To add to my crazy day, I just had a new in recovery associate call me. He said he didn’t know what to do about an ex who wasn’t that into him. I told him that he needed to leave her be. She was playing games with him. He said he wanted to talk to her and that it was going to be hard. She was calling him as we spoke. He thanked me for answering(aka he was lucky I am half sleep). I immediately thought of all of the online people who told me how horrible I was because I was always asking when people were going to leave their dysfunction. I actually wanted to say that see, I tell people in real life the same thing, so I thought I would just blog about it.
It is probably due to how I was raised. My Mom was in an abusive relationship for twenty-five years. They called it love. The relationship was abusive from the first day(before I was born) and continued to be an emotional toil after she left. As a result, I witnessed my Mom be abused by my the man who I called dad for most of my life. I can still remember every instance. After the last incident of that man attempting to kill my Mother, I refused to have a relationship with him.
Many of my family members and his(who didn’t know the truth) chalked it up to that just being how my parents were and how I needed to have a relationship with him. Don’t get me wrong, I was a daddy’s girl, but I had too many instances to lose respect for him. I didn’t have an idyllic relationship with my Mother but I never wanted her to die. I knew that good relationships weren’t supposed to hurt. I could never understand why she stayed. When I tried to talk to her about it, she never wanted to have that conversation.
So once I became an adult(who had basically no relationship experience), as soon as someone said something to me or did something that I just didn’t like, I left. Some would call me a runner. I don’t bail when things get tough, I bail when things aren’t good for me(mentally, emotionally, etc). In my last relationship(the one I am reminded of every few weeks or so), I did more than my part for my partner. I accepted a lot until my trust was broken(a few times). The reason why the relationship ended is because my partner decided to do what he wanted to do(active addiction) and saw me as his enemy. He attempted to take my life. I actually couldn’t believe it was happening when it happened. But as soon as I realized I was still alive, I knew it was over.
His family could not believe that I wasn’t standing by him. I told them politely that he had chose the wrong one. He never apologized for what he did(just like my dad). So, I had to move on and remember that we can’t wait around for apologies that will never come. I only mention these incidents because they really happened to me. It has been one year and three months since that fatal night and I try to do my best to be grateful for each moment that I have.
So, when I tell people to leave their horrible/fake/mirage relationships, it is not because I don’t want to see people happy, it is because I believe all people deserve happiness. I also know that if you truly don’t believe that you deserve something, I cannot make you change your mind.
Now, I’m not saying I’m perfect at all. I have spent a huge chunk of time chasing relationships(because I believe that people who have happy, healthy relationships really have a lot going for themselves). But I also believe that you have to be happy with yourself first. I know I have a long way to go, but I am happy I am not where I used to be. I believe that I have worth and value(that we all do), we just need the right person to recognize and cherish it. I can’t just stop being awesome because a great guy hasn’t seen it yet. I have to be me regardless.
I was talking to a friend and told him how I had flirted with a few of our mutual friends and mentioned that I had given them my number so we could do coffee or something sometime(a while back). So I was joking around with a mutual friend and mentioned how I liked someone but they hadn’t taken me up on my offer. The mutual friend knew what I was talking about and was a little embarrassed. Even though I can accept that I am not a person’s cup of tea, I would much rather just have you tell me that rather than think I had a chance( in my head). I have no problem nicely telling people that I am not into them. I’m a big girl, I’ve been handling rejection since I was a kid.
That associate called me back and thanked me for picking up the phone and being of service. I encouraged him to get some rest and talk to his sponsor. Sometimes all we can do is be an ear, a shoulder, or open arms to someone. That is one reason why I am so thankful for my friends and family who have stuck by me through so many adventures. I know that I am a tough cookie, but they help me to continue walking forward.
Right now I don’t know if love is in my future. It seems that no matter how hard I try to turn my heart and emotions off, my heart always finds a way to be open. Right now I am focusing on what is right in front of me because that truly is enough. That’s one of the hard things about being single is feeling like you have so much love to give and no one to give it to(that’s why I spend a lot of time with animals because they always accept it and give it back too).
So yeah even though I like to think that I have it all together, I know we all can’t be Beyonce. I know I can only be the awkward person that I am and one day I will remember that that is enough. Until then, I just have to keep reminding myself that I am ok. Also, its ok if no one takes my advice because we are only ready when we are ready.