Tag Archives: blog

Reflections On Pomp And Circumstance

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     I had planned on writing this post last night but I was too excited. Tonight, I am still too excited. The only difference is that I am determined to write it. For a long time I did not look forward to graduation(I know it sounds weird). It wasn’t until my sponsor told me that it was an honor and seeing my friends get excited about it, that my feelings started to change. 

     Today’s graduation thank yous go to God for allowing me to go through all of the things that I have had to go through in order to be in the place I am to graduate. Thank you to my friends and family who supported me even though they thought I was crazy. It is the support that counts. I cannot begin to explain how much encouragement and support mean to me and how it actually affects people. It helps me feel like I can do pretty much anything. 

     Thank you to the people who didn’t believe in me ever and had the guts to tell me to my face. If it would not have been for your sheer doubt and unbelief in me, I may not have pushed as hard as I could for everything that I have achieved in order to be a happier, well rounded person. Without you, my inner strength would not have to exert itself in order to grow. 

     Thank you to my university and all of the awesome professors that I have had, interacted with, or just admired from across the quad. Thank you for being such shining examples of what it means to be a great person. Thank you for showing me that my voice matters and my ideas have value. Thank you for allowing me to be at the table of learning. 

     Another super cool thing about today(besides awesome family and friend time) was seeing my friends in recovery be celebrated. I could just see the joy in everyone’s faces and it made me smile so hard. I smiled from the inside out. 

Priceless moments of life

Shalom

Namaste

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Anatomy Of A Bad Date/Waving The White Flag

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     I went on a date last night. I had planned to write this post last night, but my mind was spinning and I was too tired. I planned on writing it earlier today but my mind was still spinning and I did a bunch of nothing to avoid writing it. Then something happened when I was just breathing and enjoying a moment, so I had to write this. 

     So, you all know that I had recently started online dating again(yes, I have stopped again I think for good this time). The person that I was going to give another shot to, lets just say his inaction renders him invisible and I am going to act like I am busy if for some reason he does manage to appear this weekend. But this post is not about him. Shocker I know. 

     Ok, here we go. I just took my day vitamins to postpone writing a sentence. Ugh So yesterday morning a guy that I had exchanged numbers with online texted me. No big deal. He mentioned that he had closed his profile after some crazy messages. I replied that was ok because I had deleted mine as well. He said that he wanted to meet me and we should do Starbucks. I agreed. This time I picked a different Starbucks. I was really excited and I thought the universe was saying, see you too can find good dates after you delete your online dating profile. I bought a couple of cute tops. 

     I get to the Starbucks and find a spot to sit down. The guy is across from me standing(like he was about to text me). First major red flag: he didn’t look anything like his profile picture. He approaches me and you know how someone goes in to kiss your cheek? He went in a smelled me. Weird.

     We got in line and when it came time to order the barista asked if the drinks were together and he said they were separate. Red flag number two: Guys should always pay on dates especially if they ask the girl out. As soon as I pulled out my wallet, he told the barista they were together. I thanked him. 

     We walked and talked. Then he asked if I wanted to go and sit down. I agreed. He asked me if I wanted to go to the movies. I said sure. He gave me a hi-five. He mentioned that we had some time before the movie and asked me if I wanted to go somewhere to hang out. I agreed. We went to a public park(it was still daylight out). 

     On the way to the park the guy mentioned that he wasn’t looking for anything serious. I said ok and made a mental note. We briefly chatted about other dates we went on.He had mentioned that there were times where women threw themselves at him on dates.  We went to the park and for some reason the conversation turned to drinking. He asked me if it was harder for me to date sober or when I was drinking. I had mentioned that I no longer drink. I said it was way easier because I had my checklist and I could analyze things quicker. 

     We went to the movies. We sat down and I just went to town on the popcorn. The theater was freezing and since I am naturally cold blooded, I was basically a shivering ice block. He started whispering to me. He asked me something about the kind of shoes I liked(I was wearing flats). I mentioned that I liked all kinds of shoes and asked him if he was into that. He didn’t really answer. Well, at some point he held my hand(which was frozen and stayed super cold). I did not hold his hand back. So finally he let my hand go. I was really into the movie(Spiderman 2). 

