Tag Archives: blog

Grace

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“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.” Ephesians 2:8
     I had a conversation with a friend last night about my blog and how I was trying to think of things to write about. She mentioned grace. I thought it was a good idea but I was too tired to write about it.
     So here I am. When I think of grace, I usually think of God’s grace for us. I see God’s grace as all consuming and covering a multitude of my shortcomings. I don’t have to ask God for grace,  He freely gives it. Even though I do my best to ask for it.
     My grace for others is kind of like a big vat. I do my best to offer it to others when needed and other times I withhold it just because a person didn’t ask for it. I’m human. I can recognize that.
     My grace for myself ebbs and flows like waves. On good days it rushes in like high tide and on not so good days it is hidden like water in the desert.  The more grace that I am able to show to myself and others, the more open I am to joy. Not just joy but all of the other things in life that money can’t buy. Like peace and serenity. If these are the things that I want to have more of, I have to be open to them. I have to stay open to them.
Shalom
Namaste

100 in 180

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This post is inspired by Jo, My Gosh! Here are 100 things that I hope to accomplish in the next 180 days.

1. Get/start a summer job

2. Finish internship

3. Start and finish summer courses

4. Start Ph.d program

5. Take NCE/Pass NCE

6. Work on internship hours

7. Run

8. More pushups

9. More squats

10. More situps

11. Move

12. Get a counseling job

13.Start apt. fund/get a place

14. Start a car fund

15. Write letters to friends

16. Send care packages to friends

17. Spend time with friends

18. Register for RocknRoll half marathon

19. Run RocknRoll half marathon

20. More yoga

21. More pilates

22. Swim

23. Save

24. Blog more

25. Work on book

26. Play flute for fun

27. Help others

28. Give to charity

29. Go to the dentist

30. Drink more water

31. Tithe regularly

32. Be kinder to others

33. Laugh harder

34. Enjoy the small moments

35. Pray harder

36. Breathe longer

37. Meditate longer

38. Complete a Bible plan

39. Knit

40. Recycle

41. Read more books

42. Check out movies

43. Read my ebook collection

44. Volunteer

45. Try out new recipes

46. Go to a football game

47. Go on a hike

48. Bake new recipes

49. Write more poems

50. Finish vision book

51. Try kickboxing

52. Try Crossfit

53. Make SP something

54. Write/email SP every day

55. Send SP a care package once a month

56. Make SP a welcome home sign

57. Be at the airport when SP gets home

58. Read Game of Thrones

59. Read The Hunger Games

60. Journal

61. Do a devotional every day

62. Get organized

63. Create a meal plan

64. Follow meal plan

65. Encourage others

66. Use planner more effectively

67. Create new playlists

68. Go to the symphony

69. Go to the opera

70. Check out a play

71. Get to goal weight

72. Do a 5k/10k

73. Finish Spirit Junkie

74. Go to the museum

75. Go to a lake

76. Brush up on Spanish

77. Brush up on French

78. Learn a new language

79. Make one smoothie a day

80. Do a juice cleanse

81. Take ballet

82. Play tennis

83. Go golfing

84. Finish book

85. Get book edited

86. Get book published?

87. Take a painting class

88. Learn to quilt

89. Dream big

90. Start vacation fund

91. Start emergency fund

92. Paint nails and toes a new color

93. Get a massage

94. Go on a retreat

95. Pay down bills

96. Take a cooking class

97. Go to a festival

98. Go to a soccer game

99. Go to a hockey game

100. Vote

On Cloud Nine

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“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God om Christ Jesus for you” 1 Thess 5:16-18

     Today was a really awesome day. I wonder if it was because I went for a run. Church was great. Not sure why but people kept saying they could really hear us play today. A compliment is a compliment. The sermon was great. I will blog about it tomorrow(because I am so tired). A lot of people told me that I looked nice today(which is always nice to hear). 

