Wide Awake


     So today was really stressful for me. I found out that I did my methods section wrong so I had to try and do that and also finish my homework.  I got the rough draft turned in and my homework turned in. I went to class and then right before class was over I realized my results were off because I forgot to delete a line of code and in essence had no men in my tables. Also, I didn’t add any tables to my homework.
     This all came to me at 0130. So I’m wide awake. I prayed. I said some affirmations but no luck, still up.
     So then my brain extended the anxiety to every other part of my life. I realized that I had a conversation with a friend who wasn’t listening to me because I think I was talking out of delusion. I just realized that no matter how many dates I go on, things will never work out because I will always be me. I have made so many mistakes in my life that my chance for happiness left a long time ago. It is only when I am honest with myself that I remember. That’s also a testament to how I try to not remember.
     When I’m honest with myself,  that’s why I’m always trying to reinvent myself because I live with this false idea that if I’m a better version of me everything else will magically be erased and I will finally be where I think that I should be.
     I know what it means to fail and that’s why I hate failure so much. But what do you do when it seems like all you do is fail? I know people say sleep on it but that’s hard when you can’t sleep.
     I know that God knows what I am going through but it feels so painful sometimes. I hate feeling my feelings. Sometimes it just feels like the pain magnifies. It just leaves me feeling like is this all that I amount to.
     I’m going to email my professor tomorrow at a decent time. He’s a genius so he already knows but I’m hoping for a smidgen of compassion. Literally the only thing we have left is our paper.
     I’m deleting my online dating profiles because they are pointless for me. I’m just one of those unlucky at love people and that’s okay.  It’s better that I come to grips with that reality now instead of dragging others on my awkward train.
       To my friends,  you know who you are, you deserve all of the good that is coming your way. Stay open and enjoy the journey.


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