A Look Back On My Life


     So yesterday I went to the grocery store without my phone and thoughts flooded my head. I found some paper and started to write. I forgot how important it is to write through it all.
     I thought about my growing up experiences and my broke experiences. They kind of go together. I was reflecting on a conversation that I had with some classmates. I realized that I was trying so hard to focus on our similarities and I realized they didn’t care how we had shared experiences because we didn’t.
     When I was growing up, I had to hustle girl scout cookies in front of every grocery store in town to earn badges. One of our trips was going downtown to the Girl Scout headquarters to get our badges. I really loved being in the Girl Scouts. Sadly, we only had a troop leader for two years but I made it to junior status.
     I also had to hustle to pay my way to band camp by playing my flute in front of every grocery store in town. The only time I fit in in band was when I played. I was an awkward, lonely, angry mess and that all went away when I played. I wanted to be friends with everyone but it wasn’t meant to be.
     When I was at the grocery store,  I swiped my card and forgot to ask for cash back. When I told the cashier that I needed to get cash back, he offered me a gas card. I told him that I didn’t have a car. I forget that people can’t read on my face that I don’t have a car. I asked him if I could have my cash back in quarters because us broke people have to go do our laundry. He smiled and said that he usually goes to car washes to get change.  I smiled back and said that I hadn’t thought about that.
     Sometimes you just have to let things out because they are too painful or hurtful to keep inside. A few people were talking about abuse and I mentioned that I was abused my whole life but I still have to keep going. We all go through stuff in life. We just have to work through it and have hope that things will get better.
      So today I’m going to focus on the things that I am grateful for. The things that make me happy. The things I can laugh about. When the other memories come that want to tear me up,  I can laugh through the tears and know that I’m still standing and I’m still strong(one of my favorite lines from the Antoine Fisher story). Because I can bet your bottom  dollar, if my Mom saw me crying, she wouldn’t let me. She was always a lot stronger than I was. But since she isn’t here, I can cry when I want and need too 🙂
     My family instilled strong values and manners in me(the others I read in books). The idea was always that you have to know how to behave incase you are invited to dinner at the White House. All of the other stuff that makes up my personality,  I think I got it from my ancestors.
     So one reason why I want to do well financially,  is so that I can give back to others so they don’t have to know how that feels. Don’t get me wrong, people may make you think that poor people are happy but it feels terrible. It brings shame, guilt, and low self esteem.


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