     I am in such a good mood because I was able to hear from SP. He was able to email me and call me. It was so funny talking to him in the middle of the grocery store. It was a good thing I had items in my basket because I totally would have just left the store without getting what I needed. It felt great to hear his voice. I did my best to listen. It felt like time had just stood still and nothing else mattered in that moment. I couldn’t stop smiling. So I plan on keeping these memories on my mind so that they last for awhile. 

     So if you see me and I have a big goofy grin on my face or I just don’t seem to be there, this is the reason why. Well, I hope you all have a nice evening. I look forward to what tomorrow has in store. 

Shalom

Namaste

     

     

A Nice Day

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     Today the weather was just perfect. I managed to get in gear and go for a nice long run. The only annoying thing was a few creepers who I did my best to ignore. I think one of the reasons why I enjoy running is because when I decide to go for a walk, my calves hurt. But when I run, I don’t feel anything. 

     Today was the church picnic and I ate too many cakes(who can pass up homemade bread pudding?). I was so wiped out, I could have went to sleep right there at the table. The breeze was so nice. It just called for a nap(which I did not take). 

     I am taking it easy watching The Notebook and hearing things I had not heard the first fifty or so times I managed to watch it. The lines in this movie are classic and emotional. I had forgotten about the part where her Mom gives her the letters. 

     Well, its off to finish this movie and then dreamland. 

Shalom

Namaste

Bundle Of Emotions

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“Most assuredly, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in my name He will give you. Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.” John 16:23-24

     Today seemed to fly by. I had a really good day just going about the usual. Then on the way home, my eyes started to water. My eyes didn’t stop watering until I ate some food. The waiter must have noticed runny mascara all over my face and asked me how I was doing. I said fine, that it was just the weather. When I cry for some random reason, I always say to myself “There’s no crying in baseball” like Tom Hanks does in A League of Their Own. 

     I feel like I have to be tough and strong. Am I really missing SP that much already? Its only day 2. Well, apparently I am. I found some really nice paper to send his letters with(not girly). I am still trying to think of the various things I can do for the 180 in 180 project. I know that I have a lot of things to do but it will be interesting to see it all written down. 

     I thought I would have the energy to watch a few movies but I am so tired, I don’t know how far I will make it through The Notebook. I know its sap city but I love it and that’s that. Well, I am off to write a few letters. Hope you all have a great night.

Shalom

Namaste

Where Did The Day Go?

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Acts 7:55-60

Psalm 31:1-5,15-16

1 Peter 2:2-10

John 14:1-14

     In today’s scripture reading, I read about Stephen’s experience and his stoning. I haven’t read this scripture in a long time. What an amazing vision, to look into Heaven and see Jesus on the throne. It immediately made me wonder if the reason why we medicate people with certain diagnoses has something to do with the reaction that the people had to what Stephen revealed. The Scripture also spoke about how Jesus will never leave us and thus we have nothing to fear. Knowing it and putting it into action is what helps build our faith. 

     SP deployed this morning. I am really happy and excited for him. I’ve been thinking of all of the things I will need to do between now and then. I applied for some jobs. I updated my resume and cover letter. I’m thinking of different things to help with the process. Also ideas of things for us to talk about. I’ve been praying. 

     I caught up with a great friend and got to see her new church(it looks so cool). I am so excited for the ways that God is blessing my friends. I know that I am blessed as well, I just think some of my blessings are coming in small doses. Even though I know that I have nothing to fear, I still feel fear knocking at the door. 

     I have so many things that I want to blog about but not enough hours in the day. I ended the semester with all A’s and it made me wonder if our professors were just giving out A’s like Halloween candy. I mean I know that I worked hard but Internship(the course) was kind of tough. 

     I decided to detangle my hair and watch some movies. The hours just flew by and I still have to watch the movies. That’s what the Internet does, it just takes the day away. I hope this makes some sense. If not, hopefully my next blog post will. I haven’t been feeling too good so I haven’t worked out that much. Hopefully that turns around this weekend. I am going to write SP an email and a letter(he is really looking forward to snail mail). 

     Thank you for all of your encouragement and support. Prayer and more prayer is always needed. 

