I am really good at a lot of things. But acceptance really isn’t one of them. In recovery we say “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”. What if serenity is elusive?
It has been two years since one of my oldest friendships ended(and it feels like ten years) and all I can think and feel is the core of me is garbage. My friend accepted all of me, even my core of garbage until she couldn’t anymore. Today I wonder how long she suffered under my garbage. I reached out to some friends for sage advice. I mentioned my mistakes and how I have tried to reach out over the past two years and you know what they said? They said that I have to stop. I have to let her go. I have to let her be in her serenity. And while I don’t have a deep grasp on serenity, I have to give that to her. The thing is, I can give that to her. I can give that to her and accept my garbage. Because at the end of the day, it’s just my garbage.
Who cares what I miss. I should have thought of that at the time, what I would miss, what I would lose, what I would not become but I couldn’t see it because I was blinded by my own garbage. I am a trash person and my core will be trash. The garbage is not to be celebrated, but it is to be learned from. So going forward, I have to continue to learn from my mistakes big and small. I also have to show more gratitude for those who choose to be in my life garbage and all. I am very thankful for them and I probably wouldn’t be able to even look half way decent if it weren’t for the great people that are in my life in these moments. Yes, you win some and you lose some. I definitely lost. That’s also the story of my life, I have lost a lot. But being a loser doesn’t give me the right to treat anyone badly. So I attempt to walk forward not adding harm to others. Some days are quite easier than others.
Let us walk toward serenity by any means.