When You Don’t Know What To Do

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     Today I waited for five hours to get the word that due to my broken lease(three years ago), I was unable to rent an apartment. This is after calling forty places, going to twenty, and putting down deposits for one. The people in my life calmly tell me that I will find something but how do you know? I certainly don’t know. I’m so sad, hurt, disappointed, and confused. I’m a tad angry too. I’m angry at myself for always putting myself in situations where things don’t get better, they just get worse.

     In the meantime I am expected to stay positive, keep a smile on my face, and go through the motions of just an ordinary day. I have my department orientation in a few and then class. But all I can think of is oh great another night of not sleeping well because I’m not secure and I don’t have good credit. It is so amazing to me how bad credit is considered just as bad as a criminal record. I don’t have a criminal record but that means nothing to people who just run some numbers on me and see a red flag that says I didn’t pay a bill.

     Three years ago, I worked two jobs and thought that I was bettering myself by taking a different job. Well, the supposed better job did not equate to better pay and as a result, I could not pay all of my rent so I had to move out of my apartment. If I could pay off that bill, I would be happy to do so but I am not able to at this time.

     Last night a classmate told me how he owns ten rental properties, so when I mentioned that I needed a floor or a garage to sleep in/on, his mind was blown and he had no words. How nice it must be to not be able to comprehend someone else’s struggle. My roommate said that I can stay one more week which is better than nothing. She gave the bed I was sleeping on to another friend. I can’t be upset about the situation, she’s got to do what she’s got to do.

     I just feel like I don’t have the answers and I don’t have a solution. A lot of guys have offered their couches but I wouldn’t feel comfortable staying with a single guy. It is amazing what fear will do to a person. It will make you create wild scenarios and put you in situations that only make things worse.

     I keep praying but the doubt and fear don’t disappear, they just seem to be swirling around and just lead to more fear and doubt. I’m starting to think that housing insecurity is worse than food insecurity. It is such a struggle. Then people who are not believers say, where is your faith, why are you not acting any different from me? I don’t really have a good answer for that. All I can say is walk a mile in my shoes, then you can decide how big or how small faith is in my life. I don’t ever stop trusting God but the insecurity stifles me.

     Well, I better go paint my nails so I can look a smidge presentable for this orientation. I just thought things were going to work out and that everything was going to be fine, but the universe says otherwise. Just keep me in your prayers as you are in mine.

Shalom

Namaste

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7 responses »

  1. It’s always a struggle. Been there. Thankfully tho I had a few friends I could fall back on. How about dude with all the properties offers you one?! 😉
    Jold your head and heels high and it will look up again one day!!!

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  2. Thanks for the encouragement. I did talk to the property dude but I’m not sure. I may be too much of a risk for him to take on. I’m not going to quit though 🙂

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  3. Sometimes ppl need to have a but if faith in other ppl. But I wish you lots of luck with your search and everything !!

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  4. Wow. Your siuation mirrors mine though I don’t have to move but will be paying late fess. I was just talking to God apologising for not being a better steward. God hears you and yes oyr flesh will take over. It does not mean we will not experience things in the flesh. Thank you for sharing your story. Not sure why I was imclined to read your post but I know that God is doing bigger and better things in mine and your lives. He is causing us to see, to feel, and to know, He is God.

    Stay encouraged Sis. If I were you in your situation, I would take a look at the offer you were given, sit and talk with that person and get a firm clarity of what is expected while you stay there. I think God is using people to help. Check it out and don’t let fear (unless there is a solid reason) and pride or what others will say stop. Look at the picture.

    I am surely going to pray for this to pass.
    Lyn from Twitter @trusthim4_ls

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