Shalom

Namaste

     

Reflections On Mother’s Day

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     Since my Mother is gone from this Earth, I spend Mother’s Day celebrating all of the mothers that I know. If I had a dollar for every time someone said Happy Mother’s Day to me, I would have a nice sum of money in the bank. When I think about my mother, I think about all kinds of memories(good, bad, happy, sad). Its just a bundle of emotions. 

     The thing about losing a mother is that it hurts no matter how bad the relationship was with your mother. The worst times spring up and cause pain, guilt, and shame. So I am just taking it easy, letting the emotions and feelings roll like the tide. I’m not drowning in them at the moment, more like bobbing on top of the water waiting for the next wave. 

     For the most part I feel that my Mom is looking down on us and is enjoying a great life with great people and love in Heaven. I went to brunch with myself to honor my Mom. It was very nice. I managed to eat a little gelato later in the day. I even shared my treats. My Mom was a snack queen, so I think it may be in my genes. 

     I was just thinking that my ex is going to have to have a new nickname on here. How about Sgt. Pepper! That sounds hilarious. Well, Sgt. Pepper made it to town today and surprise, managed to text me and said that he wants to meet up. So I hope that does happen. I know, I have been told to take it slow, make sure he is a friend, and let him take the lead. So far so good. 

     I hope that you are all having a great day and wish you all the happiness and blessings that you can stand 🙂

Shalom

Namaste

     

Reflections On Pomp And Circumstance

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     I had planned on writing this post last night but I was too excited. Tonight, I am still too excited. The only difference is that I am determined to write it. For a long time I did not look forward to graduation(I know it sounds weird). It wasn’t until my sponsor told me that it was an honor and seeing my friends get excited about it, that my feelings started to change. 

     Today’s graduation thank yous go to God for allowing me to go through all of the things that I have had to go through in order to be in the place I am to graduate. Thank you to my friends and family who supported me even though they thought I was crazy. It is the support that counts. I cannot begin to explain how much encouragement and support mean to me and how it actually affects people. It helps me feel like I can do pretty much anything. 

     Thank you to the people who didn’t believe in me ever and had the guts to tell me to my face. If it would not have been for your sheer doubt and unbelief in me, I may not have pushed as hard as I could for everything that I have achieved in order to be a happier, well rounded person. Without you, my inner strength would not have to exert itself in order to grow. 

     Thank you to my university and all of the awesome professors that I have had, interacted with, or just admired from across the quad. Thank you for being such shining examples of what it means to be a great person. Thank you for showing me that my voice matters and my ideas have value. Thank you for allowing me to be at the table of learning. 

     Another super cool thing about today(besides awesome family and friend time) was seeing my friends in recovery be celebrated. I could just see the joy in everyone’s faces and it made me smile so hard. I smiled from the inside out. 

Priceless moments of life

Shalom

Namaste

Anatomy Of A Bad Date/Waving The White Flag

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     I went on a date last night. I had planned to write this post last night, but my mind was spinning and I was too tired. I planned on writing it earlier today but my mind was still spinning and I did a bunch of nothing to avoid writing it. Then something happened when I was just breathing and enjoying a moment, so I had to write this. 

     So, you all know that I had recently started online dating again(yes, I have stopped again I think for good this time). The person that I was going to give another shot to, lets just say his inaction renders him invisible and I am going to act like I am busy if for some reason he does manage to appear this weekend. But this post is not about him. Shocker I know. 

     Ok, here we go. I just took my day vitamins to postpone writing a sentence. Ugh So yesterday morning a guy that I had exchanged numbers with online texted me. No big deal. He mentioned that he had closed his profile after some crazy messages. I replied that was ok because I had deleted mine as well. He said that he wanted to meet me and we should do Starbucks. I agreed. This time I picked a different Starbucks. I was really excited and I thought the universe was saying, see you too can find good dates after you delete your online dating profile. I bought a couple of cute tops. 

     I get to the Starbucks and find a spot to sit down. The guy is across from me standing(like he was about to text me). First major red flag: he didn’t look anything like his profile picture. He approaches me and you know how someone goes in to kiss your cheek? He went in a smelled me. Weird.

