Category Archives: Life

2017 Online Dating (The Struggle Continues)

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Hey blog readers,

As many of the faithful readers know, this is not my first rodeo when it comes to online dating. It can kind of be like a fun house at times where I am just running to get to the end.

I have a lot of friends who have found much success and happiness through online dating. So after hearing about some good news from a highly respected friend, I reached out to her and she suggested, you guessed it, online dating. So I decided to create new profiles. These profiles are okay and pretty light(in my opinion).

Immediately, guys wanted me to come over to their homes that night(which I politely declined). One guy politely asked for a date days in advance(which I agreed to). This afternoon I spoke to another friend who is online dating and she gave me some tips. It is okay to have standards and be honest about what you are looking for(since I am not looking for anything casual, I can’t put short term relationship on my profile).

So, this morning a guy messaged me and we had basically an introductory convo. Well, after a few back and forths, he mentioned that he was only looking for something casual because he had just gotten out of a long term relationship. I feel like this is the line that most guys who are online dating give to me, so I told him, that was what I was expecting(because I hear it so often) and that I was just looking to date. So, of course, I mention this to my friends online. Well, when I brought it up to my friend who is online dating, she said, no, not all men were looking for something casual. That in fact, some men are looking to settle down. She said that the only men who contact her, are those who are looking to settle down. So, while my friend clearly made me change my mind, the guy messaged me and mentioned some other “criteria” that he was in search of, which I did not fit, so alas, there was no match.

I can’t see women’s profiles but men’s profiles range from empty to unicorn status(meaning they are looking for someone who doesn’t exist or someone who isn’t single). The response time is interesting as well. Some will reply quickly, some take a bit of time, and others not at all(I guess that is the name of the game). So, my goal this time around, is to see just how long I can last(3 months, 6 months, 1 year?) because usually I bail after a week(or after Sgt. Pepper’s profile pops up). Now, years ago, I think the longest I had profiles up was 6 months or so(don’t quote me).

Now you might be asking, “But didn’t you denounce online dating?”, and the answer is “Why, yes, yes I did”. But here’s why I can’t completely let go of it(for now), I am not meeting people in every day life and no one is introducing me or setting me up with people in every day life. So, I really don’t have many options. Now am I open to meeting someone in every day life? Absolutely.

Life is just like a roller coaster and sometimes all we can do is hold on for the ride.

 

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2017 The Road To Dissertation Defense

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Hey blog readers,

I just realized that I had not provided any dissertation updates. In April of 2017, I successfully defended my research proposal. Since then, I have been writing and editing in order to craft my dissertation into something substantial. First and foremost, it has to be readable. That means, I have to make all of my thoughts make sense.

While I am attempting to do that, life continues to happen. Nothing too spectacular, just the normal busyness of life with some added anxiety of the job market. I am applying to a number of places. I re-dyed my hair so that it would be one color(well, let’s just say my hair laughed a lot). Overall, it sort of is the same shade.

I am also training for a marathon with a friend long-distance(this will be her first marathon) and I hope to be healthy enough to cross the finish line. This past year(along with recovering from the car accident), I have been dealing with a lot of calf tightness. It has forced me to walk a lot and do other exercises. At this point, it manages to alert me during part of the first mile and then diminishes. It is so annoying.

 

Acceptance By Any Means

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I am really good at a lot of things. But acceptance really isn’t one of them. In recovery we say “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”. What if serenity is elusive?

It has been two years since one of my oldest friendships ended(and it feels like ten years) and all I can think and feel is the core of me is garbage. My friend accepted all of me, even my core of garbage until she couldn’t anymore. Today I wonder how long she suffered under my garbage. I reached out to some friends for sage advice. I mentioned my mistakes and how I have tried to reach out over the past two years and you know what they said? They said that I have to stop. I have to let her go. I have to let her be in her serenity. And while I don’t have a deep grasp on serenity, I have to give that to her. The thing is, I can give that to her. I can give that to her and accept my garbage. Because at the end of the day, it’s just my garbage.

