“I call heaven and earth to witness this day against you that I have set before you life and death, the blessings and the curses, therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live” Deuteronomy 30:19
My day started off a tad frazzled. I was still thinking about class last night. Last night we discussed suicide risk assessment. Some of my classmates were a tad nervous to do it. I had practice doing it last semester. I know that it is serious and important so I have no problem doing it.
I began my day by eating a chocolate brownie and drinking a hot chocolate. I also ate some fresh strawberries. So in my mind it was totally balancing out. I wrote in a notebook my thoughts about suicide and my own dark nights of the soul. I took a lot of deep breathes. I said the Serenity Prayer. I told myself some positive self talk.
My day flowed and then I found out that a good friend in recovery had died. Today was her birthday. I was stunned. Every time a person dies, it hits me hard. I had planned to go eat some tacos for lunch/dinner. Well, that plan changed.So I had a huge salad, some risotto, and a chocolate lava cake. Yep, I did that. I was sad and could not stop thinking about my friend. Of course my stomach let me know how terrible my choices were.
I called my sponsor. I headed to a meeting. Where I met with a lot of good friends. The meeting was good. I made the mistake of flirting with a guy who *cough* has a girlfriend. I didn’t know but I figured as much. So I was already crying for my friend and it just led me to cry for myself.
I had the opportunity to attend a new meeting with a friend. As soon as I got there, I saw some cute guys and stuck out my hand to say hello and they looked at me crazy because drum roll, they already knew me. In fact I met like six people who knew me from when I was new in recovery. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. All I could do was blush and say weird things like “blah, bleep, boop”. People even remembered my big book(I hadn’t had it with me). It was really nice to be around great friends and know that people have me in their thoughts and prayers(as I do them).
Both meetings were great and I definitely learned a lot. It made me wonder, the same way we do a suicide risk assessment, why don’t we do a relapse risk assessment? Could that be a way to help others who were struggling with their addiction? I know that addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful but couldn’t the same be said of suicide/the path to suicide?
This is just further proof that the more I think I have answers, the more I have to have faith and trust because my answers may not even be close to the truth. God has such huge plans for all of us. It just made me stop and think. My mind was literally blown away. I literally have to take each moment for what it is and what it has to offer.
A lot of things have potential to come together for me. I can’t rush any of them, I know that. So I am forced to take things step by step and exercise my faith. I also want to make an effort to be nicer to people because I am a snarky, sarcastic, you know what. I just realized that doesn’t help me or the other person. It is a truly lose lose situation.
Now while I know that I don’t have all the answers, I know that God does.That means I have a hope and a future. That also means that God didn’t bring me this far for me to fail. So even though I am scared(because its the unknown). I can take small steps in the right direction in order to feel a bit better.
Regarding the hot guy with a girlfriend, that just means I need to keep my big mouth shut. I wish I could have a permanent thought in my head “Thou shalt not ask guys out” and “Thou shalt not be aggressive with guys”. I think I am one step closer to learning my lesson.
Regarding my registration situation, so totally out of my hands its not even funny. All I can do is take the steps in front of me to complete this semester. Such as going to class, getting my internship hours, and doing my assignments. Yep, that sounds like enough.
So here’s to more deep breathing and acceptance