     When the movie was over, as I got up to leave, he attempted to put his hand on the small of my back. I moved. When we left the theater, he mentioned that his place was much warmer and invited me over. I said no thank you. So he drove me home. I thanked him for the evening.

     Instead of dropping me off at home, he drove past my place. I already knew the deal. He then proceeded to ask me on a scale of one to ten how attracted I was to him. Super awkward. I bust out in nervous laughter and said that I had never been asked that before and that I would not answer the question. He said that I could be honest. I said that I would not want to ask someone that and I would not want the answer.

     Then I opened the car door. Red flag number fifty-eleven: when someone tries to keep you in their car by locking the doors with the electric lock. He said hey, close the door I want to talk to you. I kept the door open and said we really didn’t have anything else to talk about. He asked me if he was going to call me or if I was going to call him. I told him that I would text him today(which I didn’t). 

     He called me today. He again asked me the scaling question and I did not answer. He then proceeded to tell me that being physical and intimate was very important to him. He said that I did not tell him how I felt yesterday. I told him that yesterday he had pretty much made that clear and that I wasn’t having sex until I was married. I told him that I was on the other end of the spectrum from him.

     He was shocked. He said but I had had sex before. I said yes and that I chose not to again until I was married. I said that I had decided that after I had been married. He was shocked to find out that I had been married before. He mentioned that it sounded like we were not on the same page and I agreed.Then the other bad date guy texted me to ask me out for another date and I said that we didn’t have to. He wished me good luck and I wished the same for him. 

     The reason why I am raising the white flag and basically why I have thrown in the towel is because my time and energy is not worth being wasted on more bad dates. I value myself and my standards and I can wait for someone to want to get to know me and who can respect that. Sure I wanted things to work out with my ex(which you may be tired of hearing about) but I came to the realization that nothing was going to change because he didn’t want anything to change. The only thing he wanted to change was the opportunity to have sex before he shipped off. Nope, not from me. 

     I know it may sound weird that I am so conservative in my beliefs but I have seen it happen and work out for other people. I can’t think that I am the exception. I have to think that I am the rule. Just because someone doesn’t want to respect me by waiting doesn’t mean that I am a bad person, it just means that they are selfish. 

     Just a side note about intuition which I like to call spidey sense, listen to it, use it. It is much easier for me to listen to it being that I am sober. That is one reason why I know that I will be okay even if I continue to stay single. It just means God has a different plan for my life. 

So here’s to healthy relationships and a healthy life. I went for a nice run after that horrible conversation and had a personal dance party. I even gave myself a mani and pedi for graduation this weekend. Now that is something to look forward to. I was so excited because I turned in my last assignment of the semester. I am so excited for the summer to start. Everything is lining up nicely. All I have to do now is prepare for the move, move, and find a job. Thankful that God is a big God and he knows the plans He has for us. 

Thank you again for checking out my little spot in the Internet. I am humbled by everyone who checks it out(even though you may not be led to leave a comment). Also thanks for praying for me and if you aren’t, you can always start 🙂

Shalom

Namaste

     

    

It Takes What It Takes-Reflection

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     The Women’s Conference at church was awesome. The speakers were great and I really learned a lot. There was a lot to take in. I was so inspired and ready to take on the world. I was able to finish up my last assignments for the semester. I started to get a little excited about graduation. 

     I know I have wobbled in my thoughts on online dating. I have asked tons of friends. I have read tons of articles. I have had a lot of feedback. Then I decided to see what God had to say about it. I started to draw back a bit when I had the idea of reconnecting with my ex. Then I realized I was excited about the idea of him. I wasn’t excited about the reality of him.

     Even though he apologized, there really wasn’t anything else there. I mean I discussed with him how much I continued to hate online dating and he seemed to have no problem with it. Then I just started to feel those same old feelings that I used to have come back. There is something about him that I don’t trust and he didn’t do anything to even acknowledge it or attempt to change it.

     When you tell someone in recovery that you would take care of them if they chose to drink, that is not a term of endearment, it is a sign that you don’t understand the person’s journey. Of course I mentioned it. You know the feeling you get when someone is lying to you and you just aren’t in their face to give them a huge side eye. Yeah, that is what my gut is telling me. 

