It Takes What It Takes-Reflection

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     The Women’s Conference at church was awesome. The speakers were great and I really learned a lot. There was a lot to take in. I was so inspired and ready to take on the world. I was able to finish up my last assignments for the semester. I started to get a little excited about graduation. 

     I know I have wobbled in my thoughts on online dating. I have asked tons of friends. I have read tons of articles. I have had a lot of feedback. Then I decided to see what God had to say about it. I started to draw back a bit when I had the idea of reconnecting with my ex. Then I realized I was excited about the idea of him. I wasn’t excited about the reality of him.

     Even though he apologized, there really wasn’t anything else there. I mean I discussed with him how much I continued to hate online dating and he seemed to have no problem with it. Then I just started to feel those same old feelings that I used to have come back. There is something about him that I don’t trust and he didn’t do anything to even acknowledge it or attempt to change it.

     When you tell someone in recovery that you would take care of them if they chose to drink, that is not a term of endearment, it is a sign that you don’t understand the person’s journey. Of course I mentioned it. You know the feeling you get when someone is lying to you and you just aren’t in their face to give them a huge side eye. Yeah, that is what my gut is telling me. 

     What some people don’t seem to realize is I have probably been through an encyclopedia of bad dates/relates/crap so I know all of the elements that made a not gonna happen tornado. So yes, if a miracle happens and he does take me out this weekend, I will have an open mind and open eyes. If it doesn’t happen, I will not be surprised. My thought today was why would someone take an ex back. I mean I practically did an empty chair on myself. I drank three cups of tea today(I am finding that tea brings much clarity). All I could think was why would he want to be in my face(since he had me but didn’t do anything with me) and then why would I really want to be in his. 

     So the ex is in the same boat as all of the other guys who I interacted with, who just aren’t quite stepping up to the plate. I like to think that I am not asking for too much in a relationship but I am. I am asking for a lot because I have a lot to add to the equation. So today, after letting him know how he could contact me(which he already knew), I deleted my accounts. I feel like a weight has been lifted. 

     So now I am going to focus on what is ahead of me and do my best to leave everything in God’s hands. He knows exactly what my journey looks like. Nothing that I do surprises Him. I also know that God would not want me to just put myself around people who can’t see my good qualities and can only think about what I am no longer giving. 

     I have a big appointment tomorrow. I’m not nervous, just wouldn’t mind doing anything else. So if you pray for me, please add extra prayers tomorrow. Yesterday I had some awesome avocado tacos and today I made some that were even better. So tomorrow I have more avocado tacos to look forward too. 

     I took a dating readiness quiz and I got a yellow light(proceed with caution). I like to think that I am ready to date and build a relationship but maybe I’m not. I have to be open to that idea. I know that I can be weird. I won’t stop praying about it though. I like to think I have come a long way, but maybe relationship wise I haven’t. So I have to pray that I get healthier and wiser in order to be a good partner for someone instead of an afterthought. Yes, I have no problem taking the blame for my mistakes. At the same time, if you were in my shoes, I am sure you would have ended things even sooner. Yes, I do realize that I am terribly impatient. But its like the saying goes, don’t pee on my leg and tell me its raining.

     In other news, I went to a Christian fashion show and it was a blast. The only bad part was my knees weren’t covered, so every time someone walked past me or was introduced to me, the first thing they looked at were my knees. Yes, the holy side eye is a harsh experience. In fact I mentioned it because some ladies were talking about the dress standards. I made the point that yes people do need to have conversations about it instead of just the usual side eye and gossip behind their backs. The fashions were fantastic though. It definitely made me think about my old wardrobe and some of the really cute skirts that I miss. 

Shalom

Namaste

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