Today I told myself that I was going to have a good day. I was going to seek the positive and the good. I was going to take each moment as it came.
My beginning moments were positive. They were filled with openness. I was ready to take on the day.
Then some negativity was introduced. I stayed calm. I did some deep breathing. I looked for balance.
I went about my day. Then my words were questioned. I stated my purpose for my words. I was told that my words were taken negatively. I explained that I could not help how my words(in a normal tone) were taken.
Then it dawned on me that people never ask me why I am the way I am. People never ask me what it is like to experience the world through my eyes. I understand that everyone experiences the world differently. But the world is a jungle of sorts. I can’t show fear or weakness.
When I was little, I was a huge bully. When people made me mad, I started a fight with them. Outside of school I was bullied a couple of times. It truly is a wonder I got schoolwork done because I lived in the principal’s office. So when I went to junior high I was told that I couldn’t get into any more fights. Since I was tired of getting beat I did my best to stay out of trouble.
When I got to high school the same rules applied. I was bullied day in and day out because I always had a crush on someone else’s boyfriend(I was harmless) and there was a group that just hated me because. I only fought one bully at school and that was after school, she had bullied me everyday for six months until she decided to challenge me and I punched her and made her nose bleed. My vice principal hated me and had a fondness for my tormentors. My principal and counselor atleast listened to me.
I was bullied at band camp more than once and I never fought back. Basically I just stopped fighting. That doesn’t mean that I don’t know how to defend myself, its just that I use a lot of self restraint.
Words do hurt. I am the queen of a sarcastic, passive aggressive dig(usually agressive). So yeah people say the craziest things to me all of the time and I suck it up and take it because I know that if I said what really came to mind, the least you would do is cry.
People don’t understand how much I go out of my way to be positive and tolerant of others who can’t even attempt to show me the slightest ounce of respect. Like I said you think you know but you have no idea. It’s also hard when you don’t have an immediate support system of people who have your back.
A friend told me today that generally in the South people are more passive aggressive in their leanings. I have no problem doing the same but I prefer people to be direct with me.
So right now I’m breathing and reflecting on life. I have some papers to work on. I’m debating if I am going to stuff these feelings with ice cream or not.
Keep moving forward