Today I waited for five hours to get the word that due to my broken lease(three years ago), I was unable to rent an apartment. This is after calling forty places, going to twenty, and putting down deposits for one. The people in my life calmly tell me that I will find something but how do you know? I certainly don’t know. I’m so sad, hurt, disappointed, and confused. I’m a tad angry too. I’m angry at myself for always putting myself in situations where things don’t get better, they just get worse.
In the meantime I am expected to stay positive, keep a smile on my face, and go through the motions of just an ordinary day. I have my department orientation in a few and then class. But all I can think of is oh great another night of not sleeping well because I’m not secure and I don’t have good credit. It is so amazing to me how bad credit is considered just as bad as a criminal record. I don’t have a criminal record but that means nothing to people who just run some numbers on me and see a red flag that says I didn’t pay a bill.
Three years ago, I worked two jobs and thought that I was bettering myself by taking a different job. Well, the supposed better job did not equate to better pay and as a result, I could not pay all of my rent so I had to move out of my apartment. If I could pay off that bill, I would be happy to do so but I am not able to at this time.
Last night a classmate told me how he owns ten rental properties, so when I mentioned that I needed a floor or a garage to sleep in/on, his mind was blown and he had no words. How nice it must be to not be able to comprehend someone else’s struggle. My roommate said that I can stay one more week which is better than nothing. She gave the bed I was sleeping on to another friend. I can’t be upset about the situation, she’s got to do what she’s got to do.
I just feel like I don’t have the answers and I don’t have a solution. A lot of guys have offered their couches but I wouldn’t feel comfortable staying with a single guy. It is amazing what fear will do to a person. It will make you create wild scenarios and put you in situations that only make things worse.
I keep praying but the doubt and fear don’t disappear, they just seem to be swirling around and just lead to more fear and doubt. I’m starting to think that housing insecurity is worse than food insecurity. It is such a struggle. Then people who are not believers say, where is your faith, why are you not acting any different from me? I don’t really have a good answer for that. All I can say is walk a mile in my shoes, then you can decide how big or how small faith is in my life. I don’t ever stop trusting God but the insecurity stifles me.
Well, I better go paint my nails so I can look a smidge presentable for this orientation. I just thought things were going to work out and that everything was going to be fine, but the universe says otherwise. Just keep me in your prayers as you are in mine.