Category Archives: Stats

What My Anxiety Looks Like

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    Hey blog readers,
                                   I looked at my stats and I think people were wondering if when I posted The End, that I was talking about suicide. Well, to reassure you, no I wasn’t talking or thinking about it. I actually haven’t wanted to commit suicide for years. I share a lot of suicide prevention info on my social media as a resource.
     One thing that you may not know about me is the fact that I am a very anxious person. I think I was born anxious. When I was a kid my Mom called me a worry wart. Most of the time I worried about everything around me. Even today, I have moments where anxiety gets the best of me.
     Sometimes I try to ignore it but it just courses through me like a river. Other times it is faint like a whisper. I worry about things that matter, things that don’t. Things in the past,present, and future. Sometimes I worry about one thing at a time and other times I worry about a million things.
    I think running,exercise, and a schedule really helps. I also spend a lot of time to myself. My brain never stops running. I told my therapist that my feet move forward but my brain cycles past,present, and future all at the same time. My body will get exhausted but my brain won’t.
I also have insomnia. So I have perfected the art of sleeping on four hours.
     I emailed my ex friend but no word. I called and left a voicemail. I’m a selfish needy person and that doesn’t make for a good friend. I’m sarcastic, bitter, and mean and now I understand why people don’t want me in their lives.
     My whole life I only wanted to fit in and I never could. I have gone through some horrific events and while I know that I need people in my life, I’m not the best at boundaries. That’s one reason why I’m single. I’m a nightmare.
    So the only thing I’m really good at is school except when I don’t do well at something. I’m also a perfectionist so not only do I have to figure out all of my mistakes right now, I have to get them right. So I’m sitting in this fear bubble about stats because I have to do all of this right now.
      Most days I take it one day at a time and others, it just spills over.
So there, be thankful that you are doing way better than me.
Shalom
Namaste

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What I’ve Been Up To

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Hey blog readers,

My summer semester ended last week and in between hangouts with friends, I’ve been working on my code for Stats. I am determined to do better so I have to practice and practice some more. So I am practicing my examples and past homework to work out every line and to get that wonky code to run.

I also found this cool program called Free Code Camp which is, yep, you guessed it a free code camp that teaches java script. It is easy to use, filled with a friendly community, and free. It is so awesome, that when I found out about it, I told all of my friends(who would listen) about it. Most weren’t interested, but I was already hooked so oh well.

Other than that, I have been in a holding pattern of stop and wait. I have a week and some change before I am able to get my financial aid(because one thing that happens when you are put on academic probation is that the school holds your financial aid hostage while it takes its time finding out if you made it back to proper academic standing). So, while people look at you like you are crazy because you can’t pay your balance of $500ish dollars because you have to pay rent late, you just sit and wait while anxiety consumes you body and soul because on day x, you are being dropped from your classes, and you have to reapply on day y and hope that everything works out in the meantime. All the while, just thinking about all of the other bills that you have to pay late(even though you are more than happy to pay them just so that they can be paid).

This also looks like having no motivation to workout because as a result of not having money to do stuff with, you cannot get your semester bus pass so you have to log your miles by walking to and from work in 90+ degree heat and you have no motivation to cook once you get home because the only voice in your head is that acquaintenemy who called you a glutton in public in front of all of your friends and how you oh so politely pushed the cake away from yourself even though four other people were eating said cake. And so you vow to yourself to stop being a glutton and do your best not to eat. There is a part of you that remembers that even though the words of others hurt, they will never hurt as much as the words you have already heard before. One day, your mind will be numb to all of the words. But until that day, you go through the motions of taking one step at a time. But the swirl of emotions inside sing a disjointed melody to your broke reality. You tell yourself that you will only eat certain things when presented but all bets may be off because hunger is real and food is a source of enjoyment and pleasure at times.

Especially when people go out of their way to figure out why you are still single and at the very least why you haven’t found a friends with benefits. When the reality is, after you make small, slight, gestures to people, and they give you answers that leave you flat, you finally come to the point where you agree with them and you realize, yeah, you wouldn’t want to date you either. You try to search back to a time when you were more beautiful,funny, and smart. To a time when you would have considered yourself dateable and you can’t find a time because you never were that person. You may have always strived to be that person but you always fell short. Too awkward, too tall, too short, too brown, too light, too smart, too dumb, too loud, too quiet, too skinny, too fat. You realize that you have spend all of your life just trying to fit into a space and that in reality, that space never existed.

So you spend time trying to brush those thoughts, ideas, and opinions away by focusing on what you need to do. You make these deals with the universe, like, yes, sure I can go x number of years single and without any prospects because I have managed to do it all of this time. Why should the future be any different? Anyway, there are more articles to read and more statistical understanding to be had in order to analyze more data. So you resolve to be more determined and focused on yourself because even the pastor says to focus on yourself. You keep going and you keep pushing because you have to.

