Today is my Mom’s birthday. She would be 63 this year but she passed ten years ago. It doesn’t feel like ten years. It still feels like it just happened.
I still blame myself for my Mom’s passing. She had COPD. She hadn’t been doing well. So that morning I tried to help her. She called me by my sister’s name. In my family no one calls anyone by their actual name it’s always whoever is on the brain. I got her some juice. She spilled it. I fixed her a nebulizer treatment. I asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital and she said no. I should have called the ambulance but I didn’t. I went to work.
When I came home she was on the couch. I was confused because that morning she was in bed. I called to her but she didn’t answer. I called 911 and they told me to check her pulse but I couldn’t. I just kept calling for her. I got scared. It felt like forever for the ambulance to come. I called my family and they told me not to call my sister.
The first responders just seemed to wait. I went outside. They came outside and told me she was gone. I primal screamed. Even though my Mom and I had a tumultuous relationship, I couldn’t imagine life without her. I still can’t.
So I felt like it was all my fault and even though people tell me otherwise, I will probably always believe it. I miss my Mom so much. So I get mad when people don’t treat their parents right because you can’t take any of it back when they are gone.
So for a long time I think I always held suicide as my go to card because I was a horrible daughter and I deserved everything bad that happened to me. I thought every problem would be solved and everyone would be happier if I wasn’t around. My family on the other hand doesn’t quite see it that way. They don’t believe that people have a valid reason to take their own life. Me on the other hand, I’m way more sympathetic. I try not to judge people’s motivations.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not having suicidal thoughts. I just miss my Mom. And yes even the strongest people get lonely at times. But at the end of the day, even though we may not be able to see it, we all have purpose in the Earth. Sometimes I wish I were able to be as strong as my Mom and sister emotionally but I’m not.
If you are missing someone today, talk to them. Tell them that you love them and miss them. It matters because you matter.