     What some people don’t seem to realize is I have probably been through an encyclopedia of bad dates/relates/crap so I know all of the elements that made a not gonna happen tornado. So yes, if a miracle happens and he does take me out this weekend, I will have an open mind and open eyes. If it doesn’t happen, I will not be surprised. My thought today was why would someone take an ex back. I mean I practically did an empty chair on myself. I drank three cups of tea today(I am finding that tea brings much clarity). All I could think was why would he want to be in my face(since he had me but didn’t do anything with me) and then why would I really want to be in his. 

     So the ex is in the same boat as all of the other guys who I interacted with, who just aren’t quite stepping up to the plate. I like to think that I am not asking for too much in a relationship but I am. I am asking for a lot because I have a lot to add to the equation. So today, after letting him know how he could contact me(which he already knew), I deleted my accounts. I feel like a weight has been lifted. 

     So now I am going to focus on what is ahead of me and do my best to leave everything in God’s hands. He knows exactly what my journey looks like. Nothing that I do surprises Him. I also know that God would not want me to just put myself around people who can’t see my good qualities and can only think about what I am no longer giving. 

     I have a big appointment tomorrow. I’m not nervous, just wouldn’t mind doing anything else. So if you pray for me, please add extra prayers tomorrow. Yesterday I had some awesome avocado tacos and today I made some that were even better. So tomorrow I have more avocado tacos to look forward too. 

     I took a dating readiness quiz and I got a yellow light(proceed with caution). I like to think that I am ready to date and build a relationship but maybe I’m not. I have to be open to that idea. I know that I can be weird. I won’t stop praying about it though. I like to think I have come a long way, but maybe relationship wise I haven’t. So I have to pray that I get healthier and wiser in order to be a good partner for someone instead of an afterthought. Yes, I have no problem taking the blame for my mistakes. At the same time, if you were in my shoes, I am sure you would have ended things even sooner. Yes, I do realize that I am terribly impatient. But its like the saying goes, don’t pee on my leg and tell me its raining.

     In other news, I went to a Christian fashion show and it was a blast. The only bad part was my knees weren’t covered, so every time someone walked past me or was introduced to me, the first thing they looked at were my knees. Yes, the holy side eye is a harsh experience. In fact I mentioned it because some ladies were talking about the dress standards. I made the point that yes people do need to have conversations about it instead of just the usual side eye and gossip behind their backs. The fashions were fantastic though. It definitely made me think about my old wardrobe and some of the really cute skirts that I miss. 

Shalom

Namaste

Forgiveness

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     The Bible speaks to us over and over about forgiveness. It also gives us numerous examples of forgiveness in action.When we open our hearts to forgive,  the more grace is given to us.
     Not only am I called to forgive others, but I also have to forgive myself. As much as I like to think I am, I’m not perfect.  Sometimes I jump the gun and when I think I’m right, I hold onto my rightness with a tight grip. It doesn’t take much to forgive, just a little bit of taking down pride and ego.
     Yesterday someone that I had started to care about did just that. I had tried a few times to let him know my plans and that I usually don’t give people second chances. He apologized to me. He told me that he admires how I stick to my guns.  Now I know it took a lot. He told me how he felt and he can’t wait to see me again.  I’m excited to see him too. So we shall see how God continues to lead.
     Today I am attending a women’s conference at church.  I always love gathering to grow in the word. It looks like it is going to be a jam packed day filled with fun and faith.
       I hope that you have a blessed day!
Shalom
Namaste

I Hope You Find What You’re Looking For

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     Today has been an interesting day. My allergies decided to flare up. I’m ready for a nap.
     I cleaned up my online dating profiles because I realized people were not reading them. I thought it would simplify things a bit. Then I found out that it didn’t.  I told the ex that he wasn’t going to change(most people don’t) and since we are really looking for different things, its best that we stop while we are ahead. 
     I also found myself telling a few people that I hope they find what they are looking for. I think it’s easier than trying to force something artificial. Dating is hard enough as it is. 
     I’m really excited about the women’s conference at church tomorrow. I always love learning new things. Plus, its always nice to get a new perspective.
     Its May so that means a new Spartan challenge. I like that every exercise involves thirty reps. I plan on adding a yoga sequence to the mix. I may go for a run later.
     I hope that you have a great day. Thanks for reading my little slice of the Internet.
Shalom
Namaste

Nourish My Soul

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“Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name; worship the LORD in the spirit of his holiness” Psalm 29:2

     This morning I woke up extra early actually rested from sleep(thank God) and found out that I was unable to do what I thought I needed to do. So I worked out and flitted about the Internet. I just started dancing around my room. So it was a morning dance party. Which ended up being much needed. 