Shalom

Namaste

Learning Lessons From Failure

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Hello blog readers,

I just wanted to take a break from my usual to blog about some recent events in my life. My semester ended yesterday with not a bang, but a fizzle. I did poorly in my stats class(which I have to retake). This news sent me into a tailspin. I found out as I was cranking out essays for another class. My body wanted to stop but my brain kept going). I reached out to a few friends, I made a few morose social media postings. A few friends swarmed on me and told me to cheer up and that things would be okay. But in my mind, they most certainly would not. All of this also happened to fall on Mother’s Day, which is always a bad time for me(as someone who no longer has their mother with them).

I had so many thoughts flowing through my mind and all I could think about was failure. When I fail, I fail in a major way. It also brings upon all of my other past failings large and small. I know this does not make sense to people who do not swim in their feelings. It makes perfect sense to those who are always inward focused. We spend huge chunks of our time focused on every part of ourselves and how we can change.

Mother’s Day last year was filled with disappointment from Sargent Pepper(who I did think about the other day). Also, I had time to think about the last time I failed a class. It was when I was enrolled in library school. I did poorly in a cataloging class. I will never forget that. We were instructed to original code MARC entries. It was rough.

So, yes, I am still hanging in there. I applied for a financial aid appeal and hopefully I will be put on an academic plan. I will be able to retake my class but I cannot take the other stats class I need until I do it. So, like Dory says “Just keep swimming”. I am reading a lot of stories about successful people who have failed at different points in time.

Yesterday I went for a walk and a friend invited me out for a night run. It was much needed and helped a lot. I also learned a trick for my laces that should help with my foot issues that I have been having. As a result of getting in so many miles yesterday, I am now in the 600 mile range for the year(still shooting for 2015).

Even though I do a really good job of beating myself up, I have to focus on the other things that I do have going well in my life. I have my life. I have my health. I have friends and family who still love me. I just have to keep moving forward. Some days that is all I can do, but that makes me a success for the day.

So, since I am on a tiny break from classes, I can watch some movies and just breathe. Sometimes that is good enough.

How do you learn from failure?

Shalom

Namaste

One Foot In Front Of The Other Moves You Forward

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Hey there lover of blogs and all things word related,

I have had a roller coaster of a week, now much of that has been in my head but whoo, it has been a ride. Earlier in the week I turned in my draft of my Stats paper. I was so excited and relieved. It is now being peer reviewed and I am peer reviewing some papers as well. I am a fairly critical person, so it is easy for me to give someone feedback on their work. I am also embracing the feedback that I am going to receive because I want to improve my writing.

My workouts have been sporadic this week because I was working on my methods assignment and I stayed up until the witching hour most days. I plan on going for a run this afternoon. I really need it. I decided after a run earlier in the week, that my days are so much better when I go for a run first. It was like one of those lightbulb moments that I need to put into practice and stop making excuses about. So, I don’t think I am going to make my mileage goal for the month so it will be interesting to see where I end up at the end of 2015 lol.

I got a bunch of interesting and amazing good news and I am excited about it but at the same time I am trying to stay calm. God works out things in so many unexpected ways until they come to fruition and I am like “Ah, now I see”. I had a great conversation with an inspirational friend yesterday who basically just told me to keep going.

Today is also a good day because I am not moping about how single I am. I totally understand how that is so old news lol. That means I am in a good space and I can focus on other things like getting my other blender from storage. The other day I went to make an awesome smoothie and my blender broke. It was a sad day for breakfast lovers everywhere.

Well, not much else is going on so I must get back to work. I cannot believe that in a few short weeks I will no longer be a first year doc student. Time flies when you are trying to meet deadlines. Also maybe I can catch a few shows or movies that I told myself I was going to get to. I am super excited about my summer class but I will probably blog about that another day.

Shalom

Namaste

What A Friday

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Hey blog readers,

If you are reading this, then congratulate yourself for making it to Friday. Whoo! I am so excited that I made it to another day. I love the weekends and I love Fridays(and Wednesdays but who’s counting). So last night I started working on my code and it ran and I went to sleep a happy camper. My paper is done(minus a few edits) and I couldn’t be happier(since I was happy to tell my professor that it was done). We are turning in final drafts on Monday for a triple peer review and then the final, final paper will be due after that. The great thing about this paper is that it also serves as my lit review for another class that is due at the end of the month. I am also current with my methods assignments( I have one of two due next week, so my plan is to edit and then work on it as a break). So I am looking forward to fun times this weekend.

Also this weekend I hope to workout too(since I won’t feel as rushed or stressed as I did earlier in the week). Running and exercise in general are such a release for me. I don’t know why I neglect them at times(usually when I am really stressed out). I mean even yoga and breathing help in a pinch.

