet me and we should do Starbucks. I agreed. This time I picked a different Starbucks. I was really excited and I thought the universe was saying, see you too can find good dates after you delete your online dating profile. I bought a couple of cute tops. 

     I get to the Starbucks and find a spot to sit down. The guy is across from me standing(like he was about to text me). First major red flag: he didn’t look anything like his profile picture. He approaches me and you know how someone goes in to kiss your cheek? He went in a smelled me. Weird.

     We got in line and when it came time to order the barista asked if the drinks were together and he said they were separate. Red flag number two: Guys should always pay on dates especially if they ask the girl out. As soon as I pulled out my wallet, he told the barista they were together. I thanked him. 

     We walked and talked. Then he asked if I wanted to go and sit down. I agreed. He asked me if I wanted to go to the movies. I said sure. He gave me a hi-five. He mentioned that we had some time before the movie and asked me if I wanted to go somewhere to hang out. I agreed. We went to a public park(it was still daylight out). 

     On the way to the park the guy mentioned that he wasn’t looking for anything serious. I said ok and made a mental note. We briefly chatted about other dates we went on.He had mentioned that there were times where women threw themselves at him on dates.  We went to the park and for some reason the conversation turned to drinking. He asked me if it was harder for me to date sober or when I was drinking. I had mentioned that I no longer drink. I said it was way easier because I had my checklist and I could analyze things quicker. 

     We went to the movies. We sat down and I just went to town on the popcorn. The theater was freezing and since I am naturally cold blooded, I was basically a shivering ice block. He started whispering to me. He asked me something about the kind of shoes I liked(I was wearing flats). I mentioned that I liked all kinds of shoes and asked him if he was into that. He didn’t really answer. Well, at some point he held my hand(which was frozen and stayed super cold). I did not hold his hand back. So finally he let my hand go. I was really into the movie(Spiderman 2). 

     When the movie was over, as I got up to leave, he attempted to put his hand on the small of my back. I moved. When we left the theater, he mentioned that his place was much warmer and invited me over. I said no thank you. So he drove me home. I thanked him for the evening.

     Instead of dropping me off at home, he drove past my place. I already knew the deal. He then proceeded to ask me on a scale of one to ten how attracted I was to him. Super awkward. I bust out in nervous laughter and said that I had never been asked that before and that I would not answer the question. He said that I could be honest. I said that I would not want to ask someone that and I would not want the answer.

     Then I opened the car door. Red flag number fifty-eleven: when someone tries to keep you in their car by locking the doors with the electric lock. He said hey, close the door I want to talk to you. I kept the door open and said we really didn’t have anything else to talk about. He asked me if he was going to call me or if I was going to call him. I told him that I would text him today(which I didn’t). 

     He called me today. He again asked me the scaling question and I did not answer. He then proceeded to tell me that being physical and intimate was very important to him. He said that I did not tell him how I felt yesterday. I told him that yesterday he had pretty much made that clear and that I wasn’t having sex until I was married. I told him that I was on the other end of the spectrum from him.

     He was shocked. He said but I had had sex before. I said yes and that I chose not to again until I was married. I said that I had decided that after I had been married. He was shocked to find out that I had been married before. He mentioned that it sounded like we were not on the same page and I agreed.Then the other bad date guy texted me to ask me out for another date and I said that we didn’t have to. He wished me good luck and I wished the same for him. 

     The reason why I am raising the white flag and basically why I have thrown in the towel is because my time and energy is not worth being wasted on more bad dates. I value myself and my standards and I can wait for someone to want to get to know me and who can respect that. Sure I wanted things to work out with my ex(which you may be tired of hearing about) but I came to the realization that nothing was going to change because he didn’t want anything to change. The only thing he wanted to change was the opportunity to have sex before he shipped off. Nope, not from me. 

     I know it may sound weird that I am so conservative in my beliefs but I have seen it happen and work out for other people. I can’t think that I am the exception. I have to think that I am the rule. Just because someone doesn’t want to respect me by waiting doesn’t mean that I am a bad person, it just means that they are selfish. 

     Just a side note about intuition which I like to call spidey sense, listen to it, use it. It is much easier for me to listen to it being that I am sober. That is one reason why I know that I will be okay even if I continue to stay single. It just means God has a different plan for my life. 

So here’s to healthy relationships and a healthy life. I went for a nice run after that horrible conversation and had a personal dance party. I even gave myself a mani and pedi for graduation this weekend. Now that is something to look forward to. I was so excited because I turned in my last assignment of the semester. I am so excited for the summer to start. Everything is lining up nicely. All I have to do now is prepare for the move, move, and find a job. Thankful that God is a big God and he knows the plans He has for us. 

