Today I finally finished my last final of my counseling program. It isn’t due until Friday but I wanted to turn it in last week(and some things had gotten in the way). As I was about to congratulate myself, I looked to my email and found out that SP had deleted me from skype.
So he gave me his answer, not in flowery prose, or amazing platitudes, just delete. It was so ironic because yesterday when studying with friends, a friend asked me if I could accept that his answer was silence. At first I teared up, but I had to say yes.
I can accept that he would not give me what I wanted which was an answer. I can accept that he did not want to push through my fear and doubts and prove my gut wrong(because people just don’t do that). I accepted it by not emailing him or skyping him. I accepted it by doing what I needed to do for myself. With this new revelation, I further accepted it by deleting all of his emails and email address from my life.
As I complete this transition in my life to embrace a whole new world of people, changes, responsibilities, I can see that this is all probably for the best. I do not have any hate in my heart for SP. But I can tell you that emotional pain and manipulation can hurt just the same as someone putting their hands on you. It sucks a part of you out of yourself. It attempts to shatter your whole heart, but for a strong person, it just shatters any illusions that you may have had of the person, the situation, and your future together.
So from here on out, I am looking out for my best interest. I will commit myself to building a deeper relationship with the Lord so that I can be more mindful of His best for me and His path for my life. I will continue to be honest with people. I will continue to honor my feelings and listen to my gut rather than try to silence it when it is speaking in my best interest.
To my beautiful best friend, I did what you told me and he didn’t do what you thought or hoped. Sometimes we have to forge our own paths in the world, with or without someone else by our side. Things will all work out as long as we do what we can in good faith.
Well, I am off to dive into some awesome books(let’s see how long it takes me to read Game of Thrones), have some tea, and do some yoga.
Well, my semester is wrapping up with a bang. I hope to finish my last final today. I’m still worried about where I will be moving. I’m going through a one sided argument with SP. I’m just in a weird space.
I thought I would be so happy about this chapter of my life closing and I’m a little sad. Like I can’t believe I got this far. My professor told me its just the beginning.
I’m still attempting to look for places but I know it won’t be real until I have money. Moving and money have always been a source of anxiety for me. I’m still working on it.
I got mad at SP because he never listens to me or shares real feelings with me. So, I basically told him we should just be friends. He hasn’t responded to me for days so I know he’s giving me the silent treatment because he has done it before. So I’m over it. A friend said that maybe its just me, which I can take some blame for. I have no problem admitting that I’m an asshole. So I let SP know that maybe it was my anxiety and I was sorry for taking it out on him. But with not even a peep, I’m not apologizing anymore.
Then yesterday I got an update on my ex and I freaked out a smidge inside. He will probably always be in a corner of my brain as a reminder.
So I think I’m better off with me, myself, and I along with my anxiety because I’m too messed up to ever be in a healthy relationship and I was stupid for thinking that I ever could be.
So I’m shutting myself off for awhile.
Sorry I haven’t written in awhile. Every day something wild has happened and I have intended to write but I was too tired. This semester wraps up this week. I cannot wait. I am just finishing up some assignments.
Last week I went to the ER because I was having chest pain and it was determined to be costochondritis. I wasn’t going to go to the doctor but every site I googled told me that I had to get it checked out. Because apparently no one takes chest pain lightly. I was really happy to know that my heart was fine. Which is a fancy word for rib inflammation. I think it is due to gluten but it won’t be until I have grocery money to actually see if that is true. When I am low on funds and or food, I find that I eat what is available to me. So I have been eating a lot of bread and junk.
The only good thing is, is that I have not stopped running. Running is such a life saver. I may enter the Runner’s World cover contest just to write about how awesome I think running is(not that I have a cover body yet).
I have to find a new place to live by September first. Which would be super cool if I had money but at the moment,I have to wait. I am so nervous,scared,fearful and insert any other word that means freaked out. A friend said to give myself ten minutes a day to freak out and then move on. But I am finding that I have these moments where I find time to just freak out.
SP is still SP. He called me last week which was nice. It was so great to hear his voice. I still waffle in if we will actually go the distance but today I decided to stop complaining about him and just email him. Its funny how that works. He is so calm that he never tells me how much I get on his nerves or even what it is that I do that gets on his nerves.
The other day I read this report that mentioned how OkCupid just kind of skewed people’s match numbers and it so made me think of SP because our numbers were at 89 and then after time apart it was 94. But in all reality we really don’t have much in common. The only thing we have is common is that we are human and we both like chocolate. Yes, I know not his problem only mine. But here’s my question. Would you really want to be in a relationship with someone knowing that you were both only together because you were settling for each other. Is that what happily ever after is like?
So basically my days are filled with real and imagined dramas created by yours truly and then when I have these moments where I can stop, I think everything is blissful. Wait for it, and then it happens again. So here’s to moments of bliss. I hope to have a time when I can flesh out these blog posts, so that they do make a tad more sense.
So yesterday I went to the grocery store without my phone and thoughts flooded my head. I found some paper and started to write. I forgot how important it is to write through it all.