     We got in line and when it came time to order the barista asked if the drinks were together and he said they were separate. Red flag number two: Guys should always pay on dates especially if they ask the girl out. As soon as I pulled out my wallet, he told the barista they were together. I thanked him. 

     We walked and talked. Then he asked if I wanted to go and sit down. I agreed. He asked me if I wanted to go to the movies. I said sure. He gave me a hi-five. He mentioned that we had some time before the movie and asked me if I wanted to go somewhere to hang out. I agreed. We went to a public park(it was still daylight out). 

     On the way to the park the guy mentioned that he wasn’t looking for anything serious. I said ok and made a mental note. We briefly chatted about other dates we went on.He had mentioned that there were times where women threw themselves at him on dates.  We went to the park and for some reason the conversation turned to drinking. He asked me if it was harder for me to date sober or when I was drinking. I had mentioned that I no longer drink. I said it was way easier because I had my checklist and I could analyze things quicker. 

     We went to the movies. We sat down and I just went to town on the popcorn. The theater was freezing and since I am naturally cold blooded, I was basically a shivering ice block. He started whispering to me. He asked me something about the kind of shoes I liked(I was wearing flats). I mentioned that I liked all kinds of shoes and asked him if he was into that. He didn’t really answer. Well, at some point he held my hand(which was frozen and stayed super cold). I did not hold his hand back. So finally he let my hand go. I was really into the movie(Spiderman 2). 

     When the movie was over, as I got up to leave, he attempted to put his hand on the small of my back. I moved. When we left the theater, he mentioned that his place was much warmer and invited me over. I said no thank you. So he drove me home. I thanked him for the evening.

     Instead of dropping me off at home, he drove past my place. I already knew the deal. He then proceeded to ask me on a scale of one to ten how attracted I was to him. Super awkward. I bust out in nervous laughter and said that I had never been asked that before and that I would not answer the question. He said that I could be honest. I said that I would not want to ask someone that and I would not want the answer.

     Then I opened the car door. Red flag number fifty-eleven: when someone tries to keep you in their car by locking the doors with the electric lock. He said hey, close the door I want to talk to you. I kept the door open and said we really didn’t have anything else to talk about. He asked me if he was going to call me or if I was going to call him. I told him that I would text him today(which I didn’t). 

     He called me today. He again asked me the scaling question and I did not answer. He then proceeded to tell me that being physical and intimate was very important to him. He said that I did not tell him how I felt yesterday. I told him that yesterday he had pretty much made that clear and that I wasn’t having sex until I was married. I told him that I was on the other end of the spectrum from him.

     He was shocked. He said but I had had sex before. I said yes and that I chose not to again until I was married. I said that I had decided that after I had been married. He was shocked to find out that I had been married before. He mentioned that it sounded like we were not on the same page and I agreed.Then the other bad date guy texted me to ask me out for another date and I said that we didn’t have to. He wished me good luck and I wished the same for him. 

     The reason why I am raising the white flag and basically why I have thrown in the towel is because my time and energy is not worth being wasted on more bad dates. I value myself and my standards and I can wait for someone to want to get to know me and who can respect that. Sure I wanted things to work out with my ex(which you may be tired of hearing about) but I came to the realization that nothing was going to change because he didn’t want anything to change. The only thing he wanted to change was the opportunity to have sex before he shipped off. Nope, not from me. 

     I know it may sound weird that I am so conservative in my beliefs but I have seen it happen and work out for other people. I can’t think that I am the exception. I have to think that I am the rule. Just because someone doesn’t want to respect me by waiting doesn’t mean that I am a bad person, it just means that they are selfish. 

     Just a side note about intuition which I like to call spidey sense, listen to it, use it. It is much easier for me to listen to it being that I am sober. That is one reason why I know that I will be okay even if I continue to stay single. It just means God has a different plan for my life. 

So here’s to healthy relationships and a healthy life. I went for a nice run after that horrible conversation and had a personal dance party. I even gave myself a mani and pedi for graduation this weekend. Now that is something to look forward to. I was so excited because I turned in my last assignment of the semester. I am so excited for the summer to start. Everything is lining up nicely. All I have to do now is prepare for the move, move, and find a job. Thankful that God is a big God and he knows the plans He has for us. 

