Recovery Day 16/Reflection Of Drama

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Nov 30, 2010

So, today all of the arguing came to a head. I believe things are over between the two but I don’t know. It’s sad but I would say its for the best. It made me think about the drama I had this summer with my ex. This is another reason why it is so important to get to know a person before you move in together. There were a lot of verbal low blows struck today and my friend felt them all. Sometimes people say hurtful things because they want you to hurt like they hurt but what happens after? 
I still(I wish I could underscore that) think about my ex. My go to moments are the fleeting good moments. It is only after I start reminising, that all the bad comes up. Now when I met him, there was no sign on his forehead that said “immature ahole”. 
When we were together, I felt like it was total bliss. Until the day he told me that he felt like slapping the poo out of me. That was the day that all of my feelings for him drained out of my system. He knew that I had experienced abuse before, but in that moment, he was upset and frustrated. Everytime I would bring something to his attention, he would say sorry, and then do it again. And everytime he would tell me I love you, I couldn’t believe it because I felt like if you loved someone you would not say or doing things over and over to hurt them. But the question is why would those feelings pop back up? Is that the brain playing a trick? 
The big lesson that I learned is that users will only suck you dry and no matter how much you may care for them, it never truly matters unless you are doing what they want. 
No one should have to live like that. My ex never put his hands on me in anger but the words were enough. So, when I would have a weak moment, he would listen and then come back with reality like “Oh, I am tired of the emotional roller coaster with you” and my favorite which I can’t even say is the truth because I feel like he said it to hurt me “I slept with someone else”. 
How long has it been you ask? Oh four months if you don’t count the moment we were going to get back together which was ruined because I could not afford to give him gas money. So what does that tell you, oh yeah he never really cared about me, it was just about what he could get. 
Just in case you wondered, yes I go to therapy 🙂 I just feel like some happy pills would do me wonders but the fact that I have no medical insurance hinders that idea. 
I know you are thinking, Hey you seem like a smart person, why don’t you just get over it? Well, I am trying 🙂 I just take things moment by moment. Some moments are better than others 🙂 
So lets all breathe deeply woo-sah 🙂 
Here’s to life and making good choices along the way 🙂 
As for the rest of my day, I have to tutor and go to work. I will be going to yet another job fair tomorrow(fingers and toes crossed). 

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