     This month’s BlogHer theme is nourish. So I hope to stick to it and write about things that nourish me. Music nourishes my soul and so does being close to God through prayer and devotions. Yesterday I had a conversation with some friends about prayer and devotions. My friend said that when we have an issue, we can pray about it for a week(give it over to God) and then see what happens, otherwise we haven’t actually given the problem over to the ultimate problem solver. Light bulb moment for me right there. How many things have I said that I have given to God but really kept tight in my hand. 

     What would happen if instead of complaining, my first reaction was prayer? I mean if situations don’t change, the least I can do is change my attitude toward the situation. Today’s devotion was spot on. It said that as we give ourselves more time with God,we have no time for worry. I can start today. So that is the plan. 

     That means no complaining about online dating. At least for one day to start. The only thing I can focus on is my life and how I am living it. I am either drawing closer to God’s purpose and plan for my life or I am doing some sort of spiral bouncing around what I should be doing. I can be grateful for all of my blessings and each moment that I can be a blessing to someone else. 

     I hope you have a great day and know that prayer changes everything 🙂

Shalom

Namaste

     

     

Wow

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     “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.” James 1:2 NLT

     Today I woke up a tad late after staying in bed due to a small drama filled night(which I blogged about). I just decided that I was going to be late, I got ready, I ate breakfast. I made it to the bus. I made my way to my destination filled with interesting messages and an unexpected phone call. 

     I got to where I needed to be. I was rearing to go, when someone dismissed me. Literally and out loud. I could not believe that I had just been dismissed(didn’t expect it), of course it has happened to me before. I stayed calm. I walked away. I found an area that was in my realm of concern and attended to it. 

     I went about my day. I walked to a bus stop and realized I had to go to another. I had to take a new bus and a new route. I was happy to have a good book to read. The bus was a tad scary because the bus kept flying through stops. I thought I was going to miss my stop(the stop I had planned in my head) and I was able to get off closer to my destination. 

     I met some really cool people who also run(we compared mile paces). I had a difficult conversation with someone who I had started to care for. I think he kind of gets it but thinks that I am going to change my mind. One thing about me is I hold on to past actions. I am happy for new actions to replace the old ones, but when they don’t, my go to are the old actions. That may be because I have not had too many occasions where people treated me one way and then treated me differently. It is usually an even keel of if the person is treated me poorly they consistently treat me poorly and if they treated me well, they consistently treat me well. I think that I can only be treated well by new people who have the opportunity to treat me well. 

     I asked all of my trusted in real life friends for their advice regarding online dating and alas no one really wants to tell me what to do. So I have decided to give it a few more months(because I am really about to be super busy and I don’t need anything to get in the way of that). In the meantime, I plan to draw closer to the Lord, because He has a plan for me and it is good. Better than anything that I could think of. 

     I am keeping my head held high because I am sticking to my boundaries and standards. At least I am doing what I am supposed to do and even though so many guys seem to not be able to understand, I’m not giving up on myself or giving in that easily. Even though I have made so many mistakes in the past, God looks beyond my faults and sees me as I really am. So just because some joe schmoe can’t see all of my good qualities, doesn’t mean I have to diminish them. 

     I have an early day tomorrow so I need to act like I am going to bed. Do any of you struggle with getting enough sleep? A friend asked me about my semester coming to a close and I said that I didn’t want to think about it. I am happy that it is happening but it feels like I am going down a roller coaster. I don’t really like a lot of change and a lot of change is coming my way in the next few weeks. I am continuing to give these issues over in prayer. 

Shalom

Namaste