Thank you again for checking out my little spot in the Internet. I am humbled by everyone who checks it out(even though you may not be led to leave a comment). Also thanks for praying for me and if you aren’t, you can always start 🙂

Shalom

Namaste

     

    

It Takes What It Takes-Reflection

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     The Women’s Conference at church was awesome. The speakers were great and I really learned a lot. There was a lot to take in. I was so inspired and ready to take on the world. I was able to finish up my last assignments for the semester. I started to get a little excited about graduation. 

     I know I have wobbled in my thoughts on online dating. I have asked tons of friends. I have read tons of articles. I have had a lot of feedback. Then I decided to see what God had to say about it. I started to draw back a bit when I had the idea of reconnecting with my ex. Then I realized I was excited about the idea of him. I wasn’t excited about the reality of him.

     Even though he apologized, there really wasn’t anything else there. I mean I discussed with him how much I continued to hate online dating and he seemed to have no problem with it. Then I just started to feel those same old feelings that I used to have come back. There is something about him that I don’t trust and he didn’t do anything to even acknowledge it or attempt to change it.

     When you tell someone in recovery that you would take care of them if they chose to drink, that is not a term of endearment, it is a sign that you don’t understand the person’s journey. Of course I mentioned it. You know the feeling you get when someone is lying to you and you just aren’t in their face to give them a huge side eye. Yeah, that is what my gut is telling me. 

     What some people don’t seem to realize is I have probably been through an encyclopedia of bad dates/relates/crap so I know all of the elements that made a not gonna happen tornado. So yes, if a miracle happens and he does take me out this weekend, I will have an open mind and open eyes. If it doesn’t happen, I will not be surprised. My thought today was why would someone take an ex back. I mean I practically did an empty chair on myself. I drank three cups of tea today(I am finding that tea brings much clarity). All I could think was why would he want to be in my face(since he had me but didn’t do anything with me) and then why would I really want to be in his. 

     So the ex is in the same boat as all of the other guys who I interacted with, who just aren’t quite stepping up to the plate. I like to think that I am not asking for too much in a relationship but I am. I am asking for a lot because I have a lot to add to the equation. So today, after letting him know how he could contact me(which he already knew), I deleted my accounts. I feel like a weight has been lifted. 

     So now I am going to focus on what is ahead of me and do my best to leave everything in God’s hands. He knows exactly what my journey looks like. Nothing that I do surprises Him. I also know that God would not want me to just put myself around people who can’t see my good qualities and can only think about what I am no longer giving. 

     I have a big appointment tomorrow. I’m not nervous, just wouldn’t mind doing anything else. So if you pray for me, please add extra prayers tomorrow. Yesterday I had some awesome avocado tacos and today I made some that were even better. So tomorrow I have more avocado tacos to look forward too. 

     I took a dating readiness quiz and I got a yellow light(proceed with caution). I like to think that I am ready to date and build a relationship but maybe I’m not. I have to be open to that idea. I know that I can be weird. I won’t stop praying about it though. I like to think I have come a long way, but maybe relationship wise I haven’t. So I have to pray that I get healthier and wiser in order to be a good partner for someone instead of an afterthought. Yes, I have no problem taking the blame for my mistakes. At the same time, if you were in my shoes, I am sure you would have ended things even sooner. Yes, I do realize that I am terribly impatient. But its like the saying goes, don’t pee on my leg and tell me its raining.

     In other news, I went to a Christian fashion show and it was a blast. The only bad part was my knees weren’t covered, so every time someone walked past me or was introduced to me, the first thing they looked at were my knees. Yes, the holy side eye is a harsh experience. In fact I mentioned it because some ladies were talking about the dress standards. I made the point that yes people do need to have conversations about it instead of just the usual side eye and gossip behind their backs. The fashions were fantastic though. It definitely made me think about my old wardrobe and some of the really cute skirts that I miss. 

Shalom

Namaste