Last night I had talked to a few friends about a situation with my boyfriend(lets call him the less than hero). It was decided that I needed to talk to him. So I agreed. I called him(yeah broke a few rules). We had what I thought was a good conversation and had discussed seeing each other the next day.
I woke up today in a good mood, practiced for church(a song which we did not play), and went on my way. Got to church and each song featured someone playing dueling notes(if I were playing flats others were playing sharps and vice versa). When I hear what that sounds like, it always reminds me of chalk on a chalkboard. So, I was glad that church was finished for the day. I texted the less than hero(good afternoon because he had mentioned he would be sleeping in).
Two hours later the less than hero texts me back that it is cold(well, yeah and who cares). So as I am out to lunch with a friend, I just know what that means. So I text back that I know and I ask if he is going to stay at home. I also text and ask if he wants to reschedule. The less than hero says that maybe this would be a good idea. So I text back that I was looking forward to seeing him since I had not seen him for two weeks and that I am disappointed. Yeah, I guess it was silly to be disappointed because today would have been our two month anniversary(apparently that is a big deal to no one outside of my head). I was ticked off because I had not seen him and for the fact that I did more than a few things in the cold today. So I then accept that yes, this is the end.
I texted a couple of others. I decided that I would jump back into the saddle. I talked to a few people close to me who said that I was doing the right thing or not to throw the baby out with the bath water. I was also told that that is just how men think. All I could see in my head was six months or a year down the road and us being in the same position. Nobody has time for that. I also could see our seeing each other being once a month(not my idea of a good time).
So I am just going to do me. That’s pretty much all I can do. Then I heard of a few people who had died suddenly(one was a good friend). I cried. I read my devotional. I prayed. I have been thinking a lot. Now my thoughts are just basically that maybe I am not cut out for a relationship. There is no point in doing a ton of stuff for a person and investing in a relationship that isn’t there.
They say that when God shuts a door, another one opens. I think new doors are opening all of the time, they are just nothing that I would have expected. This is probably for the best. Because God’s ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts are higher than my thoughts.
I’m not completely giving up on relationships. I just know that I can’t rush after one. Also, actions do speak louder than words. I was just accepting the actions and trying to look on the bright side. But there is no point in being in a one sided relationship. So I figure if I pour my whole self into God, if He does have someone out there for me, He will work it out. No matter how impatient, mad, or sad I am. God knows what I need even before I ask.