I thought about my growing up experiences and my broke experiences. They kind of go together. I was reflecting on a conversation that I had with some classmates. I realized that I was trying so hard to focus on our similarities and I realized they didn’t care how we had shared experiences because we didn’t.
When I was growing up, I had to hustle girl scout cookies in front of every grocery store in town to earn badges. One of our trips was going downtown to the Girl Scout headquarters to get our badges. I really loved being in the Girl Scouts. Sadly, we only had a troop leader for two years but I made it to junior status.
I also had to hustle to pay my way to band camp by playing my flute in front of every grocery store in town. The only time I fit in in band was when I played. I was an awkward, lonely, angry mess and that all went away when I played. I wanted to be friends with everyone but it wasn’t meant to be.
When I was at the grocery store, I swiped my card and forgot to ask for cash back. When I told the cashier that I needed to get cash back, he offered me a gas card. I told him that I didn’t have a car. I forget that people can’t read on my face that I don’t have a car. I asked him if I could have my cash back in quarters because us broke people have to go do our laundry. He smiled and said that he usually goes to car washes to get change. I smiled back and said that I hadn’t thought about that.
Sometimes you just have to let things out because they are too painful or hurtful to keep inside. A few people were talking about abuse and I mentioned that I was abused my whole life but I still have to keep going. We all go through stuff in life. We just have to work through it and have hope that things will get better.
So today I’m going to focus on the things that I am grateful for. The things that make me happy. The things I can laugh about. When the other memories come that want to tear me up, I can laugh through the tears and know that I’m still standing and I’m still strong(one of my favorite lines from the Antoine Fisher story). Because I can bet your bottom dollar, if my Mom saw me crying, she wouldn’t let me. She was always a lot stronger than I was. But since she isn’t here, I can cry when I want and need too 🙂
My family instilled strong values and manners in me(the others I read in books). The idea was always that you have to know how to behave incase you are invited to dinner at the White House. All of the other stuff that makes up my personality, I think I got it from my ancestors.
So one reason why I want to do well financially, is so that I can give back to others so they don’t have to know how that feels. Don’t get me wrong, people may make you think that poor people are happy but it feels terrible. It brings shame, guilt, and low self esteem.
So many thoughts and emotions are running through me. I only have a few weeks left of internship and class. I got a letter from SP. I started a new job.
I just have to finish a few assignments. I’m excited and nervous at the same time. Everything seems to be happening at once.
SP’s letter was short and sweet. Not sure what I was expecting. I wrote him back. It came at the right time.
My new job, as much as I need it is truly soul sucking. It’s like I have entered the twilight zone. I just kept raising my eyebrows I thought they were going to get stuck. Let’s just say, what we were taught in training is not what is happening on the job. So now I’m just sad. Hopefully God answers my prayer and I get a better job soon.
There’s too much that went on for me to list it all. I know people say, oh just report xyz, its anonymous but I promise you it never is. I think I will journal my experiences and report them when I get away.
Say a prayer for all neglected and abused children
Yesterday I got some news that I wasn’t expecting. Who expects bad news? It is a lesson that I have to learn. I only have a few weeks left of the semester. So at first I was bummed out. I didn’t make good food choices. I now see that I am much more of an emotional eater than I thought, just on a smaller scale.
I went for a run to clear my head and it seemed to do the trick. I got in touch with a classmate who talked me through it and we laughed together. So we helped each other.
I managed to get some sleep. So I woke up not feeling so bad. That’s one thing about feeling bad, life doesn’t stop just because you feel bad.
So I’m doing my best to keep my head up today no matter what comes my way. I just have to look at things from a different perspective.
I literally slept all day. I did not feel good. I did not want to do anything. I managed to wake up and make some yummy pancakes. Then I got myself together to go to the library. One of my classmates decided she wasn’t going to class(and I realized that sounded great). I told her I would let her know what she missed.
Things are going okay with SP. I have been taking pictures of different activities to help him feel like he is there. He thinks I take nice pictures. That’s a first. I hope to take a photography class one day. I told him that I would do my best not to get mad at him while he is gone. I am also trying to stop complaining so much. He mentioned that he feels insecure about us(like he doesn’t understand what I would be doing with someone like him). So I told him that insecurity won’t help us grow together so he needs to decide if he wants to keep things the way they are or if he just wants to be friends. No pressure. I didn’t say it in a mean way.
I’m so ready for the summer to be over. I’m just ready for the next phase of what my life is going to look like. Right now it looks pretty humdrum. I’m just finishing up assignment and starting a new job. I’m sure this time of my life is meant to teach me some lessons, I just wish I knew what they were. Yesterday I went to a fun pool party. Then we hit the town and caught a pretty awesome drag show. The ladies were amazing!
I’m trying to wean myself off of sugar and right now, sugar is definitely winning. It really is a struggle but I am determined to do it. I guess I will call it a work in progress. Not all sugar, just the processed junk that my body always seems to have time for.