Free To Be Me

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Today’s prompt is the one character trait that you admire about yourself. Well, I don’t really like to talk about myself in that manner. But for the sake of the argument, I will try. One trait that I admire about myself is my resilience. I have gone through quite a few things in my life and I have always managed to bounce back even stronger(even when I didn’t think that I would).

This resilience helps me to continue to push forward and strive for my goals(because my underlying goals haven’t really changed too much). It pushes me to get out of bed each day. It helps me to keep my head held high through the storms of life. It has given me the courage to train and complete marathons.

Resilience gives me the courage to stand when others can’t see my vision or try to discourage me from achieving my goals. It provides inner joy that enables me to smile through it all. I think I have probably always had it but only recently recognized it. it also serves as a fuel to my creativity.

The other character trait that I like about myself is my honesty and my bs detector aka my intuition. When I was a kid, I would make up elaborate stories(aka ginormous lies), until one day I got them beat out of me(I got beat and I had to write 500 lines). So ever since that day, I have never found a reason to lie about anything. The downside to being super honest all of the time is that I can tell when people are lying and they attempt to get me to go along with their lies. I hate it. Every fiber of my being hates lying and hates liars. So, I live this super awkward existence because there is so much truth inside of me that I don’t have people to share it with because no one quite seems to get it. That could also be one reason why I am such a black and white thinker. To me, right is right and wrong is wrong. I don’t like shades of grey(even though I enjoyed the book haha).

That’s probably also one reason why I am still single. One, I don’t really have people approach me, and two, I just don’t do fake very well. Well, and also it probably has to do with where my head it at. If we can’t have a conversation about a current world issue or what your passion is, then things won’t go very far. I know dear reader(or someone close to me) is wondering, “So, how do you explain ex abc?” Well, the moments in life when I was in half of a relationship or a figment of one that I considered to be all that I could get, I was pretty much traveling rudderless in the world. I also couldn’t see the forest from the trees so my vision and growth were quite stunted. Do I blame all of my exes for what transpired? No, because I had no business being with them(that was all on me, I made the choice to go back and keep subjecting myself to nonsense). I really didn’t know better because I had never had a relationship before. I mean I had a strong foundation of crushes and unrequited love interests(because all of the guys I really adored never noticed me, they wanted beautiful, no goals, and no standards). So after so many years of having none of my dreams come true, I did what I could to become what they wanted. I made myself up(to be as beautiful as an awkward nerd could be), I forgot about my goals, and I burned all of my standards.

Let’s have a quick discussion about standards. In the church I grew up in, we created our relationship standards at age twelve-thirteen. So I had this awesome list of what I wanted in the perfect Christian guy and he had his list of the perfect Christian girl and it wasn’t me. It wasn’t me by a long shot. I could never be that perfect Christian girl because I was raped and molested for most of my childhood. So even though I called myself being pure, I wasn’t. That was all stripped from me.

So along with my other flaws, once I turned twenty-six and I realized prince charming was never showing up, I followed non-Christians advice and went for it. So then I was in this war with myself between my desires and what I had been taught in church. That’s one of the reasons why I had actually stopped going to church(and all of my family and friends starting drawing closer to God and lighting candles for me). I was like a kid obsessed with fire and touching a hot stove. I got burned so many times that I just had to stop.

So, now I embrace all of my flaws and mistakes. I don’t want to repeat them, so I just took a step back and said ok, I’m not getting what I want(or what I think I want), so that means I need to let it go and I did. I let those desires go. I have new goals and desires and since I can’t determine when or where a relationship would fall into to all of that, I respect myself and others by building friendships and just living my life a new way.

Don’t get me wrong, people don’t bang my door down and say “Wow, how have you managed to be celibate?”. I just think back to my life before and remember that I was celibate for most of my life, so how can I complain about these two years? I mean don’t get me wrong, sometimes I do feel sorry for myself but I focus on the bigger picture and the fact that I am not causing drama or pain for another person.

So here’s to being mindful and looking inward at the real me.

Shalom

Namaste

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