I know some of you may be saying to yourselves that you already know that. I think I am at this point where I have to learn a hard lesson and as much as I try to avoid it, it won’t let me go around it. When I talk to older people, they tell me how young I am and they cannot believe that I am single. When I talk to younger people, they cannot believe how old I am and they wonder why I am single. When I talk to people my own age, they just shake their heads at nod at the sad state of affairs.
I read an article today that said in dating its not about looking for another person, its about looking for yourself. It was a good article. But here is my issue, I know who I am. I just can’t seem to be completely content as a single person. Which is probably surprising since I have been single longer than I have ever been in a relationship. I just realized that I don’t date well. It makes no sense that I want a relationship more than air sometimes but I don’t even know how to have one.
In a lot of areas of my life I am deeply insecure and I think online dating/dating in general only magnifies that. So since I am such a “feeling” person, I think I need to listen. Why is it important for me to be in a relationship? Because I think being in a relationship will mean that I am loveable and that someone cares about me. I think that if I were married then I could have a family(of my own). But the longer I am single(soon it will be at the year and a half mark), the harder it gets.
So, I am telling myself to give the online dating thing some time(I don’t even know how long) but gosh it is painful. It is painful when you go on a date and think that you click with someone and they are not thinking about if they are clicking with you. It is painful trying to filter through hundreds and thousands of profiles at a time. It is painful when guy after guy tells you how sexy you are and asks you what you are wearing. It is painful when forty plus guys can message you and not know how to have a decent conversation.
I asked a friend if a person could give up expectations cold turkey. I figured since I am so good at giving up stuff, that I could also give up expectations but I don’t quite know how to do that. I also figured that maybe I am just friend material. I seem to be a good friend to others so maybe I just need to focus on being a good friend. Its so ironic to me because I thought for sure I had learned my lesson in how to treat someone and here I am repeating the same patterns.
So, I am pretty sure that the lesson I have to learn is embracing my singleness. I remember when I was a teen they taught us about the gift of singleness in church and none of us wanted to have it. I don’t want to have it now but it seems like this is my reality. How can I say that I want a relationship when my actions just drive people away?
Some of my friends mentioned that it is important to date more than one person at a time. But how can you do that if you are not being asked out? Yesterday my date mentioned the circle of influence vs. the circle of concern to me. I think it may be time to focus on just what is in front of me. Yes, I know that I went on a date yesterday. I should be happy about that. But I’m not.
I was talking to a few of my trusted guy friends and I asked them why guys would talk about personal or emotional stuff and then wonder why the girl is taking it all in as serious. The guys said that some guys like to do that just to get a reaction. I think this is horrible and I fall for it every time.
I also don’t want to be like the drowning man who is asking God for help and when he gets to heaven God tells him all of the things he sent to rescue the man. I feel like I am back in high school again when I had crushes on tons of guys who were so out of my league it was like they were on another planet.
I am not sure that I know what the answer is but I know that I can continue to pray about it. Maybe some people do just come into our lives for a season and we just have to express thanks for that season.