Who cares what I miss. I should have thought of that at the time, what I would miss, what I would lose, what I would not become but I couldn’t see it because I was blinded by my own garbage. I am a trash person and my core will be trash. The garbage is not to be celebrated, but it is to be learned from. So going forward, I have to continue to learn from my mistakes big and small. I also have to show more gratitude for those who choose to be in my life garbage and all. I am very thankful for them and I probably wouldn’t be able to even look half way decent if it weren’t for the great people that are in my life in these moments. Yes, you win some and you lose some. I definitely lost. That’s also the story of my life, I have lost a lot. But being a loser doesn’t give me the right to treat anyone badly. So I attempt to walk forward not adding harm to others. Some days are quite easier than others.

Let us walk toward serenity by any means.

Equality In The Church

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*This blog post was submitted to The Junia Project for a blog contest. You can find out more about the Junia Project at http://www.juniaproject.com

Women’s Equality in the Church aka There would be no church without strong women

Countless women are named in the Bible and esteemed by God and Jesus in both the Old and New Testaments. Growing up in very conservative congregations, I could only read about these strong women because women were given minor roles in the living church.

While girls in the church weren’t always explicitly told what our roles were to be, they were mostly unspoken. It was just assumed that we would be in relationships where the man was the head and women ultimately did not have much say. We were told to dress chaste as to not tempt men in the church but men were not told to be respectful of girls and women as to not enter into temptation.

The first missionary I ever met was a girl who spoke about her mission to Japan. I don’t remember what the missionary shared but at that time, I knew that I wanted to be a missionary no matter what. No one asked me when I was young what my plans were but I was ready with an answer if ever I should be called upon.

From a very young age, I assisted and took care of children, from babysitting, to nursery, to teaching Sunday School, AWANA ministry, you name it, if it involved children, I was there helping out. This service to the church extended to my late twenties.

When I transferred to college to finish my Bachelors degree in Christian Ministry, I was just sure that I would end up doing some sort of ministry somewhere. I assisted informally with my church’s youth ministry and when a more formal position became open I found myself not selected in favor of someone who had a better look (but not theological studies or even youth ministry experience). In that moment, I was so devastated that I knew I was having a mild heart attack (it was one of those votes that came before the whole church). That became a defining moment for me not just as a woman but as a Black woman. Many women in the Black church are able to hold the position of minister but are often not tasked with major ministerial duties. I knew that it would be more like Children’s Ministry although I applied for Youth Ministry positions as well. As I applied for ministry positions, I ended up getting one interview at a local congregation for Youth Ministry. Well, I did not get the job. In fact, I think I was just interviewed for the position because there weren’t many applicants. At that moment in time, I knew that there would never be a place for me in ministry and I stopped trying. I completely gave it up. Here I was with a newly minted degree and nothing to show for it (the true story of my life). I later segued into education and faced other hurdles and barriers which would be a whole other blog post.

As long as I have been a member of a church, women have been regulated to supporting roles (until I met women Presbyterian ministers). It took women ministers to reaffirm to me that truly God calls all of us and not only that has given us all gifts that can benefit all who need them. In contemporary churches, women preachers are some sort of enigma who has massive followings and money to basically do what they want (as long as they don’t go too far ala anyone who has a strong opinion that goes against accepted church teachings).

Continuing to relegate women to second class roles not only in the church but in society perpetuates a standard of living that is not only un-Biblical(if we are truly living out Christ’s teachings) but also weak. Because without the inclusion of strong women in positions of leadership not only in the church but also in society, we continue to set a disastrous example for future generations that will not have as strong of an impact on the world than an egalitarian position would. When I read the Bible, I see men and women as equal because that is what God teaches. Equality in the church is not something that we can continue to wish for and hope for some time in the future, it is a standard that we have to uphold now in order to move forward in a direction that will be empowering for both men and women.

Perpetuating inequality in the church is a true bastardization of God’s word and anyone who continues this practice will have to ultimately answer to God for it. This does not mean that these views should be allowed to have such a loud and smothering voice in the church, but rather, the views for equality and justice have to speak even louder, even when it hurts.

