More Grace Lent Day 21

Standard

Come Thou Fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;?
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,?
Call for songs of loudest praise?
Teach me some melodious sonnet,?
Sung by flaming tongues above.?
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,?
Mount of God’s unchanging love.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!?
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,?
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.?
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,?
Prone to leave the God I love;?
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,?
Seal it for Thy courts above. Amen.

     Today was a day where I needed more of God’s grace. Actually I needed all of it. Today I wanted to speak all of my mind on a subject and I realized I couldn’t. I spoke but my words soared out of my mouth and fell to the floor with a thud. I raced home as a fast as a person on public transportation could. Then I realized I was starving and I ate an Amy’s pizza and some pie. I started to feel better and I went for a run. 

     I still haven’t figured out why it was so easy for me to stick to my eating plan in 2011 and today my brain just says cake,cookies, pie. I am trying to work on it. I’m doing my best not to be hard on myself. It’s a journey. I figure if I could do it before, I can totally do it again. But when and why not now. 

     I feel like no one wants to hear me. No one is listening to what I have to say. I mean I totally get it but for it to be glaring in my face is kind of new. I wonder if it will end. A lot of good things are on the horizon in my life. I just have to get through. I think I have been telling myself this for awhile now. 

     An old childhood buddy asked me about my marriage. It took me all the way back to that faithful day one year and four months ago. I calmly gave the dates of the beginning, middle, and end. Then it dawned on me, in some peoples’ minds I will only be known and remembered for that. What does that mean? It means that I thought I cared for and loved someone who I thought cared for and loved me and we walked down an aisle together and made promises before God, our friends and families and all of those promises vanished before the ink was dry on the marriage certificate when I found out that a weeks wages were blown. No judgement, just realization that my happy ever after was not to be. 

     This also means that no matter how smart I am, how beautiful I present myself, how much of a friend I attempt to be, I will always be put into some sort of box. I do my best not to put people that I have a good opinion of into a box.I lump all of my enemies(real and imagined) into a box and try to keep the lid on. 

     That’s probably why I like books so much because books don’t judge me. Books understand. Books always help. Books have been with me since the very beginning. So now I am off to bed to try and get a little sleep before I have to awaken and do it all again. Kindness always helps. Words do hurt. That’s why I do my best to keep all of my venom to myself. To my credit, there isn’t a person alive who knows the true hurt of my words. I do my best to not let the words of others affect me, but boy they sure do stick around for awhile. It is in those moments that seem to be never ending but truly only last for moments that I send silent prayers up to God. Because only God knows why and how things are said. I always do my best to put myself in another person’s shoes but people who are bitter and angry, I just keep praying for them. 

So here’s to more prayer and positive coping skills that do not involve eating tons of food(when I say tons I mean, eating things that don’t work for my body). 

Namaste

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