This afternoon I am attending a demography workshop by one of the top scholars in the field(Dr. Green). I cannot wait to meet him. He does some awesome work at the University of Mississippi. Yesterday, he gave a talk but I had to work so I missed it. That’s why I am so excited that I have the opportunity to attend the workshop.

Yesterday I went to a networking mixer which was super awkward(not my fault at all). It just wasn’t prepped well and I don’t think they had the turnout that they were expecting. But one good thing is someone wants to read my papers. So I thought that was cool. Today I am looking on the bright side at everything. It makes each moment better. Plus, it feels good knowing that I am on the right track. I talked to a good friend yesterday about some of my experiences and she shared some similar experiences that she faced in grad school. Sometimes it just helps to know that you aren’t alone. She also mentioned some of the things that Eleanor Roosevelt went through in her life and how she overcame them. I love Eleanor Roosevelt but I didn’t realize that she had faced a lot of adversity.

Have a great day!

Shalom

Namaste

When Things Start To Look Up

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Hey blog peeps,

This week has been a busy one. My empirical analysis final draft is due on Monday(I have thirteen pages that I just have to tweak to grow to fifteen) and I have a new methods assignment due on Tuesday. I finally feel like things are happening and I am on the upside of the semester.

I had been really drained in social media because a lot of people want to dip their pinky toes into the discussion of race and I just got to this point where I can’t give anymore educations on race. I am not a teacher(at this moment in time). I treat people the way that I want to be treated and I hurt with those who hurt. That’s pretty much all that I can do.

This is one of the reasons why self-care is so important. If we are not recharging our energies in some way, we can’t help ourselves or others. One nice thing that has happened this week is that a lot of people have given me food. Not that I asked for it, they just offered and I accepted it.

I only have four weeks of this semester left and then my first year of doctoral work will be complete. I cannot believe it. I remember when being a doctoral student was just this pie in the sky idea that I had, now it is happening. So to everyone who is starting this journey or thinking about starting this journey, keep going and no matter what enjoy the journey.

I have a lot of older friends(who are near retirement age) and they always tell me to enjoy the journey. It is only when I take a moment to stop and smell the flowers do I actually put those words in action. So since I am trying to be kinder to myself, I am extending that kindness to others). Last night a good friend took me out to meet some band friends and then we did a little pub crawl(we drank ginger ale and fancy root beer). It was a blast! I haven’t had that much fun in a long time and I got to hear some great new music. A lot of people complimented me on my perfume(it was one I don’t really wear often but since I have a ton of perfume, I am trying to get into this habit of rotating them) anyway, the point is I said thank you and accepted the compliment.

This week has been employee appreciation at work and our bosses got us lunch for a few days(which is great for an always hungry veggie lover like myself). It is really nice to have people notice the work that you do. I haven’t been feeling that good so I have just been walking and I started back up my home weight circuit routine.

Well, the same way I just almost wrote five hundred words for this post, I have to go add five hundred to my paper 🙂

Shalom

Namaste

When Things Blow Up In Your Face

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Hey blog readers,

Sorry I haven’t been posting, I have had a wacky week. Well, I found out that I didn’t get the assistant-ship and my food stamps weren’t renewed because I don’t work twenty hours or more a week. So, I emailed everyone I could think of(I’m looking at you Sen. Cruz with your no reply email)  and instead of just thinking about myself I petitioned for the school to have a food bank site or food pantry for students on both campuses(just in case the school couldn’t think about increasing the hours of pay of students).

I have a lot of stuff do in a few weeks so I have been a tad stressed about it. Tonight I am giving a presentation on nutrition and health as it relates to migration. I just think it is so ironic that I am researching food insecurity while facing food insecurity.

Last night a friend posted a fitness challenge for April and this morning another friend called me for fitness encouragement so I took those as signs to get up and get moving. I ran 6 miles and did 60 squats and 20 pushups. I don’t know if I will ever get better at pushups or even like them lol. I have such weak upper body strength.

I am grateful that I am not in a position where I don’t have anything to eat in the fridge. I am grateful that I do have food to cook and eat. I am grateful for everything that I have. I just feel that more should be done when it can be. So I am trying to balance that out with the sadness that I didn’t get picked for the research position. I know I’m not the first person in the world to not get picked for a research position but I felt like I could have done a good job.

Such is life right, I mean there are so many things that we know but until it applies to us then we think it is unfair. Life for the most part isn’t fair for a lot of people so we have choices. We can keep pushing forward in spite of it all or we can let the unfairness stop us and keep us down.

I had some students in my program ask me if I was going to quit and I wouldn’t give anyone the satisfaction of quitting. This program is about making my dreams come true one class at a time. Maybe I am not a genius or a favorite but I am learning a lot and one broken code at a time and one rewritten paragraph at a time I will make it. I really don’t have any other choice because as wild as my day to day life is/seems, I have been through much, much worse.

Okay off to finish this powerpoint and figure out how to become a better writer 🙂

Shalom

Namaste