What My Anxiety Looks Like

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    Hey blog readers,
                                   I looked at my stats and I think people were wondering if when I posted The End, that I was talking about suicide. Well, to reassure you, no I wasn’t talking or thinking about it. I actually haven’t wanted to commit suicide for years. I share a lot of suicide prevention info on my social media as a resource.
     One thing that you may not know about me is the fact that I am a very anxious person. I think I was born anxious. When I was a kid my Mom called me a worry wart. Most of the time I worried about everything around me. Even today, I have moments where anxiety gets the best of me.
     Sometimes I try to ignore it but it just courses through me like a river. Other times it is faint like a whisper. I worry about things that matter, things that don’t. Things in the past,present, and future. Sometimes I worry about one thing at a time and other times I worry about a million things.
    I think running,exercise, and a schedule really helps. I also spend a lot of time to myself. My brain never stops running. I told my therapist that my feet move forward but my brain cycles past,present, and future all at the same time. My body will get exhausted but my brain won’t.
I also have insomnia. So I have perfected the art of sleeping on four hours.
     I emailed my ex friend but no word. I called and left a voicemail. I’m a selfish needy person and that doesn’t make for a good friend. I’m sarcastic, bitter, and mean and now I understand why people don’t want me in their lives.
     My whole life I only wanted to fit in and I never could. I have gone through some horrific events and while I know that I need people in my life, I’m not the best at boundaries. That’s one reason why I’m single. I’m a nightmare.
    So the only thing I’m really good at is school except when I don’t do well at something. I’m also a perfectionist so not only do I have to figure out all of my mistakes right now, I have to get them right. So I’m sitting in this fear bubble about stats because I have to do all of this right now.
      Most days I take it one day at a time and others, it just spills over.
So there, be thankful that you are doing way better than me.
Shalom
Namaste

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