Thank you again for checking out my little spot in the Internet. I am humbled by everyone who checks it out(even though you may not be led to leave a comment). Also thanks for praying for me and if you aren’t, you can always start 🙂

Shalom

Namaste

     

    

Forgiveness

Standard

     The Bible speaks to us over and over about forgiveness. It also gives us numerous examples of forgiveness in action.When we open our hearts to forgive,  the more grace is given to us.
     Not only am I called to forgive others, but I also have to forgive myself. As much as I like to think I am, I’m not perfect.  Sometimes I jump the gun and when I think I’m right, I hold onto my rightness with a tight grip. It doesn’t take much to forgive, just a little bit of taking down pride and ego.
     Yesterday someone that I had started to care about did just that. I had tried a few times to let him know my plans and that I usually don’t give people second chances. He apologized to me. He told me that he admires how I stick to my guns.  Now I know it took a lot. He told me how he felt and he can’t wait to see me again.  I’m excited to see him too. So we shall see how God continues to lead.
     Today I am attending a women’s conference at church.  I always love gathering to grow in the word. It looks like it is going to be a jam packed day filled with fun and faith.
       I hope that you have a blessed day!
Shalom
Namaste

Recovery Day 16/Reflection Of Drama

Standard

Nov 30, 2010

So, today all of the arguing came to a head. I believe things are over between the two but I don’t know. It’s sad but I would say its for the best. It made me think about the drama I had this summer with my ex. This is another reason why it is so important to get to know a person before you move in together. There were a lot of verbal low blows struck today and my friend felt them all. Sometimes people say hurtful things because they want you to hurt like they hurt but what happens after? 
I still(I wish I could underscore that) think about my ex. My go to moments are the fleeting good moments. It is only after I start reminising, that all the bad comes up. Now when I met him, there was no sign on his forehead that said “immature ahole”. 
When we were together, I felt like it was total bliss. Until the day he told me that he felt like slapping the poo out of me. That was the day that all of my feelings for him drained out of my system. He knew that I had experienced abuse before, but in that moment, he was upset and frustrated. Everytime I would bring something to his attention, he would say sorry, and then do it again. And everytime he would tell me I love you, I couldn’t believe it because I felt like if you loved someone you would not say or doing things over and over to hurt them. But the question is why would those feelings pop back up? Is that the brain playing a trick? 
The big lesson that I learned is that users will only suck you dry and no matter how much you may care for them, it never truly matters unless you are doing what they want. 
No one should have to live like that. My ex never put his hands on me in anger but the words were enough. So, when I would have a weak moment, he would listen and then come back with reality like “Oh, I am tired of the emotional roller coaster with you” and my favorite which I can’t even say is the truth because I feel like he said it to hurt me “I slept with someone else”. 
How long has it been you ask? Oh four months if you don’t count the moment we were going to get back together which was ruined because I could not afford to give him gas money. So what does that tell you, oh yeah he never really cared about me, it was just about what he could get. 
Just in case you wondered, yes I go to therapy 🙂 I just feel like some happy pills would do me wonders but the fact that I have no medical insurance hinders that idea. 
I know you are thinking, Hey you seem like a smart person, why don’t you just get over it? Well, I am trying 🙂 I just take things moment by moment. Some moments are better than others 🙂 
So lets all breathe deeply woo-sah 🙂 
Here’s to life and making good choices along the way 🙂 
As for the rest of my day, I have to tutor and go to work. I will be going to yet another job fair tomorrow(fingers and toes crossed). 

The Journey Lent Day 33

Standard

Healing power of Jesus Christ,
fall afresh on me,
Healing power of Jesus Christ,
fall afresh on me.
Touch me, stir me, unfold me, love me.
Healing power of Jesus Christ,
fall afresh on me.
(Howard Booth)

     We are all on this journey called life together. I think it is just easier going through the roller coasters with God. There will be many people joining us at different parts of the journey. Some stay longer than others. As long as we continue to grow on the journey, we should be on the right path. 

     At three fifty one this morning a guy drunk dialed me. It was cool since I am sober. He asked me what I was up to and I said sleeping. He then told me all of the different drinks and shots that he had(not sure if he was just saying that to be cool). He asked me what I was up to(again) and if I wanted to go to the movies later. I mentioned that I had church and that I would be busy. I said maybe some other time. I have had quite a few people make plans with me and then see those plans fall through so I try not to make plans with people(especially at weird times of night). He said that he was almost home and I said goodnight. 

     That small conversation made me think about all of the times I drunk dialed and drunk texted people. I am so glad that those days are over. It also made me wonder why he called me since we haven’t talked in months. Oh well, nothing to worry about. 

