A Dream aka The Why

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     Hi friends! Sorry I haven’t blogged in a minute. Classes just started back and even though I have stuff to write about, I just end up crashing in bed. Well, something huge happened this week. I had this bright idea that I was going to apply for a Ph.d program(told everyone about it, read books about it, talked to doc students and professors about it). Then I asked a friend for a recommendation and she suggested I ask a professor. That immediately freaked me out. I just knew it wasn’t happening. So I sucked it up, and emailed one of my toughest(but very admirable) professors. She said that she would love to meet to discuss things(aka no and she was going to tell me why). So I emailed another professor and she said that I needed to come see her. So I did. Three missed buses, two non existent cabs, and two made buses later, I made it to her office. 

     As soon as I explained to her what was going on, I started crying. Not loud but the tears kept flowing. Then she asked me why I wanted to get this degree. I gave her some very vague answers. To which she responded that I sounded ambivalent. Basically, my why isn’t big enough. She told me that I needed to think about what made me get up in the morning. What would I want to spend time doing. 

     Which is a super hard thing for a people pleaser to answer. Just when I thought my people pleasing days were over, they rear their ugly heads like its day one again. So I told her that I would hold off until I could find my reason. So I decided that it is on my bucket list. 

     A few friends mentioned that I probably just want to be a motivational speaker(but I figured I would be able to do that after the book was finished). I have been praying and praying. I guess it is hard to explain the simple fact that I have been through a lot of things in my life and I just don’t want it to be wasted. 

     I meet with my other professor tomorrow. I don’t plan on being late for that. I hope you are all doing well. Thanks for your encouragement and support. 

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