Dear God, Forgive Me, Oh Wait You Already Know

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So earlier this morning, while reading and working on my paper, I also managed to have time to blog a mopey blog post and mope about on Facebook as a result of a really mopey conversation. As I got ready for work(because my body said no, I was not working out or even getting out of bed for that matter), I took a breathe and realized, I have a lot to be grateful for and thankful for.

So, why do I still have segments of my life that are filled with gaping pain, regret, guilt, and just not pretty stuff? I think my friends were trying to say that everyone has stuff that we don’t like about our lives. I get that. But I am also the type of person who can easily show you why everyone doesn’t quite have it as bad as I do. Now mind you, that is all relative because there are millions of people in the world who have it much worse and don’t even take time to focus on how bad they have it. So in that vein, I have to suck it up.

In other news, I found so much research related to assimilation that my paper should actually be done today(not including the tidying up). Tonight I have to start my code, no ifs, ands, or friends who are also wide awake on facebook. One of my friends said that they envied me and I told them not to. I am not a person to envy. I have went through more fire in one lifetime than I could ever wish on a score of enemies.

Like, I still have time in my day to think about all of the ways that I don’t fit in and then my friends will tell me that fitting in is not important(but it is to me). So I spend a lot of time battling myself because I am yet again not getting it right. I know I am not supposed to get it right all of the time but I would like to try some of the time.

Some people would say that as Christians we aren’t supposed to complain, and there are so many things that I actually don’t complain about but I digress. It is so hard to try and be a good Christian or a better Christian because I am so much of a human. So I struggle and struggle and just can’t seem to get it right.

So I am here again, humbling searching for your truth about me and trying to get a glimpse of where you see my future. I am sure it will be bright because you are light. I continue to pray and seek your face over my desires. Thank you for keeping me from what just isn’t quite right for me and thank you for leading me on.

Shalom

Namaste

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