     I talked to a close friend about dating/single life and she rationalized why it was okay to date a married man. I told her that God wants more for her and loves her enough for her to be with a single guy. Then I realized dating and mating is so hard for singles. Sometimes it does feel like your only options are taken guys. I talked with other friends about the conversation and they said to pray about it. It was also mentioned that we all sin. Which is totally true. While my sin preference may not be a married man(no matter how fine he might be), my sin is ice cream/cupcakes/sugar. That’s only one of my downfalls. 

     It is only with God’s grace and mercy that I can even begin to really work on my issues. So I am going to spend more time focusing on God’s promises and praying for my friends and family. We all have struggles, but the only person to give us true relief is God. It is in our hardest times that we have to lean closest on God. I am also working on turning around my worry. I make worry into an olympic sport and have no problem taking on other people’s worry just to add to my mountain. 

     I went for a nice run and made a dent in the laundry situation. I am reading a really good book called Sex and the single christian girl. Right now I am in the chapters focusing on spiritual warfare. I am learning a lot and hopefully I can continue to put it into practice. 

Namaste

Father Forgive Us Lent Day 26

Standard

Dear LordPlease remove all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking from my heart. Remove these damaging habits and replace them with your unconditional love. Make me to see as you see. Help me to be kind, patient, tenderhearted and forgiving to all, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven me, the chief of sinners. Amen.

The beauty of God’s forgiveness is He offers it over and over again. It is so amazing and something I have to utilize moment by moment in my life. Where would I be without forgiveness. I don’t think I want to know.

I see that my post boyfriend privileges vs husband privileges is extremely popular. I think I have to edit it to update the fact that I am still single. Oh the single life. Such an interesting part of life. Yesterday I had the awesome opportunity to attend the wedding festivities of two of my really good friends.

I met a really nice couple and their kids. They told me about their love story. They were surprised to find that I was single. They told me to keep praying about it and give it to God. I let them know that I was. As I was walking around a cute guy struck up a conversation with me. Well, we ended up talking for awhile so people thought we were together and we took some pictures together. I did my best to stay calm. Since we all know how I can be. It seemed like we had a lot of things in common.

Well, we ended up playing basketball(I haven’t played since I was eight). It was a lot of fun. We started mingling with other people and a drunk guy got inappropriate with me. I was pretty shocked and when I mentioned to the guy what happened, he was surprised. I still managed to have fun. We left the event and went to my friend’s guest house to hang out(and sleep). The guy let me borrow his jacket(which was super warm). So of course I get lost. I get so lost that I lose cell coverage. So, it was just me and the deer along with the wide open road.

So I get to where I am supposed to be and we all have a blast. Then I realize that another drunk guy is flirting with me(he was definitely drunk). So I just continued to nod and say thanks. Not really encouraging the guy, hoping that he would get the hint. So the guy(I told him he was like the holy grail of guys) so let’s just call him HG guy. Well, we continued to talk and interact with people. He said that he had noticed the drunk guy.

I told HG guy to get his jacket in the morning. Well, morning rolls around and he had left without getting his jacket from me. When I got home, I told a friend about what happened. I asked her why guys would act like they were interested in a person, but literally act that same way toward a ton of people. I did a really good job of just listening and not spilling my whole life story like I usually do. She said that I needed to remember that a whole person isn’t looking for a half of a person. Whole people don’t go from place looking to be fulfilled. People who are fragmented can’t find wholeness in another person(but they don’t know that).

So I have to forgive holy grail guy and myself. I have to pray for him and all singles. One of the men mentioned how dating is in Africa and how the responsibility is on the men not the women. Then today I saw a conference on tv that mentioned that the men are to lead and women aren’t to be aggressive or pursuing. So I took that as a huge confirmation.

It truly hit me that guys do know what they are doing and not doing. If a guy is not pursuing you, its because he isn’t interested. So no matter how cool I may think holy grail guy is, he didn’t think I was cool enough to get to know. So I admire him for talking about his singleness and I hope and pray that I can be more content in my singleness to where it doesn’t affect me so much. I want my singleness to be purposeful too.

But I feel like I get points because I didn’t ask Holy grail guy out. I didn’t do anything with the drunk guys and I did my best to ignore the taken guys. Yep, its definitely one day at a time but I think I am making baby steps in the right direction every day. If I have to spend the next three or so years single so that I can do what I am supposed to do, so be it. Of course it would be easier if I didn’t have desires. It is so funny how I am so quick to be open to new possibilities with people who aren’t even thinking about me being in their frame of view. I listened to some great Christian music on the trip and it was really life affirming.

So prayer and more prayer is in order.

Namaste