 

I Miss My Friend

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So a lot is going on with me but for whatever reason I miss my old friend. It has been over a year since we’ve spoke. I’ve tried to reach out. I’ve prayed about it, and I’ve looked at my part.
I’m still happy for my friend, I guess it’s just not the same sharing those things with her.
I just feel out of sorts and of course it’s out of my control.

So take it from me, if you have a friend that you value, let them know. Treat them well. Respect their differences.
Otherwise, you will be left wondering where twenty years went and basically feeling horrible because you lost one of the few people who truly knew you over something stupid.
At this point, I can’t even blame my old friend for not wanting to be friends with me because I’m not a great person.
So in a nutshell, I really hate myself and this is probably just karma.

2016 What About Your Friends?

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I was wrong. A few things had happened and I took them to be something different then what they were. So I proceeded to talk about a friend behind their back. I did this instead of talking to my friend about it. Well, of course what I said went back to my friend and they were hurt. I figured as such and I reached out to apologize. I felt bad. I was wrong for what I did.
So my friend told me how much I hurt them. I was devastated about what happened. So my friend said I needed to make a public apology and guess what? I did. My friend means more to me than the people that I was talking to and even if our friendship is never the same, atleast they know where my heart is. I also know that I have to reevaluate my friendships. Maybe the truth is that I consider everyone to be my friend but in reality I don’t have any. Don’t let my Twitter or Facebook followers fool you. I probably have more associates than anything. At this point in my life even though it makes me sad, I have to be okay with that and I will. So many people underestimate me and cannot begin to understand the pain that I have felt in my life. And again that is okay. People may have to be hard pressed when I go mute because I’m really really good at it.
At the end of the day you have to ask yourself what and who matter. There is no point in letting people get me down just because it is easy. But oh it is so easy. So I’m going to go through the motions just to get through because that is important to me. Maybe it is much less important that my voice be heard because in a vaccum of white noise everything cancels out anyway. I’m very disappointed in myself for believing that things were different. I only had a few friends growing up and I don’t even have them now.
So here’s to me learning a lesson in being quiet.
Peace

2016 When Everything Turns Up Roses

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Hey y’all. I hope this finds you well. If not, I hope you feel a little better after reading. Why? Because you deserve to feel great. I know it sounds cheesy, but once you start telling yourself what you deserve, you start feeling better. Now this may get a little bumpy as I tend to go all over the place(just like my writing, and another reason why revision is a great thing, not something to fear or hate).

First things first, this semester is going awesome. Like I totally turned things around in Stats(and each class session is even more awesome). For instance, last week we began a conversation about multilevel modeling and I am telling you it was like poetry. Pure mathematical poetry. Every day I realize that I love math(a lot).

Second, I got an awesome job. Like it is so awesome that I still can’t believe it. I just can’t believe that I have this opportunity. The people that I work with are great. I get to work on real world projects. I am in a good space.

Third, every single conference that I submitted to, I was accepted. I still can’t believe that people want to hear about my work and what I have to say. So, a lot of people are proud of me and I have been given permission to be proud of myself. I am. I am.

Fourth, everything is working out wonderfully, so for the first time in a long, long time, I have no drama. Yep, you read that right, no major drama in my life(or the dancery quoting MJBlige). What does this mean? It means that I have a lot of time to make up my own internal drama(filled with over thinking and wondering where Prince Charming is). But I have an amazing support group who nudges me and jostles me out of the drama cloud and I am on my merry way again.

So, I plan on doing a better job of writing on here. So, be ready for a bunch of stuff because I have a lot to talk about(or be ready for a little bit of stuff because I might get busy lol). Who knows, let’s just be optimistic and hope for the best.

I am hoping for the best in all things. Even though I am turning that big scary 3-5 in a few months, I am going to be optimistic. Even though it seems as if Prince Charming lost all of my contact info, I am going to be optimistic. Even though there are a million things that I cannot change, I am going to be optimistic. Because really at the end of the day, I have no other choice.

Peace, love, and light y’all 🙂