When You Don’t Have All The Answers


     So, an interesting thing happened when I told my friends in recovery that I was tired of meetings. No one shunned me. A lot of people were in a similar spot. And a lot of truth was dropped on me.
     No sooner that I posted my announcement,  I found out that one of my dear friends was killed. Well, that shook me up. I still can’t believe it. Then another friend mentioned that she had just come from a funeral of a young woman who was new in recovery. So, I was blown away.
     In that moment,  I got really clear and I called my sponsor. We texted and I told her what was going on. I went to a meeting. I heard what I needed to hear. I got some hugs and made some new friends.
     And, I’m working step one on some stuff. Because even though I may not feel like going to a meeting or working the steps, feelings change. Also, I want to live, even though I get stupendously lonely and down on myself and think that no one will ever love me, I have to do everything I can to live and let God do the rest.
     My thinking can be so big and grand at times that I forget simple things like what am I doing to be a good friend? Am I even girlfriend material? What does my self-esteem consist of? Well, on most days my self-esteem consists of the opinions of others. I’ve never really had a lot of self-esteem because of what I’ve been through in life.
    For a fleeting moment today I wondered what I would do if I saw my ex today. My mind immediately went back to those fleeting good moments and they were just that, fleeting thoughts.
I always wonder would we have some sort of showdown or would there be forgiveness. I have to forgive myself.
     Other moments that make me feel bad are when I meet new people or friends are going to hang out and I can’t go because I don’t have a car or money to blow. I spent money on some food and ice cream. Then my friends are starting a food challenge on Monday so I have to eat all of the ice cream this weekend.
     In other news, I’m looking at areas that I am powerless over and man its a lot. It’s hard to look at because I have to admit that I’m still not where I need to be. But sometimes you just have to do something in order to get through it.
     I don’t feel good so I’m probably just going to walk this weekend. I’m very hard on myself so I’m supposed to work on taking it easy. Today was better than yesterday so that’s good. I’m going to church on Sunday even though I hate Fathers day. But I will choose to focus on good Fathers in the world and in my life.
     Well, I guess I better get some sleep. I’m drained. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.


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